Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption
by Bald as Malak
Summary: A story of Revan, Malak, and the Exile Xi Lan: friends, betrayers, and lovers. UPDATED END CHAPTER see last section. Beta readers needed for next section!
1. Prologue

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

**Grudging admission:** a meatbag named Zealit asked me about Bastila and Revan. I had not thought about Bastila's mucous-covered lips on my master because it makes me want to beg for mercy like that Twilek official on Coruscant. Now it was buzzing around in my brain, causing my circuits to overheat. This is what came out. No doubt there will be more phermone-driven angst later on. **_Heavy sarcasm_**: I can't wait.

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor do I want to terminate those that do.

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

**

* * *

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**Prologue: Betrayal (Revan)**

**Jedi Temple, Corscant (Six months after the Star Forge was destroyed)**

"Betrayer."

"What…" I started up out of my deep sleep. I looked at Bastila, who slept beside me. Her face was peaceful and half-hidden by the fall of her hair. I pushed aside a few strands so that I could look at her more closely and my heart swelled. It was still a mystery to me how this wonderful thing had emerged from such horrible times.

"Betrayer."

I looked around, frantically, but no one else was in the room. It couldn't be, I thought, no wished fervently. "It can't be you. You are dead! I killed you!"

The voice laughed quietly, as dark and deep as the emptiness beyond the galaxy's edge. "Betrayer. Remember. Remember what you have done."

"I can't remember anything!"

"Then I will help you." I felt a light mist, cool and welcoming like a…pond by a…waterfall. I smiled then, although I didn't know why. And then I was swept into a torrent of memory, drowned in sorrow…grief…guilt…betrayal… until I could no longer bear it, and I clawed my way to the surface, screaming.

I found myself on the floor, sheets curled in clenched fists, my lungs heaving like bellows, my throat raw. Someone was holding me, calling desperately to me.

"Revan, what is wrong! Speak to me!" cried Bastila.

"A nightmare."

"Betrayer," said that dark voice in my mind

"Force, what have I done?" I said, burying my face in my hands as the woman I loved held me tightly.

* * *

How was I going to tell her? How could I tell the woman I loved that I had to leave her to find my first love. The one who wandered **_alone_** in regions far and unknown? The one whom I had betrayed, horribly. The one I had left **_there_**, dying inside?

Because if I didn't find her, all life would die.

I couldn't.


	2. Chapter 1: Three Padawans

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor do I want to terminate those that do.

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

* * *

**(REVISED) Three Padawans in Dantooine (Revan) **

**_In which Revan and Malak get to know Xi Lan (pronounced hshee-lan), who will become the Exile._**

Add one ingredient to the mix and save the universe. Who knew that the meeting of two Padawans with one more could be so important for the face of galaxy, and of the Force? It all started in a class on Force echoes, which I suppose was appropriate. From that class, a slow thrum of change emerged that would shake the galaxy at its core.

If I had known what an impact this day's events would have, would I have done anything different? If I had known about the joys and the sorrows, the love and the betrayals that I would experience, would I have turned my face away in fear? Probably not.

I hope that our sacrifices will be enough for the future generations to live in peace, at least for a few centuries.

* * *

**A class in Force echoes**

If anyone could make a class about portentous events dull, it was Master Vrook. This day he was talking about critical moments and Force echoes. "A Jedi acting at the right time at the right place can change the face of the galaxy," he went in his monotone. "Force echoes are waves of influence that radiate from a small but critical changes. They can change the galaxy's story. Consider a situation where a Sith Assassin is trying to kill a certain world leader. That leader is playing an essential role in averting a planetary civil war that might destabilize a sector of the Republic. A Jedi or good security official might where the assassin is located so that they can thus preventing the immediate disaster, but they would still have to worry about the other Sith forces in the sector. A wise Jedi might see through the Force that this assassin could be turned if he fell in love with a certain person and arrange for that event to happen by determining when those two parties could best meet. In this latter situation, the former assassin might provide crucial information and assistance to root out the Sith forces in the sector and so not only avert the assassination but also promoting stability for many years to come."

Master Vrook droned on, giving example after example of how individual "wise" Jedi could use this principle to promote the stability of the Republic. He delivered each of these examples with such a stern countenance that I could see the backs of many of the students around the room bending under the stress as if they anticipated that they would have to make such exact judgements when it became their turn to act upon the world. After what must have been 40 minutes to these examples, Vrook finally concluded by saying "that each Padawan and Knight should now realize how important it is to follow the guidance of the Jedi Masters. Our actions can have a profound impact for good and evil, and so each action must be considered carefully. That is why we ask you to respect always the wisdom of the Jedi Council in guiding your actions. Acting alone at times may seem prudent and necessary, but today's victory may result in failure tomorrow." He looked at us with a stern and unforgiving expression, and then turned quickly towards the door. "Class dismissed," he said.

"Master Vrook," I called out, "a moment if you please!" I could see that he was annoyed at being detained.

"I have little time, **_Padawan_** Revan," he said with that perfect impatient instructor's tone. I detected a slight emphasis on Padawan too;

"Why are they called Force echoes, and not Force ripples. As you say, the effect radiates outwards?"

"They are called Force echoes, because," and I could tell that he wanted to say, "that's what we call them." However, he caught himself and took a deep breath before continuing. "They are called Force echoes because the source of the ripples remains. The moments where such changes can be made are fleeting, but the changes that are created are profound and long-lasting. And so the ripples keep flowing outwards from the echo until the source is taken away." Then, speaking louder, "And that is another reason why it is so important to trust in the wisdom of the Masters. Force echoes are more complex than you know and it takes years and years of experience to understand." Then he strode out of the room.

After that, the rest of the students started filtering out of the room, save two who came to join me, Malak and Xi Lan. Malak was my old and good friend. That Xi Lan joined us was a surprise, however. As she approached, I could feel something like… like a whisper of a pleasant breeze that promised comfort on a muggy day.

Xi Lan was a figure separate from the other Padawans, like Malak and I were. She had no close friends, although she seemed easily able to get along with the other Padawans. In fact, she had this curious impact on people. When she was around people, they seemed to pick up on her mood. I don't know why this was so. It was not something she was doing actively from the Force, that I could tell.

I sometimes tried to figure it out by looking at her through the Force when she was interacting with other students, but I could not discern how she was influencing them. How she was influencing me right now.

What I could tell was that there was a subtle difference in the her presence in the Force. When I looked at Malak, for example, his Force presence was like an open fire, strong yet unpredictable and dangerous. When he looked at me, Malak said, he saw a golden sun, almost blinding in its intensity. He thought that I would soon be one of the strongest Force users in the galaxy.

When I looked at Xi Lan, however, I saw something different. The Force in her seemed to extend beyond her body in a way I had never seen before. It was as if her body was much bigger, broader than what we saw in the physical realm, and yet somewhat less substantial. If I didn't know better, I would have said that her body included the air around her and the ground beneath her feet.

I found out later that the Jedi Masters did not know what to make of her unique presence in the Force either. In fact, apparently only a few of them were able to perceive its uniqueness at all. As for the other Padawans, they only saw green and blue swirls like slow eddies in a stream. Perhaps this was the reason why other students liked to spend time around her. They simply found her image in the Force to be soothing.

"That was an interesting question," she said with an eyebrow raised, "and an interesting response. You know, I think you are the only one who dares ask questions in Vrook's classes. Maybe that's why he dislikes you so."

The other unique thing about Xi Lan was her voice. It was very hard to describe. It was smooth and yet had a touch of huskiness. It had a light tone and yet there was a…resonance, as if the winds played over the wires of an ancient Bith violin.

"He dislikes me? Now that's not a surprise!" I laughed. "What is a surprise is the thought that there might actually be someone he **_does _**like." That earned a small smile from Xi Lan and a chuckle from Malak.

"Let us move this conversation to the combat practice area," said Malak and I quickly agreed. All of us had this afternoon off, so this was a rare opportunity to talk to the cipher that was Xi Lan and neither Malak nor I would willingly pass it up. Bringing her to the practice ring should, I thought, engage her enough to stick around.

We had talked before, but those conversations had been the brief and polite chit chat that fills in the time between classes. I think both Malak and I were curious to find out more about the inscrutable Xi Lan. I know that I was drawn by her mystery. Of course, the fact that she was attractive may have motivated me as well, although I would have denied it at the time. "There is no passion, there is peace" was something that had been well drilled into my head.

With that soft, enigmatic smile of hers, she agreed and we walked through the Enclave towards the training grounds. Malak walked with his usual long, energetic steps, as if yearning towards an eagerly awaited goal or confrontation. I always felt like I was holding him back, for I was an indifferent walker. I liked to stroll, lost in my thoughts.

Xi Lan, on the other hand, seemed to almost glide across the ground. It was like she was skating on the surface of some icy world. It was hard to imagine that she would ever be off balance, and in fact she hardly ever was.

When we arrived at the training area, we saw that a group of ten or so Jedi Knights were already training in one corner and we decided to continue our conversation while watching them spar. We walked over to the weapons locker and pulled out our practice swords. These swords were like lightsabres in feel and shape and yet much less deadly. They were made from an alloy of metals that was both light and incredibly strong. They were round in shape to lessen the amount of damage they would do when they hit. The practice swords were also hollow and filled with holes so that there was little air resistance when we swung them. Overall, they did a fair job of simulating the feel of a real lightsabre.

They also came in multiple sizes and configurations. Malak and Xi Lan chose single swords, with Malak choosing a larger one, while I chose a double bladed one. I had joked in the past that I needed two blades to keep up with the likes of Malak. I could have included Xi Lan in that assessment as well.

We settled down quietly to watch the Knights practice, enjoying a comfortable silence for a few minutes. Then I returned to the matter of our postponed discussion. "Think about this. There are billions upon billions of people in the galaxy. With so many people acting on the world, one could imagine that some Force echoes could even be created by accident. So why aren't there tens or hundreds Force echoes created each day? Why isn't the galaxy in complete chaos right now?"

Malak heaved a great sigh and continued watching the Knights. To an outsider, it would seemed that he was ignoring us in favour of watching the footwork of the Knights, but I knew that at least a part of him would follow the discussion. Like myself, Malak wanted to know **_everything_**. I know that it was frustrating for him at times when he could not understand what I saw or follow the paths of my thought. So he often pretended to care less that he did. I understood his frustration, for I would never be as good as he was with the lightsabre, a failing that bothered me. Perhaps that is why we became such the pair, we complemented each other strengths and weaknesses.

"So, **_Master Revan_**, why isn't the galaxy in chaos?" Malak replied.

"Well," I said, glancing at Xi Lan, "I guess it depends on how rare the moments actually are, and about how much power is needed to affect the change. Imagine that the universe is a marble in a bowl. Each action might move the marble a bit in the bowl, but in most cases the marble will return back to the bowl's bottom. Only a few actions will ever take the marble out of that bowl, and perhaps into another one."

"Or that the galaxy is a pattern," Xi Lan said, "like a spider web of massive proportions and infinite complexity. What are one or two cut strands compared to that? Unless they are just the right strands." I shivered as I heard her voice, and I had a foreboding of a desperate future in which we would hold more serious conversations about the Force.

I also noticed that her voice already seemed more familiar than it should be, and I could see that Malak picked up that feeling as well. Or perhaps he was just reacting as the young man that he was, because he straightened his back and folded his arms across his chest as if to display his admirable physique. Many of male Padawans, including myself, envied him for his looks, and few female Padawans seemed to remember their "peace" when he was around.

"A spider web… hmm…" Malak said, his eyes thoughtful. "The image of the spider web reminds us that everything is connected, but the bowl clearly shows the Force's resistance to all but the most dramatic change. Yep, they both work for me." Then he drew himself, pausing dramatically. "There is one thing that I do know. One day Revan and I will shape the galaxy!" Then waving at me dismissively, "but I think I'll let Revan figure out the details.

Xi Lan and I burst out laughing then and I realized that she did not laugh often.

"Let us practice now, Grand Master Malak and lowly Padawan Xi Lan," I said, "for this is getting too serious and long-winded for the likes of me!" I gestured for Xi Lan to precede us. Malak, damn him, moved swiftly behind her saying, "Xi Lan and I will have the first bout."


	3. Chapter 2: A practice bout

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor do I want to terminate those that do.

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

* * *

**Chapter 2: A Practice Bout (Revan)**

_In which three Padawans get bruised and dirty_

Malak and Xi Lan quickly found a practice circle away from the Knights. As they spent time stretching and warming up their muscles, I spent time watching her. She was neither tall nor short. She came up to my shoulders and Malak's mid-chest. She was not particularly muscular but her physique definitely showed that she was in good condition. Her body seemed to be of one piece, each part fitting with the other with nothing standing out. Her shape was not particularly voluptuous, with hips more narrow and breasts slightly smaller than many of the other female students. Her legs were shapely, bending gently around muscles that reflected her hard training and yet not detracting from the overall subtle curves of her body. She was of one piece, with each part flowing into the next seamlessly.

Her eyes were more almond shaped, slightly larger than normal and close together on her face. They were a very light gray and seemed to be filled with a soft light. Her hair was as black as anything I had seen save perhaps the empty spaces of the universe as seen from a cruising star ship. She kept her hair long, which was highly unusual for a Jedi. Most cut their hair short so that it would not interfere with their training. Usually, she had most of her hair tied up in the back, usually with some small pins holding it in place. She often let some of her hair hang down on each side of her face. It was probably not the most practical arrangement for someone who might need to fight, but it was a striking arrangement, one that highlighted her eyes.

Her hands also stood out. They were long, smooth, and strong, but that wasn't what was exceptional about them. It was the way that she used them. Her hands always seemed to be gliding over the surface of everything around her, including the air if nothing else was around. It was as if she was blind and seeing through her hands. Instead of gripping the lightsabre like a weapon, with taut control, she seemed to caress it. She brushed the surface of the practice circle while she stretched as if she was trying to gauge the shape of each grain of sand. I imagined what it would be like to have those hands touching me and I shivered. "There is no passion, there is peace," I whispered. Yes, I thought, it was like her hands were reading things in the world, and in the Force perhaps, that the rest of us could not see. And yet, I think she was largely unaware of what she did or how the world seemed to yearn for that touch, how the Force seemed to stretch towards her hands as they passed. Luckily, Malak and Xi Lan were ready to start their interactive warm up exercises so I decided to focus on watching them fight before I lost myself.

Xi Lan had a very fluid and deceptive grace that made her a great combatant. There were few who could outmatch her in training sessions. In fact, beyond a few Knights and the combat instructors, I believe only Malak and I could hold our own with her in combat. When it came to physical combat, Malak already had few equals. Not only was he strong, but he was agile and determined. He became tremendously focused in the practice ring, something he could not achieve anywhere else. I know that this sometimes worried the Masters, and it may have been a reason why they seemed content that Malak and I spend so much of our time together.

When I was pitted myself against Xi Lan and Malak in physical combat, I generally lost. I could defeat most of the other Padawans, but few of the Knights yet. I was pretty sure that as time went on I would be a very good warrior, although never the best. I was also fairly certain that very few in the Republic or beyond would ever match me in Force strength, especially once I completed my training. I tried to tell myself that this was just an impartial self-observation, but in moments of honesty, I was rather pleased with myself. When we were allowed to use the Force in our duels, I won more than half of the matches among Padawans, with Malak second and Xi Lan third in skill.

Neither Malak nor I could figure out exactly why Xi Lan gave us so much trouble as a fighter. She was not particularly strong. She was agile, but Malak, I, and a few other Padawans were equally quick. Likewise, her Force skills were adequate, but not exceptional. Yet she always did quite well.

I had no explanation except that it like _she_ was a weapon. Malak's skill with lightsabre and my skill with the Force were our weapons, but she seemed to know better than any of us how to integrate everything that she had and everything around us into her technique. For the rest of us, using the Force and wielding weapons were separate actions that we combined in our combat. For Xi Lan, Force and non-Force techniques seemed to be somehow part of the same movement for her. If the rest of us talked about strike, parry, and dodge, she talked about and fought in flows. It was hard not to get swept up in the current. When you fought against her, she never seemed to be in a hurry and yet you had to always to be aware of where she was. Many Padawans, and even the Knights, would aim a strike at her that they were sure would hit only to find they had missed and that she was now beside or behind them striking them in some vital region.

Another reason that she was a difficult opponent was that she fought left-handed. Her left-handedness should not have been a great advantage. A good fighter should be able to attack from both sides no matter what hand they use. However, she seemed adept at using the slightly different angles her left-handedness produced to slip under and over blocks, especially when she moved to one side of her opponent. Furthermore, she often wielded her weapon one-handed, using her other hand to strike or unbalance her opponents. I sometimes wondered if she could wield two weapons, one in each hand. However, she never did.

The Masters seemed unable to decipher why she was so effective. They sometimes asked us questions about our experiences in the ring with her, although I'm not sure what they were looking for. I think that sometimes her unique skills unnerved them even more than my strength with the Force.

Due to her unique skills, the Masters made sure that each Padawan spent some time sparring with her. You could see each student becoming a little better after their bouts with her, as if they gained some intuitive understanding of how to fight. None could articulate what it was they had learned exactly (I asked them one day out of curiosity), except, some chuckled, perhaps that they seemed to develop an extra eye to keep track of her! Still, each one of us, and many other accomplished fighters, often found ourselves off balance and out of position when we fought her. Perhaps it was like this. It was like her hands or some other part of here was always resting lightly on our bodies during the fight, feeling where we would go before we knew it ourselves, and then guiding us subtly out of our intended paths.

Unlike most of the other students, she did not have regular partners with whom she practiced. Instead, we always saw her in the practice fields with different groupings and teams. She never practiced with the same team of more than a week, and even that was unusual. Luckily, she was good enough and pleasant enough that none of the teams seem to mind including her when she asked. She had even practiced a few times with Malak and I. If she had ever asked to practice with us more permanently , we would have accepted her in an instant.

Malak and Xi Lan had now finished their warm-up exercises and were ready to begin a practice bout. As I watched them, I started to stretch my muscles so that I would be prepared to take on the winner. I turned back towards them when as I heard Xi Lan grunt and was surprised to find her on the ground, an astonished look on her face. She smiled fleetingly even as she evaded Malak's next stroke by rolling into his shins, causing him to stumble and almost fall himself. As he was recovering himself, she rolled away and sprung to her feet. "That is a new move, you will have to teach me that one," she said, brushing her robes.

"Later," Malak grunted and he moved ferociously towards her. I suspect he was rather frustrated that this new move had not resulted in a quick victory. His practice sword moved in a blur, feinting towards her head and then shifting towards her midsection at the last moment. She moved into him, using her weapon to guide his sword by her body as she rotated to her left and jabbed her right elbow into his midsection. However, he seemed to anticipate this move, for he wrapped his left arm around her and pulling her off her feet. Xi Lan squealed in surprise and started laughing, her feet pedaling in the air. Malak smiled briefly before dropping her with a curse after she knocked him in his groin with her heel. She quickly sprang away and shook her finger at him, not losing her smile. I wondered why she was so happy right now. Most of the time she seemed distant and aloof. I felt a cold, gnawing feeling in my gut and realized that I felt a bit _jealous_. Was she attracted to Malak?

Malak meanwhile was torn between smiling with her and feeling angry about how she had evaded him once again. He decided to to smile as he took up a defensive stance. He crooked a finger at her, indicating that she should initiate the next attack. At this, she looked uncertain for just a second and I realized that Malak had made another one of his unexpected insights into one of his combatants. Thinking quickly back on our practice sessions, I realized that Xi Lan usually let others initiate attacks and then responded to their actions. Malak was now forcing her to do the opposite.

Frowning, Xi Lan began to circle him with a look of intense concentration on her face. To follow her, Malak had to turn as well. After she had traversed two whole rotations around him, he became impatient and started to move towards her, then caught himself. Smiling grimly, he imitated her by shaking his finger back-and-forth at her. Making a frustrated sound, Xi Lan started twirling her sword as she considered her next move. Suddenly Malak moved, taking a quick step to her left and then moving directly at her with a straight-arm jab. She swayed on her feet, shifting to her right so that the point of his practice sabre just missed her. She then had to backpedal furiously as he continued his assault with a number of rapid strikes from both sides. When she tried to slip to one side, he seemed prepared for it, matching her movement with his own so that he was driving her into a corner of the practice area. She faked to her left and then suddenly _jumped _over Malak's head, he moved quickly to follow her but she reached the other end of the practice circle before he did and rushed forward at Malak with a jab of her own to his midsection, which he easily parried. She quickly disengaged her sword from his parry, flipping her wrist to bring the sword towards his shin and he avoided the blow by making a small jump and lashing out at her with his right foot, striking her in the middle of her forehead. She went down in a heap, looking dazed and Malak almost leisurely lowered his sword point to her chest. "Yield?" he asked.

"Yes, that was well fought." She seemed chagrined and I could guess why. One of her weaknesses had been found out and she had been defeated more easily than she had been in a long time. It was not something she was used to.

"You will have to get better at initiating your own attacks," Malak said passionately "if you are going to beat me in the future. You are a marvelous fighter, but if you can not press an attack how will you chase off a villain that is about to strike down a family or push an enemy back from a key position. You can not always rely on your enemy approaching you. You must be able to attack and attack effectively!" He paused and then, seeing that she was still on the ground, asked her "are you alright?"

"I seemed to have hurt my ankle. I think I twisted it when I fell."

"Here, let me heal that for you," he said. Malak surprised people because he was not only a good warrior but also a very good healer. Perhaps it came from the understanding of the body that he had gained in studying combat or perhaps it was just something that he had a knack for, I did not know. Malak moved his right hand to her left ankle and I could see his eyes glaze over and then focus as he drew upon the Force. He was strong in the Force, although not nearly as strong as I, and was done in moments. Before he could withdraw his hands, for the left one had drifted to her shoulder, she sprung up and moved to the other side of the circle. With her face a bit flushed she bowed to him. "Thank you. Another round?"

Malak had been taken slightly aback by her sudden move, but he recovered quickly. Shaking his head, he moved back to the centre, raised his sword, and said rather smugly, "Of course. _After_ you."

The rest of their session together was spent with her initiating attacks and him defending and countering. It was like watching one of their typical matches in reverse, except that Malak even won more rounds that he usually did. He seemed particularly inspired today, his sword deftly parrying her attacks and then countering in ways that Xi Lan seemed unable to defend. Once or twice, however, you could see that she would find a rhythm, dancing at Malak from different angles and then striking in unexpected ways. In those instances she used not only her sword but also her off-hand arm, feet, and even once to Malak's surprise her head. As the match went on, I felt that she had learned an important lesson today, although it was clear that instigating attacks was something she would have to work on in the future.

"Enough," I called, "I need an opponent for my practice who is neither too exhausted to fight properly nor too smelly for me to stand too close to!" I must admit that I was feeling a little left out as they laughed and danced around the circle. It was rare that we Padawans got to spar with one partner for such a long time and I wanted my share of this rare opportunity with Xi Lan. When the two parties seemed to ignore me, I reached forward with my Force and, when the right movement arrived, _pushed_ Malak forward into a nearby stack of practice shields. He grunted as he landed in the plush blocks used by new students to practice their basic strikes. Smiling smugly as Malak swore—using a few new words that even I had not heard before—I approached Xi Lan, raised my sword, and said, "Shall we begin?"

She turned her head to look at Malak who had just extricated himself from the pile. She gave him an enigmatic smile, which he returned. They seemed to be sharing some kind of understanding and I felt another stab of jealously. Was something going on between them that Malak had somehow managed to hide from me? It seemed implausible since I had never found that Malak was good at keeping secrets. He was too straightforward for that.

Malak nodded his head and before I knew it they were both attacking me. I backpedaled quickly, hastily blocking attacks with my double-bladed practice sword and jumping over Xi Lan's attempt to trip me up. In a short time, it became increasingly difficult as Malak and Xi Lan started coordinate their attacks more and more effectively. This was surprising because they had rarely fought together before. Malak and I were quite effective as a team because we had come to know each other's styles quite well and because we had often fought together against many others during other practice sessions and our time off.

Suddenly, Xi Lan feinted at my midsection and then, as I moved to block the stroke, she spun to my left side and Malak moved to my right. They then moved directly at me, each one striking at my opposite side. I tried to leap over their strikes but I was not quick enough and I found myself on my back with both my thighs stinging from their hits. Malak quickly sat on my chest and Xi Lan on my legs, with their swords pointed at... shall we say vulnerable spots. "Do you surrender?" Xi Lan asked.

I felt somewhat chagrined because I had been hoping, I think, to impress Xi Lan with my prowess. While being sat on by her was pleasant, Malak was quite heavy and I did not feel that I was being very imposing serving as their bench. "I think not," I said with a slow smile. Malak and Xi Lan swore as I _lifted_ them from my body. I started to twirl them around when all of a sudden I was _pulled_ into them. Before I knew it, I was getting hit by their thrashing legs as they spun and Xi Lan was laughing merrily. I was not ready to give up, so I continued to spin them even as I struggled against Xi Lan's pulling Force. I might have gotten away, but Malak joined her effort. I think we all looked a bit ridiculous, because I could hear laughter coming from the direction of the Jedi Knights who had been practicing on the other side of the yard. Grunting in disgust and getting tired of being hit by Malak's large feet, I set them down on the other side of the circle and started brushing the dirt off my robe. I still did not feel particularly impressive although I felt I had done well to hold them off as long as I did.

"That was quite... um... _interesting_," I heard and I groaned as Master Zhar appeared out of the shadows of the ring.


	4. Chapter 3: A bet is made

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor do I want to terminate those that do.

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

* * *

**Chapter 3: A bet is made (Revan)**

_In which a bet is made and Xi Lan is found to have an unusual skill._

As a Twilek, Master Zhar was an unexpectedly good trainer for combat and an unforgiving task master as well. I hoped that he would not scold me for using the Force in what was really just a fun match. However, his attention was focused on Malak and Xi Lan, his eyes inquisitive and containing other thoughts or emotions I could not read. "Have you fought often together Xi Lan and Malak? Your attacks were well coordinated and if I did not know better I would say that you were a well established team such as...well Revan and Malak."

"No, Master Zhar, this was only our second time," replied Malak and I saw that he was considering the implications of this.

Xi Lan also looked perplexed. "Was this unusual? I have always found that I can coordinate well with others. It's just a matter of paying attention and... I don't know... fitting myself within the pattern of the team.."

"What do you mean?" asked Master Zhar. "What are these flows and patterns that you are talking about? Are you reading or do something in the Force?"

"Not that I know of," she said. "It's just that if I can sense the patterns that my partner is following and so I match myself to them."

"I think it is more than that Master," Malak said, looking his most serious and contemplative. "Before I give you my impressions, however, would you indulge me by letting Revan and Xi Lan fight me for a few moments? I want to see if Revan's observations will mirror mine." While it is quite unusual for a student to make such a request of a Master, Malak was a first rate student of combat. He spent much of his free time studying books, holovids, and other source of information for information on fighting techniques. Generally, the Masters were willing to give him some leeway when it came to these matters.

Master Zhar quickly agreed. After taking a small cup of water to refresh ourselves, we set ourselves up for the next round. The Jedi Knights had stopped their practice and were arrayed around one side of the circle, curious as to what had attracted Master Zhar's attention. Xi Lan and I had our backs to them and across from us was Malak. Rather cockily, Malak gestured us forward. "Do try to make it challenging, will you?" If everyone else had not been there, I would have done something _playful_ to him with my Force. Since that option was not available, I turned to Xi Lan and raised my eyebrow. She nodded and we moved in opposite directions until we were almost opposite each other with Malak in between. Then we launched our attack.

It is hard to describe what happened then, because I soon found myself knowing where to move and attack so as to best coordinate with Xi Lan's efforts. Malak was soon parrying desperately to stave off our attacks and it was only his remarkable combat skills that enabled him to hold us off for more than a minute. Then the match was over, with Malak grimacing as he held his right wrist from which Xi Lan had stripped his sword. I suspected he would be developing a good bruise on the his left side where I had struck him too.

"So what did you feel, Revan?" asked Malak.

Turning to Master Zhar, I felt somewhat chagrined although I was not sure why. "It was something I had never felt before Master. It was almost as if I could feel invisible hands on my arms, invisible feet that showed mine where to go. It was as if something was guiding my actions, suggesting possibilities and opportunities. When I followed them, I found that I fought well with Xi Lan. The other times were more awkward, as I would expect since we have never fought together as a team. I wish I could make a better explanation than that."

"That is my experience as well, Master Zhar," said Malak, looking pensively at Xi Lan. "Although I think the connection was two way, as if those touches were also sensing what I was going to do. I could feel an ebb and flow... subtle pulses of... something. Is that how you fight so well Xi Lan?"

She looked somewhat embarrassed, her face flushed and her eyes downcast. "I certainly am not _touching_ you Malak. Nor you Revan. I don't now what you are talking about. But yes, when I fight I can often sense my opponent's intentions, I can feel where their focus is and how they will move to achieve it."

"This is most interesting. I need some volunteers," Master Zhar said, turning towards the Jedi Knights. "You five, starting from the end, come here." Master Zhar soon had five Knights on one side of the arena and the three of us on the other. "Fight," he said and we did. It was marvelous. Again I felt that sense of subtle guidance and harmonization and I could see that Malak felt as well. We fought very well and in short order we had "dispatched" of two of the Knights arrayed against us. After that, the three remaining were more wary. After we disabled another Knight, Master Zhar quickly gestured for three more to join the fray.

We lost Malak at one point when the three of our opponents managed to separate him from us for a moment. As they were occupied with Malak, Xi Lan and I had disabled our two. A minute later and another Knight fell to us, after which Master Zhar signaled for three others to join in. I could tell the Knights were impressed and more cautious. After several minutes of continued fighting, I found myself tangled up with two of the Knights in the same stack of practice shields where I had deposited Malak earlier. Now it was just Xi Lan and three Knights. She was a good fighter, but I did not expect that she would last very long against three experienced Jedi. However, she seemed to thrive on the challenge, to come alive as the three Knights circled and harassed her. Her loose hair wiped around her head as she twisted to let one sword pass and hit one the striking Knight with the palm of her right hand in the middle of his chest. He let out a loud grunt as her blow propelled him backward, but he was saved by some furious attacks by his two compatriots.

She glided through and around the three Knights, never letting their swords touch her as she swayed and evaded their swings and thrusts. They tried to surround her, but she wouldn't let them as she darted from side to side and between them. Suddenly, she ducked under two swings at her head and dispatched a female Knight with a cut across her knee. As the Knight fell to the ground, Xi Lan surprised the next Knight by parrying his attack rather than evading it as she usually did, and then moving in under his sword to head butt him into the ground. However, before she was able to finish her move, the other Knight drove her off with a series of furious strikes. Panting heavily, the three remaining combatants paused to consider each other across the prone body of the female Knight, who remained in place to simulate a real combat situation.

With a look at each other, the two remaining Knights moved to each side of Xi Lan so that they were separated by an angle of perhaps a quarter of a circle. Then they launched a series of well-coordinated attacks that showed they must have worked together before. When Xi Lan tried to escape to one side, they moved carefully to keep her contained, slowly but inexorably driving her towards the practice shields where I still lay. Finally, Xi Lan launched an attack of her own at one of the Knights, but I could see that it was somehow unbalanced, just as her attacks on Malak had been. As the Knight parried her attacks, the other struck her in the back of her thighs, tumbling her to the ground. The match was over and we all got up to gather ourselves. Xi Lan bent over her knees, gasping for breath and then massaging the back of her legs where the Knight had struck her. Perhaps she was avoiding our pensive stares as well. I felt sorry for her and I was torn between doing something to comfort her and remaining dispassionate like a good Jedi. So of course I was disgusted with myself when Malak walked right up and put his arm around her. "Well fought," he told the gasping Xi Lan. She looked at him for a moment without expression, then let out a long sigh.

She didn't pull away from him as I would have expected and I felt my third stab of jealousy in one day. Perhaps she was too tired or too focused on what Master Zhar would say, for he had walked over to her and, like us, considered her carefully. Then he turned to the various Knights. "What did you feel during this battle?"

Most of the Knights agreed that we had acted as if we were an experienced team who had fought many battles together. Obviously all three of us were very competent warriors singly, they said, but it was also clear that as a team we had fought above our individual abilities. One or two of the Knights continued to stare at Xi Lan while they talked, sometimes with their eyes taking on the distant look of force perceptions.

"Did you feel that you were somehow weakened, distracted, or hampered during this battle?" Master Zhar asked. All of the Knights shook their head and one of the two female Knights said, "No, Master Zhar. If you are thinking that Xi Lan here has battle meditation skills like Bastila, I will tell you that I do not think this is so. I have participated in Bastila's training sessions and I did not feel the sense of resistance and interference that I did with Bastila. It was not that we were any worse in this fight, they were just very good. Besides, whatever she is doing does not require the same devoted concentration that Bastila's technique does."

Master Zhar considered her words briefly, then turned to look at Xi Lan, Malak and I. "If you are willing, I would like to explore this puzzle in more detail."

"I am at your service," said a subdued Xi Lan, straightening up and facing Master Zhar with what she seemed to think was a carefully controlled expression of calm. I wonder who she thought she was fooling. I think the rest of us saw her uncertainty. I could not help but think why the prospect of exploring an apparent unique ability might scare her so. "Of course Master," Malak and I nodded our heads when he turned towards us with his eyebrows raised.

Upon our affirmations, Master Zhar sent one of the Knights off, directing him to tell our instructors that we would be missing our classes that afternoon. He also asked the Knight to request of Masters Vandar and Vrook that they come meet him and be prepared to attend the upcoming session

"Go get some water," he said, gesturing us to the water fountain on the other side of the practice yard, "and something light to eat. In 30 minutes, meet by the pillars in the fields southeast of the enclave. Do not be late." With that he walked off to his office, leaving us wondering, although none of us voiced it, why we would be meeting outside the enclave.

With a feigned, indifferent shrug, Xi Lan started quickly towards the water fountain, leaving a chagrined Malak whose arm was still in the air where it had been resting on her shoulders. The Knights also dispersed, some to resume their practice and others to the rest of the enclave.

I brushed the dust off my robe and, out of the corner of my eye, I measured Malak's reactions to this turn of events. He looked at Xi Lan's retreating back for a few seconds, then bent over to brush his robes. As I continued to watch him, he looked at me out of the corner of his eyes, imitating me perfectly. Grimacing, I stood up as he laughed at me. Walking over with more saunter than usual, he spoke quietly so that only I could hear, "Shall we bet on who can get, shall we say, 'close' to her sooner?"

One of Malak's failing as a Jedi was his inability to stop dawdling with the many young females who seemed to throw themselves at him. He had been reprimanded several times for his adventures with some of them. He certainly was not the virgin that I was, and part of me envied him his cavalier disregard for the Order's rules in this matter. He knew it too, so I did not bother telling him the reasons why the Order forbade such activities. I wondered sometimes why the Masters were not more harsh on him. Perhaps it was because he never showed any interest in more than casual evenings with any of the females. Or maybe they hoped he would grow out of it, or that I would somehow reign him in. Then again, perhaps Malak was not the only Padawan who had some liaisons with the local populace. Why would Malak alone get away with this behaviour?

"Perhaps I will warn her about you, Malak. And don't you think the Masters will frown upon such behaviour among students? This would surely be more serious than your dalliances among outsiders. You may want to be careful. Besides," I said perhaps more hopefully than authoritatively, "I doubt she will have anything to do with you. Xi Lan has always kept herself apart."

"You should be less of a prude or more honest with yourself about your own emotions, Padawan Revan," he teased me, using his best imitation of Master Vrook's stern and disapproving voice. I don't know how he did it, but he had that imitation down pat. "You push your emotions so far down, I fear they will control you in the end. Better that you face them then let them pull you hither and thither without your knowledge or consent."

I turned to face Malak in shock. It was a surprisingly insightful comment from him, one that I would have to consider carefully. I was the one used to asking questions and making comments that made others think. I had thought of Malak as my follower in this regard, but perhaps he was someone more thoughtful than I had known.

Then again, Malak looked surprised too. I laughed at his perplexed look as he seemed to considere his own words and then try to figure out where they had come from. At least, I guessed he was doing the latter because of how his eyes moved around in his skull as if he were trying to physically identify from where his statement had emerged. With a snort of disgust, Malak gave up and slapped me on the shoulder. Then he nodded to where Xi Lan was drinking some water and staring at the clouds in the sky. "Well enough wisdom for today. Your eyes are big and round when you stare at her, so I think you will be taking my bet."

"You are on." I reached out my hand and we shook on the deal. That was the beginning of our fall, and of our salvation.


	5. Chapter 4: A pleasant evening

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor do I want to terminate those that do.

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

* * *

**Chapter 4: A pleasant evening (Revan)**

_In which the three Padawans spend a pleasant evening together_

We practiced hard that afternoon. The Masters brought a three experienced teams of Jedi Knights, twelve in total, to do battle with Malak, Xi Lan, and me. We did well against even some of the most experienced teams. We did not always win, but even against double our numbers we did well. Many of the Knights left these battles shaking their heads or looking us over closely as if to pry the secret of our success from us. I understood their reactions for I could not explain our success either. As far as I or any of the other participants could tell, Xi Lan was doing nothing active with the Force. Her ability to aid our team's coordination was, as far as any of us could tell, something that came with her fighting style. She was not making us any quicker or stronger. She was not deflecting any energy or influencing any thoughts. It was just instead, for I had no other way of describing it, that we seemed to become parts of the same body. I had had that feeling with Malak before, but only after we had practiced together for many years. Neither of us had much kind of experience fighting with Xi Lan and yet we seemed to know in a way beyond words or signal how to reinforce each other's actions during these mock battles. It was both utterly natural and disturbingly strange.

The Masters tried different scenarios with varying numbers of opponents and different weapons. For one round, they asked Xi Lan to stay on the side and try to influence the outcome from there. That round showed that she had to be participating actively to influence her team. Similarly, when she was defeated before the rest of her team, her team would lose its edge. Once the Knights realized that, Xi Lan had to work twice as hard each round just to defend herself. Even then, she still had the same effect on her team as long as she was fighting. They also tried scenarios in which Force use was allowed, but that made no difference as long as Xi Lan was actively engaged. Then the Masters and Knights tried a number of things that were aimed at distracting her. For example, for one round they made her fight blindfolded. In another round, the Masters used their Force to propel rocks and sticks at her. Xi Lan showed in those rounds that she was very hard to distract, but when it did happen her team would falter.

After each bout, they had asked the participants questions about their experiences. It was increasingly clear that Xi Lan was not doing any kind of _battle meditation_. Whatever she was doing did not require the active concentration that battle meditation requires. I know that I never felt the pulse of power that would normally be associated with a direct application of the Force.

I think the Masters left that afternoon with a few new insights into this strange ability of Xi Lan, but with little understanding. They were pretty sure that Xi Lan was not doing anything consciously. She certainly insisted that the skill was as much a mystery to her as it was to us. I sensed that she was both speaking the truth and yet perhaps leaving something out as well. Luckily for her, it seemed that the Masters were not as sensitive today as I was to the nuances of truth and lie.

After the Masters and Knights left, Xi Lan collapsed on the ground. "I'm not moving for the next day at least."

With a self-satisfied grin playing on his lips, Malak said, "I think I can arrange that." He walked over to a small bag that he had brought with him and pulled out a small cooler. Opening it up, he said "I have a few cool ales that might take away the thirst of a good and long training session. Or some non-alcoholic Juma juice for those who are worried about the effects because of their weak constitution." He smiled challengingly at me as he said that, knowing that I tended to avoid alcoholic beverages.

I was not going to let him get under my skin that easily, not now, and so I pulled out an ale and with a flick of the Force, opened it up. The cap zipped under Malak's nose and tried to insert itself into one of his nostrils. Malak laughed as he swatted it away.

Xi Lan _pulled_ an ale from the bag to herself and drank it leisurely with her back against one of the pillars. "Thanks," she said after taking a long pull from the bottle. A quiet and comfortable silence stretched between us and we stayed there for an hour saying few words.

As the sun began to set, Xi Lan placed the bottle of her second ale on the ground. Then she stood up, arched her back while stretching her arms behind her, and let out a very contented belch. Malak, who had just been taking a slug of his third ale, spit it out as he started laughing. I just looked at her and wondered what I should think. Burping was not something that we did in the Academy, and it was not something that we normally saw in the few female students especially. I also knew that belching was not part of the dream image of her that I had been quietly building in my mind for the last afternoon. I shook my head as I looked at her and thought to myself, "I think you will have many surprises for me."

Malak, meanwhile, took another swig of his beer and then let out his own humongous belch. Xi Lan seemed to take this as a challenge. Malak had just finished his beer, so she grabbed mine and took a hefty swig. Seconds later, she made a sound that must have scared off all the wildlife for at least half an hour's walk from us. I grabbed my bottle back and gave it my best effort too. It was clear that I had much to learn from Masters Malak and Xi Lan.

At the end of the next hour, we had each consumed four ales and set new records for un-Jedi-like behaviour with our cacophony of belching, laughter, and imitations of students and Masters. I think it was the best time I had had in... well as long as I can remember. I did not know how it was that Xi Lan, who had been a distant figure until today, so quickly worked her way into the friendship that Malak and I had up to that time shared alone. It just seemed to be so easy to be around her. I could see that Malak was as relaxed as I had ever seen him. He was not even giving her those appreciative glances that I saw him give other females, students or outsiders. While I continued to be intrigued by her, I found that questions about who and what she was, how I was going to win the bet, and other things like that took a back seat to the moment. Perhaps we were not following the Jedi Code, but in that afternoon I think we were "one with the Force." It was a bubble of light and enjoyable companionship that seemed as natural as the world around us.

"I believe we have missed dinner," I said. I could hardly see my companions at this point, but I sensed it when they nodded their heads. "I do have some packaged food in my room from which we could make a small, cold meal. Are you two interested?"

Malak accepted quickly, but I could sense some reluctance on Xi Lan's part. "I will have to pass," she said with what I could tell was sincere regret. "This has been great fun, but there are things I need to do. I must meditate." Then a bit wistfully with a light touch of wonder in her voice, "I think I will meditate on the sins of drinking beer and making imitation Rancor sounds. I have enjoyed myself immensely, but...," then repeating herself, "there are things that I need to do." As she spoke, I found myself becoming once again aware of her as someone attractive and alluring. Her voice seemed to curl around my spine like a purring cat and I could feel little uncontrolled currents of electricity running throughout my body. I think that Malak felt something similar for I could feel his attention focus on her as well.

I tried to repress the feeling, because I worried that she would feel my reaction just as we had shared our contentment and laughter earlier. I was right, I could feel her _withdraw _slightly and I started to feel embarrassed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I did not mean for this to happen." Before either Malak or I could say anything, her practice sword flew into her hands from the ground and she dashed off into the dark. How could she dash after today?

Malak and I started to get up to follow her. We both stopped, however. She pushed us back, not physically or through the Force, but..._emotionally_. We knew that she wanted to be left alone.

As we felt her disappear, Malak and I gazed at each other wordlessly. Malak raised one eyebrow, questioning whether or not I understood what had just happened. I shook my head. Malak leaned over and started putting the empty bottles back into his bag. I grabbed the ones within my reach and added them to his bag. Once that was done, we grabbed our swords and started walking back to the Academy.

"Where do you think she went?" Malak asked. I started and then realized that she had moved beyond the range of my Force senses. She must have been moving very quickly to have done that.

"I don't know," I said. "You know, thinking about it now, have you ever seen her at night time, after our meals?"

Malak considered this question for a moment. "No, now that you mention it. I don't recall that I have seen her there very much at all after the evening meal. I think I always assumed that she went somewhere quiet to study or something else. I never really thought about it."

"Hmmm... You are probably right. She is only an average student in the theory and history topics. I can't imagine what else she could be doing. There's not much outside the academy unless you have some friends to visit."

"Do you think she might have a lover outside the school?"

"Wow now, that's an option I never considered! I suppose it's possible. Boy, in your mind the school is full of prohibited liaisons! Say...if it were true, does that mean we have to pay the lucky bugger off with the winnings of our bet?" Not that there were any winnings to be add, I thought, other than Xi Lan.

Malak chuckled. "I never said anything about her being a virgin. That bet was just between you and I. Although," he said as he stopped and considered the idea, "it might make our job both easier and harder. Easier in that if she's already experienced, she might more quickly step into the ring. Harder if she has any kind of strong affections for this current fellow."

"Slow down, Malak. We don't know if she has any lover. I find it easier to believe that she is reading books."

"No Revan. You are my Master when it comes to the Force, but this time my Force is telling me something that you are not seeing. She is not studying books but doing something much more personal. I don't know what it is, but it is something close to the core of her being." His eyes, which had been staring off into the distance, suddenly focused on me and I thought I could see his power behind them. "That you can not sense it tells me that I was right about the impact that repressing your emotions has on you. You can not see because you don't want to admit how attracted you are to her."

"I'm not _that _attracted," I protested loudly, "I hardly know her."

"And this is exactly what I mean. You are deceiving yourself. Me, I know what I'm feeling." And with that, he leered and the thrumming of his power dissipated. He put his arms around me and we continued our walk back to the Enclave.

We walked for a few more minutes while I considered his words. "Seems kind of sudden though. Why are we so suddenly attracter to her now? Why not earlier?" Even when my emotions were stirred up, some part of me was always able to consider a problem rationally. It was an ability I was proud of. It seemed very Jedi-like to me at the time. "She has been at this school for over two years now. Why is she being friendly now? Why are we feeling these emotions now when she was someone we largely ignored before?"

"I don't know, although I think he need to change your assumptions a little. You may not have noticed her much before but _I_ have always been attracted to her. She just... wasn't approachable before. I have tried to initiate conversations with her in the past, but she always seemed distant, not interested."

I punched him lightly in the ribs, "Well, it looks then that I will win the bet. She obviously joined us now because of me then, since you have nothing to offer her."

"Ha! I have plenty to offer, so don't you get too cocky. Pride will lead you to the Dark Side, young Padawan."

"Malak?"

"Yes."

"Let's promise each other that we will not fight over her. Let this remain a friendly competition, one that we are willing to lose in good grace. I don't want to lose our friendship over this. Do you agree?"

"Absolutely." He grasped my outstretched hand firmly. "Nothing will ever separate us Revan. We will be friends until the end of time, no matter what." He looked me in the eye, as if he was trying to will his words into my skull. "Friends, until the end of time."

I don't think the Masters would have been very happy with our competition, but we were content.

**

* * *

Interlude (Xi Lan)**

I ran fast that night, though my body ached from the exertion of the day. I was not prepared for the feelings that were overwhelming me and I needed to be alone. I was not used to spending time with others. I had certainly enjoyed my evening with Revan and Malak, but now I could feel them hunger for me, and I could feel myself respond. It was heady and scary and I felt that if I did not get away I would lose myself.

After I had run for twenty minutes, I had to stop for I no more breath left in my lungs. I collapsed on the ground and let the cool winds and currents of Force play over my body until I felt revived. Then, checking with my senses to make sure I was alone, I removed my clothes and starting stretching my aching muscles. Once I felt that I could move without stiffness, I started the moving meditations that I knew better than I knew myself. I lost myself in the patterns of life around me as we danced together under the moon's light. After an hour or so, I felt calm and refreshed.

I could feel the hands of destiny pushing me insistently towards Revan and Malak, but tonight at least would be my own. I dressed again and headed leisurely back towards the Academy.


	6. Chapter 5: An unexpected assignment

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor do I want to terminate those that do.

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

* * *

**Chapter 5: An unexpected assignment (Revan)**

_In which Revan learns more about Xi Lan and the Jedi_

I did some research on Xi Lan the next day during my time off. She was a year younger than Malak's and my 17 years, but she had only been at the school for 2 years. From what the records showed, she had spent the years before that studying with a Jedi Master by the name of Ki Lo. Ki Lo was one of those Masters charged with searching out potential Force users in the Outer Rim systems beyond the Republic. Those that he found he would invite to come to one of the Jedi Academies for training. Successful students were invited to remain in the Jedi Order, although they could also return to their homeworlds if they wished.

Apparently Xi Lan had traveled and studied with him as he had pursued his search. All of the other potential candidates had been sent to Coruscant. For a Jedi Master to take on a personal student outside the academies was unusual but not unheard of. The life of a Jedi living outside the schools and enclaves can be lonely. They often found it difficult to form lasting and deep friendships with people who could not use the Force. The instructors on Dantooine told us that such friendships were difficult because Jedi and non-Jedi see the world in such different ways. Some students postulated that it was because the non-Jedi feared us or were jealous of us. Given that many of my fellow students seemed to be at least a little jealous of my strength in the Force and Malak's prowess in combat, this explanation seemed quite plausible. If Jedi could be jealous of the abilities of their peers, then certainly non-Jedi could be jealous of Jedi. Of course, I believe the Masters worked on us Padawans to make sure that they lost this jealousy before they left the academy. It was one of the surest ways to the Dark Side they said.

Xi Lan had studied with Master Ki Lo for 12 years and had visited over 50 planets during that time. Master Ki Lo and her had never spent more than 4 months on any particular planet, so it was unlikely that she had had any good friends during that time. I could not help but think that she must have felt very isolated after all those years. Perhaps that was why she tended to keep herself separated from the rest of us. Perhaps she was not used to having friends or spending time with people of her own age. Ki Lo was not an old Jedi, but he found her when he was 35 years old, so there was definitely a generation gap there. Plus, I imagine that he must have been very busy on his search. I wondered how much time he could have spent on her training given his other duties.

According to the records, a servant accompanied Ki Lo and Xi Lan by the name of Lu Yan. Lu Yan came from Xi Lan's planet and still served Master Ki Lo on his travels. It was not unusual for a Jedi to have someone accompany them on these recruiting tours to take care of the simple things of life like food, sustenance, and boarding. I noticed that there was a link from Lu Yan's name to another record. I almost did not follow it, but then instinct guided me to click on it. The computer told me that that link led to a record that was restricted in who could access it. I smiled and answered an access code I reserved for these occasions.

I had gotten this code from Master Zhar unintentionally one day here in the Record Hall. It was late at night, and dark, so he may not have noticed me working at a nearby terminal. From what I could tell, he had apparently just changed his code and was having trouble remembering it. So, he had been trying different possibilities on his access terminal. Fortunately for me, he found the right code just as I was passing by and I could not help but hear it in his mind in his excitement and relief of rediscovering it. I was very careful in using it, and I felt a bit guilty at my subterfuge, but I was too curious to pass up the opportunity to learn more.

The restricted record showed that Ki Lo's servant Lu Yan was a renowned expert at something called the Gliding Hand style of fighting. Apparently this was an ancient fighting style from Xi Lan's planet that emphasized both hand-to-hand and sword fighting combat. Moreover, and this may have been the reason why this record was restricted, the proponents of this fighting style said that the techniques went beyond combat skill. Skilled practitioners, I read, could come to know and manipulate what was called Qi, or the energy of life. Xi Lan's people, who called themselves the Forgotten People, revered the practitioners of the Gliding Hand. Evidently, skilled users of Qi could heal the sick and perform acts of great physical prowess. They learned to manipulate Qi by rigorous training in the Gliding Hand. The record did not explain what the link was between the fighting form and manipulating Qi.

This Qi sounds much like the Force, I thought to myself, as I glanced around the room to be sure I was unobserved. According to the record, Xi Lan's planet was quite average in the number of Force users it produced as compared to other planets. Jedi inquiries into Qi had turned up no evidence that it existed either, but they had limited data with which to make that evaluation. Several Jedi Masters had traveled to Xi Lan's planet, Wan Di it was called, to see if they could learn more about this Qi. According to the records, the reputed Qi Masters always politely refused to demonstrate their abilities to Jedi. The Jedi Masters said that they did not sense any Force ability in any of the Qi Masters, so it was their tentative conclusion that Qi either did not exist or was just another name for the Force.

In an attached note, Master Zhar summarized his comparison between the Gliding Hand practices of Wan Di and the martial traditions of the Echani. Both cultures valued combat training, but the Forgotten People were much less interested in actual battle and war. Combat training for the Forgotten People was focused much more on spiritual awakening and Qi Mastery. At the same time, it did make them effective fighters. On the few times that their planet had been invaded over the last millennium, the Forgotten People had defended their homeland quite effectively. Would be conquerors now avoided the place, especially since its people did not participate in the wars beyond their space.

A final note in the record talked about Xi Lan's acceptance as a Padawan. Apparently, Lu Yan had indeed trained Xi Lan in the art of the Gliding Hand. When the Masters asked Master Ki Lo why she had been trained in these arts, he said that her parents had demanded she receive such training in exchange for permitting her training by the Jedi. Master Ki Lo had thought to refuse, he said, but he felt a premonition from his Force that told him that he should give into their demands. He confessed to the Dantooine Academy Masters that he still did not know why his Force had prompted him to act as he did, but that it still felt like the right decision.

When Xi Lan was admitted to the Dantooine enclave, the Masters here tested her to see what impact the Gliding Hand training had on her Force abilities. They found that her Force strength was only average, and that her presence in the Force if anything seemed to be less focused. Master Vrook stated in the record that he was concerned that the Gliding Hand training might be distracting or interfering with Xi Lan's study of the Force. He pointed to her diffuse appearance in the Force, saying, "It's almost like she is somehow a little less 'there.'" Master Vrook had suggested that Xi Lan should receive no more training in the Gliding Hand. Master Ki Lo had responded that he did not think that would be a problem, since Lu Yan had already stated that she needed no more training. Two days after Xi Lan was admitted, Master Ki Lo and Lu Yan had departed Dantooine. Neither had since returned.

Sensing someone approaching me, I quickly closed the record and logged off the terminal. When I looked up, I saw it was Master Vrook approaching me. Pushing down my anxiety, I greeted him. "Good morning Master Vrook. How are you today."

"Fine," he grunted. "And what brings you to the Records Hall?"

I knew that I should tell at least a partial truth. Master Vrook is Jedi and particularly good at ferreting out lies from Padawans. "I was finding out information about Xi Lan. After we did that exercise with her yesterday, I realized that I knew very little about her and I was curious. So I looked up her records."

"And what did you find, Padawan?"

"Well, I think there would be nothing that you don't already now, Master. She studied under Master Ki Lo and traveled with him to many systems beyond the Republic. I wonder why Ki Lo did not send her to us for training right away."

"_Master_ Ki Lo had his reasons, which he explained to us. They are not your concern. If you want to know more about her, why don't you ask her yourself?" He looked at me closely with his piercing gaze and I could not help blushing a little. Master Vrook was adept at rooting out uncomfortable emotions. "I think, Revan, that you should be very careful about your feelings. As we have told you, Jedi do not love because such attachments can lead to the Dark Side. But perhaps you have not fully understood this lesson. Write me a ten page essay on why Jedi should not fall in love."

"Master, that is not fair!" I quickly regretted my outburst, but I could not take it back so I continued. "I have done nothing wrong. I have made no advances to her and I barely know her. There is nothing for you or the Masters to be concerned about."

"Life, Revan, is not fair. I will look for that essay on my desk tomorrow morning." With that he walked off, leaving me fuming. Oh well done, I told myself. Now you will be burdened with Vrook's gaze and you get to spend all of today preparing that essay. Muttering a few choice words under my breath, I opened up the screen and started accessing Jedi records on the dangers of falling in love.

* * *

Later that day over lunch, I told Malak what had happened to me. Ever sympathetic, he laughed until there were tears in his eyes. Then, wagging his finger at me, he said, "It seems the competition is not as uneven as you thought last night." 

I scowled at him over my lunch, an uninspiring baked loaf of meat and vegetables, but then I had to grin back. "Yeah, now it seems that I not only have to woo the most elusive student in the school, but do so with Master Vrook looking over my shoulder." Mimicking the most confident pose I could think of, I said, "Well, at least it will make it somewhat of a challenge."

Malak laughed again, giving a good shot to the arm. "This is bringing out your best Revan. We should have done this ages ago."

"There was no one worth competing for," I muttered, rubbing my arm. Then I winced for that comment revealed too much about what I was feeling, to Malak and to me. Luckily Malak seemed to have missed the comment, for his head was turned and he was gesturing someone over. "Come join us," he said. I turned to see who it was, and was not surprised to see that it was Xi Lan who had just entered the dining room with her plate. Thankfully, I think she was too far to have heard my comment. She hesitated, and then, squaring her shoulders, she came over and sat down with us.

She smiled tentatively at both of us, but she seemed a little uncomfortable, which I felt was unusual for her. She always seemed... well calm and distant as if she was unaffected by the emotional currents in the school. It was like she somehow floated above our anxiety, jealousies, and rivalries. I guess that was part of her mystery. Sitting here now, I noticed that her hands were a little too still, not gliding over everything as they normally did. Then I wondered if the constant movement of her hands was related to her training. It was called _Gliding_ Hand after all. Unfortunately, I could not ask her because that would reveal what I had been doing that morning.

"That was quite the workout yesterday," drawled Malak, pretending to rub sore muscles. "I don't remember the last time I was so tired. I can't imagine what you two slackers must be feeling. Especially Revan here who can usually just pushes us all around with that mighty power of his," he said winking at Xi Lan. She gave him a polite smile and distractedly starting pushing the food around her plate. Malak went on to describe some other intense training battles he had participated in while Xi Lan and I nodded our heads. She did give at least some appearance of listening, for she asked a question now and then. I knew the stories well already, so I just continued eating and glancing at Xi Lan when I thought she wouldn't notice. I also made sure that I shielded my emotions, which were becoming harder to control around her. Why was this happening so fast to me, I wondered?

"I'm sorry but I must go now." Xi Lan stood up, holding her only half finished plate in her hands. "I have some studying to do about Jedi history and I need to get to the Records Hall."

"Revan was just there this morning doing an assignment that he has to give Vrook tomorrow," Malak chimed in. "I think he still has some work to do on it, don't you Revan?" Then Malak paused, and then glancing at me he said, " I think you know Xi Lan that Revan is the top student in Jedi History. I'm sure that he would be happy to help you with your work. And I'm _confident _that you could help him with his assignment." At this, he gave me his most innocent smile even as I resolved to strangle him in his bunk tonight.

"Well..." she started to say to me, and I could tell she was torn. "I could use the help, but I don't want to take you away from your own work." Then, quickly, as if she was rushing to say it before she changed her mind, "I will only agree if there's something that I can help with."

My heart thumping in my chest and my mind racing, I hesitated. She started to look hurt, and I quickly said, "I would be honoured to have you help me. Let me explain the assignment to you as we walk to the Record Hall. I don't want to interrupt Malak's ode to the joys of eating three plates of disturbingly plain mush any more." I stood up and we started to walk out of the room. "Aren't you forgetting something Revan," Malak called. I turned and then swore, silently but with great venom, as I realized that I had forgotten my plate and bag.

"Excuse me." I got the items and Xi Lan and I took our plates to the window for cleaning. The Padawans whose turn it was to do the dishes gave us curious looks, for Xi Lan and I were not a normal pairing that they saw. Atris, one of the younger female Padawans, gave me a considering look and then flushed when she realized that I was watching her. When Xi Lan started to walk away, another Padawan, whose name was Mara I think, whispered in my ear, "You don't have a chance with that one Revan. She's a cold one."

"Don't be silly," I said, and walked off with my most calm demeanour. I think I heard Atris and Mara whispering behind us, but I did my best to ignore them. I was starting to think, however, that maybe I was the only student who did not have romance or at least sex on my mind, especially when I saw the looks of several other Padawans that we passed on our way to the Records Hall. Some continued to look at us long after we passed them and one or two looked a little jealous. As I was considering those looks, I realized that I did not normally see Xi Lan walking with other students. It was only when we were in one place and doing activities that she seemed to join one group or another.

I turned to look at her and caught her glancing at me, looking uncertain and biting her lip a little. It was a very endearing sight and I felt an instant urge to somehow comfort her. She quickly turned her gaze to her books, and asked, "So what is this assignment that you have to complete?" While she asked her question, her left hand reached toward the hallway wall. As soon as she touched the wall, I could see and feel some of her uncertainty leave her. Her hand remained on the wall as we made our way towards the Records Hall.

"Actually," I said, think feverishly, "I am doing research on other cultures outside the Republic. Apparently some of them have different beliefs about or names for the Force. You are from one of those planets, are you not?" When she nodded, I continued quickly, "So maybe you know of an example that you could give me? That would be very helpful."

"I believe...I believe I can help you there somewhat." She seemed relieved to have a topic to talk about. "I hope you do not need to much detail, because there is only so much that I know or can reveal."

"Whatever you can tell me would be wonderful!"

"Maybe we should go outside and find a place to sit."

"Yes, that is a good idea. Do you have a spot in mind?" The Masters discourage us from talking in the Records Hall, so her suggestion made sense to me. Besides, it was a nice day outside.

In a few minutes, we found a quiet spot in the yards outside the enclave. We sat face-to-face on a low wall beside a path. People would occasionally walk by but not so many that it would be distracting. The day was pleasant but overcast, and there was a slight wind at my back. "I will start," she said, "with some basics and then you can ask some questions. First, I come from a planet called Wan Di, which means Forgotten Land in our dialect, and from a people called the Forgotten People. And before you ask, no I don't know why we are called as such. No one would tell me. They said it was something that only those who were fully of the Forgotten People could know. I was not such, because I was being trained as a Jedi and because I spent so much of my time away from the planet."

"It must have been tough doing all that traveling with Master Ki Lo."

"It was at times difficult but I treasured my time with Master Ki Lo. I saw so much that was wonderful and fascinating in our sector of the galaxy! Some of the scenery was just amazing! On the Driandi system, there is this place that has a system of waterfalls, each level with its own ponds of clear, cool water. There is no better place for swimming!" Xi Lan eyes started to dance and her body straightened up as she talked about her adventures on Driandi IV. Apparently, she loves swimming and being around water and I resolved to myself that I would find her a special swimming place near the Enclave.

Then she seemed to catch herself, "I'm sorry, I'm taking up your time with my silly stories. Let's get back to what you want to know."

"No, please don't worry, it was very interesting."

"Now, now," she teased me shyly, her eyes looking down at her clasped hands, "you must never lose your focus Padawan Revan. You have too much power to be daydreaming about waterfalls."

"If you are trying to imitate Vrook's stern look, you are doing a poor job of it."

"Thanks a lot!" she said as she hit me lightly on the shoulder. "But I guess you have already experienced that look today if you are writing some special essay."

"Ouch! You speak truly Padawan Xi Lan. Please continue with you description of your people and the Force."

She took a deep breath as she considered what to say next, and again her hand reached out to brush the grass on the raised ground behind the wall. "My knowledge of the beliefs and customs of my people is not as full as it could be but this I can tell you about. The Forgotten People, my people, believe in something called Qi. When I translate it to Republic Basic, Qi sounds much like the Force, but it is also different. Jedi see the Force as energy that both permeates all things and flows between them. We also see Qi as something that flows from place to place. In our Jedi training, however, we often learn how to use the Force, to think of it as a power source that we can draw upon to accomplish something, such as making something move or forming a shield around ourselves that deflects other energies or things away from us.

Qi, on the other hand, always considers patterns. Let me give you an example by looking at healing. Jedi use the Force to aid healing, but we do it in a very imprecise way. We move energy to the wound, we feel the pain, and we will it to heal. Of course," she raised her hand as if to forestall any protest I might have, "Force healing can be very effective. There is no denying that. Qi healers are weak compared to Jedi; they can not heal in an instant. Our healing requires much more time and patience, although it is quite effective as well. Qi healers look at the flows within our bodies and seek to see where they are out of balance. Where is energy accumulating rather than flowing? Where is there too much flow? Are some flows being directed in the wrong ways? How can we restore the natural, healthy pattern of our patient?"

A skilled Qi healer can determine the answers to these questions in a number of ways. They will measure your pulse and examine your eyes, skin, and tongue. They will also ask certain questions about what you feel. Although," she hesitated, "some of the truly great healers can tell in a glance what is wrong with a patient. Perhaps these latter healers do so with help from the Force or by some other method, I do not know."

As she continued to talk, she got up from the wall and started to walk around, her hands moving in the air with fingers outstretched. At first, I thought her movements were random but then I realized there seemed to be a subtle pattern to her movements, although not one I could decipher.

"To heal a patient, a Qi healer's sole task is to correct those flows. To allow flows where there is too little, to reduce flow where there is too much, to redirect flows that have gone astray and so on. The point overall is to bring the patient back into harmony with themselves, so that the pattern of flows in the body and those that connect the body to the world are once again as they should be. So you can see that Qi healing concerns itself with energy flows, and so is linked to the Force. Qi Mastery is less powerful, but more precise. When I learned to heal using the Force, it took me less than a year to become fairly proficient at it. A Qi healer would have to study for many years beyond that before she would be allowed to heal another. On the downside, much of Jedi healing does not consider the whole package, does not see how parts fit within wholes. Force healers are guided by the Force to do what is necessary, quickly. But they stop at what is necessary to maintain life and do not have a good vision of what is required to promote well being. For well being, Jedi look to the Jedi Code, while Qi Masters look always to energy patterns and flows. How does each part, whether a finger in a body, or a person in a family, or a planet in an empire, fit within the pattern of life of the whole?"

I hated to interrupt her talking, not only because it was so fascinating but also because I could see that this topic touched upon something that she cared about deeply and passionately. I had never seen her so... _unguarded_. Then again, I had never really talked with her so much before. "That sounds a bit like the discussion we had the other day about Force echoes," I said. Was this, I wondered, why she had approached Malak and I yesterday?

I wondered if she read this last thought, because she answered, "Yes, and I liked your question that day. Yes, we can create Force echoes, but how can we know which ones to create unless we have some understanding of what pattern we are looking to achieve. I could not help but compare what Master Vrook was saying to what I have been taught about Qi as the patterns of the universe. According to this idea of Force echoes, we should be looking for one dramatic action. Qi Masters work more gently, over time, to promote healthy patterns in their patients and in our communities. I trust Jedi instincts, but I'm not sure if Jedi understand patterns. Jedi understand power much better than well-being."

And then, quite suddenly she seemed to deflate and her face became sad. "And yet, in both Qi and the Force I am but a student and a young one at that. Here I am, 16 years of age and I am questioning those that have studied the for more than twice my years, if not more. Lu Yan," and she started when she realized that she had said his name. After darting a quick glance at me, which I returned blandly, she continued, "told me that I must never trust the Force over Qi, but I'm not sure if he is right either." Abruptly, she walked over and sat down, her hands stilled. "I don't know," she said quietly.

I reached my hand out towards hers, but then I stopped for fear of scaring her off. "It is the function of youth to question those that are older," I said, willing her to understand. "How else can we learn if we do not ask questions? How can we understand what they tell us if we do not examine those parts about which we are unsure, uncertain? And look around us. Everyday, people with years of experience make mistakes. Vrook is the worst teacher ever, so where is his wisdom? I trust in the Masters, but doubt and questioning are wise teachers I think."

"I too," she whispered. I was not sure why she remained despondent, and I ached to put my arms around her but my instinct told me that this would not be welcome. I think she sensed my feelings because she looked at me sadly for a moment, and then with a deep breath she put on her best fake smile. "But this is too serious for a couple of young Padawans. What else do you need to know about Qi?"

We spent the next 90 minutes talking about Qi and the philosophies of her people. My head was spinning by the end of it, for it was a rich philosophy and we had just touched the surface of it. She recommended some records for me to pursue the matter further, then said that she needed to get to work on her own material. It was only five minutes after she had left that I realized that we had forgotten that I was supposed to help her with Jedi History. However, although I looked for her in the Records Hall and other study areas, I could not find her. So, after surreptitiously downloading information on the Jedi Code about love and attachment, I went to my room to complete Vrook's torture masked as an assignment.

In a nutshell, the Jedi Code discouraged Jedi from falling in love because people in love generally were attached to each other. Attachment had numerous potential that could lead to the fall of a Jedi. The most obvious avenue for falling was jealously. Many Jedi throughout history had fell because they gave into their suspicion, insecurity, or anger at their partner. Jedi Natra had turned to the Dark Side after he suspected his lover of cheating on him with another Jedi. Natra killed his lover and the Jedi and then fled to parts unknown. Other accounts pointed to how some Jedi had failed to act appropriately because of their attachments to lovers. Some abandoned key missions when they perceived their spouse was in danger. Others sought forbidden knowledge to save a dying spouse or child.

These examples were both compelling and yet insufficient, I thought. Jedi did not need lovers to fall the Dark Side. Could not love, I wondered, also keep one to the Light Side? The desire to not disappoint a loved one was one potential way in which love might keep a Jedi on the true and narrow. Of course, I did not put this and other thoughts about the potential for love in my essay. Instead, I dutifully recounted the lessons and examples from Jedi history into a nicely written essay for Master Vrook. I put in under his door two hours before dawn and made my way back to bed. I knew I would be doing dishes for the next few days because I had no intention of going to my morning classes.


	7. Chapter 6: A new friendship

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor do I want to terminate those that do.

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

* * *

**Chapter 6: A new friendship (Xi Lan). **

_In which history is revisited and a friendship grows_

The growth of a friendship is, I found, a wonderful thing. I had always hoped for a friend, even a single friend, during my many years of traveling with Master Ki Lo and Lu Yan, but we were always on the move and I never spent time more than a few weeks with anyone my age. Even then, I spent so much of my time in Qi training that I had very little opportunity to interact with my peers.

I guess that explains why I was able to get along with most people, but was poor at making closer friends. Maybe I just didn't know how.

So this new friendship I was developing with Revan and Malak was something very exciting for me. I had always wondered about them. They were certainly far more interesting than most of the other students. I saw such great potential for both of them. They would, I knew with all my Qi and Force instincts, do something grand that would shake the galaxy. I also knew that I would be swept into their currents.

I knew that I was an average student of the Force, although I always did well in combat training. However, even there I thought that in the end I would just end up average. Most of my time spent with Master Ki Lo was in studying the forms and movements of the Gliding Hand from Lu Yan. So I had had more training than my peers, and I figured many of them would catch up eventually.

Besides my Qi training, Master Ki Lo instructed me in the ways of the Force each night when he returned from his duties. I did my best to remember and understand all that he said, but the lessons usually happened late at night and by then I was very tired from the day's training.

Lu Yan had me do many different things. Each morning, I practiced the moving meditations. These were long sequences of movements that I would perform very slowly. Their purpose, Lu Yan said, was simply to learn the basic patterns of the universe. Knowing them intellectually, he said, would never be enough. They had to be embedded into my bones, into everything that I was. They had to become the whole of me, he said, rather than a part of me.

As I learned and got better at these forms, I found that I started sensing the flows and patterns of the world around me in ways that were alike and yet different from what I saw by applying the Force. Moreover, these two sights seemed to complement each other. With Qi, I started to see patterns in everything, although some patterns were too complex and too large for me to grasp. Lu Yan taught me to sense Qi through my body but I could also see it through the Force. I could sense its colour, its intensity, and the subtle variations underlying each flow and each node. Within a few years, I was more sensitive to Qi than Lu Yan, although I was far from his wisdom in understanding its ways. When I became stronger in the Force, Lu Yan said, I would probably be able to sense and manipulate Qi in ways that would go beyond what Qi Masters such as Lu Yan could do with their needles, massages, and exercises.

He often reprimanded me when I would become lost in contemplating Qi patterns and flows that I saw through the Force and my fingers. It was overwhelming sometimes when all my senses seemed to be speaking to me at the same time. It was like listening to an opera, eating a good meal, feeling a fine material, and smelling a delicate bouquet all at the same time, with each part telling you something different about something wondrously indescribable.

When Lu Yan told him about my increasing sensitivity, Master Ki Lo started testing me to see how strong I was as a Force user. Here I disappointed him, however, for as far as he was able to tell my strength was only average. One late night, as I left the room after one long testing session, I heard him mutter to himself, "but I sensed such a destiny for her." For years after that day, I worked even harder to improve my Force strength so that I would not disappoint him, but the result was always the same. I could only draw so much Force to me without disrupting the patterns around me, and I did not want to do that. Master Ki seemed to be able to draw on the Force without impacting the patterns at all, so we did not understand why I was having that affect on the Force.

Besides the moving meditations, Lu Yan and I spent much time in working on specific physical and combat training. I can't remember how many times I must have jogged around the perimeter of our ship as we traveled from world to world. I did many other exercises that strengthened my whole body, which I needed because my body was not naturally strong. I was quick, though, although not as quick as Lu Yan and some of the other students Master Ki Lo recruited. We also worked on different forms and techniques. I learned about how to fight hand-to-hand and with swords. Here Master Ki put his foot down, so I did not learn to use the traditional swords of Wan Di. Instead, I used the practice swords that Jedi traditionally use to simulate lightsabres.

I once asked Master Ki if other potential Jedi from my world also received Qi training. He told me that I was the only that he knew of. When I asked him why, he said that I would just have to trust him. I'm not sure, though, if he trusted himself. I sometimes heard him telling Lu Yan that he thought all this training was probably more than I would ever need as a Jedi. Once I had command of the Force, Master Ki said, I would be able to do things way beyond what I was learning now and with much greater ease. Lu Yan nodded politely each time, and my Qi training continued.

As we practiced these fighting exercises more and more, I began to see connections between them and the moving meditations I practiced each day. When I commented on this, Lu Yan praised me for my insight. I was a good and earnest student, he said, even if I was not the most talented fighter. His opinion changed as my understanding of the moving meditations started to make their way into my fighting style. "I am impressed," he said. Very few students of the Gliding Hand ever manage to incorporate Qi so well into their fighting, even after 20 years of practice. You are learning this most essential lesson far earlier than I have ever seen. I wonder if this is related to your Jedi training?" By the time I left Lu Yan and Master Ki, Lu Yan said that there was nothing more that he could teach me. "You can beat me two times out of five, and only my experience prevents you from winning every bout. Just keep practicing all that you have learned. Never let your study of the Force blind you to what you have learned from me. You have a gift, do not lose it. Never stop learning about Qi!" I gave him my most solemn promise as I hugged him and Master Ki at the landing ramp of Dantooine's Jedi Academy.

As for my training as a Padawan, Master Ki was never satisfied with my progress. I used to wonder if I could have done better if he had spent more time training me or if I had just studied harder. Then I saw Revan. He was so bright with the Force, could draw upon it so easily and I knew that I would never be that strong. My gifts lay elsewhere. I could sense patterns that Jedi training seemed to miss. I was a good fighter. I also seemed to have a talent that made my combat teams particularly effective.

I think this was somehow related to my Qi abilities and training. I was always weaving my fighting into patterns. The patterns between my practice opponents and me. The patterns among my team, and the pattern between my team and our opponents. None of this weaving was conscious, it was just something I sensed, followed, and influenced through instinct. I could not explain it to the Masters for it was, as Lu Yan had desired, inscribed into my body deep beyond the ability of words to capture. At one point they asked me to train one of the Masters in Gliding Hand and Qi. I told them that I could not. I was not skilled enough and, besides, I was not allowed to do it. "Just as a Jedi Master does not casually teach others all his secrets," I said, "so am I forbidden to teaching Gliding Hand. Besides, I am far from a Master."

Some of the Masters, such as Master Vrook, were cross with me for a while, but what could I do? I had given my word to Lu Yan many years ago to not reveal what I learned to the Jedi and I would not break it. To do so would disrupt one of those vast patterns I sensed at the edge of my fingertips. I worried for a few moments as the Masters discussed my refusal. I did not want the Masters to be mad at me and I certainly did not want to be kicked out of the Academy. Master Vrook had hinted that I might have to leave the Order if I would not trust them with my knowledge of Gliding Hand. Luckily, Master Vandar seemed to prevail on them that my place was in the Academy and I should not be asked to leave. The Masters were disappointed, he told me, but they understood that I had to keep my word. I felt much better after that, although I was always wary around Master Vrook from that point on.

Before that class on Force echoes, I had circled around Malak and Revan for two years, learning about them while trying to stay unnoticed. They were the two bright stars in the Academy and they knew it. I didn't think I would fit with them, being the average student that I was. Hell, I didn't fit in with anyone. I was just used to be alone and I sometimes felt uncomfortable when I spent too much time with people.

I don't think that either Revan or Malak realized how closely I tracked them. Malak did try to make conversation with me a few times, but I sensed that his interest was superficial. I, like the other students, knew that he liked to seduce the attractive girls outside the Academy. Rumour had it that he had also been successful with a few of the female Padawans. Perhaps he hoped to add me to the list. He certainly was attractive, but I could sense that it would be a mistake to let him seduce me. I was not sure of this until I brushed my fingers against him one day. It was under the guise of a stumble and from that touch I could tell that to give into his advances would not only hurt me, but somehow interfere with an important pattern that was slowly building around Revan. So, when Malak swaggered towards me with that inviting smile, I pretended indifference while my heart thumped and my mouth was dry.

Revan did not have the attractive physique of Malak, and I knew that many of the other students found him too intense for their liking. His head only reached to Malak's shoulders and he was not nearly as broad shouldered. Revan's black hair reached down to his shoulders, although he usually tied it in the back. Malak's head had no hair at all, not even for eyebrows, mustache, or beard. I believe that was a characteristic of his people. Revan was not particularly muscular. He tended to stroll when he walked, which was always a striking contrast to the bold strides of Malak. When he was alone, Revan looked distracted as if he was always thinking about something or sensing the world through his Force. The only thing that was truly exceptional physically about Revan was his eyes. They were a deep green with large flecks of crimson. It was a striking contrast and a little disturbing too.

The thing that really drew me to Revan was that vast pattern that seemed to stretch out from and revolve around him. It was like he was the centre of the whole galaxy. I did not understand how large his destiny was until a training session on hand-to-hand combat during my first month at the Academy. It was the first time that we had sparred together and we were just starting the match. I like to wait for the other student to attack me, so that I can sense the flows of their attacks and respond to make the pattern I want. Revan faked a punch and then tried a straight kick at my belly. I ignored the punch for I could feel there was no commitment to it. I moved to the right of the kick, dipping my left hand underneath his knee as it came up for the kick. I guided his leg higher than he had intended so that he was unbalanced. At the same time, I pushed him sideways by ramming my right shoulder and side into his torso. As he fell, I twisted his leg at the knee and ankle so that I maneuvered him onto his stomach. Before he could respond I was sitting on his two ankles where they crossed over his buttocks. It was a classic pin that no human could get out of without using the Force and so that was the end of the match. As I waited for the instructor to end the match, and because I was curious, I let my hand brush his spine briefly. I was overwhelmed by the pattern I saw. I saw great tragedy, abiding friendships, unending love and sorrow. I saw billions die and a great shadow reaching across the universe. I saw _betrayal_, deep and cutting, and at the end of it all, healing. And I saw that it was a web I would be drawn into, whether I willed it or not.

I sat on poor Revan, unmoving and unhearing, for I do not know how long before the instructor and another student gently lifted me off Revan. I was told that I had tears running down my face. I think the other students thought at that point that I was a little mad, but once I came down from my vision, I pleaded that I was feeling faint and the instructor hurried me off to the infirmary for a check up.

I was scared and confused by what I saw that day. Revan, with Malak and I as two satellites, were interwoven into some tapestry that spanned the galaxy. Beyond that, I could not see. It was too big, too complex, and too personal. I could not see what I should do and I could not avoid it. I would be swept up in the current like a leaf on rushing rapids.

* * *

After that, I mostly avoided Revan and Malak, except for the occasional training session or flirting advance by Malak. By the time of Master Vrook's class of Force echoes, I think Revan had mostly forgotten about the incident from the year before. As Master Vrook droned on and on about Force echoes, I could feel my fingers tingling and I felt myself slipping back into a memory of that pattern I had seen around Revan. I knew at that moment, in that deep way beyond rational thought, that it was time for me to make contact with Revan and Malak. I was frightened, but I had no choice, not if I was to be the Qi warrior and healer I was trained to be. 

I had not anticipated was how much fun I would have that day and others with those two bright, young men. I knew that they were both growing more attracted to me each day. Malak became unusually circumspect with his desires around me, probably because he sensed that I would not welcome more direct advances. Revan, on the other hand, was, I think, as scared of his feelings as I was of mine, although probably for different reasons.

I returned their feelings. I quickly fell in love with both of them with the passion of a young and inexperienced girl, even though I knew that this path was fraught with heartbreak. I was scared of my feelings, so I tried to hide them from Revan and Malak. I think I was largely successful, for in the year that followed Master Vrook's Force echo class, we were the best of friends and nothing more.

We had many a meal outside the Enclave in which we joked about the Masters, our fellow students, and each other. We spent much time in the practice yards together as well. Sometimes we practiced one-on-one, sometimes two-on-one, and sometimes we challenged other groups of students and Knights to mock battles. We always won these latter battles, unless there were more than six opponents. Even then, we won more often than not. The Masters continued to experiment with my skill with teams to see if they could understand what I was doing, but I don't think they ever figured it out. They never asked me again to train them in Qi, for which I was thankful.

Malak remained the best Padawan when it came to using the lightsabre without the Force, while Revan remained the best overall warrior because of his overwhelming Force strength. I was third behind Revan and Malak in the overall category and second behind Malak as a lightsabre wielder. I think many people were surprised at my success in the overall category, since my Force strength remained distinctly average. I just had a knack for weaving the Force efforts of the other students into my own attacks and evasions. Only Revan could really consistently do what he wanted to me with his Force.

When we had time off, Revan, Malak and I sometimes took hikes in the areas around the Academy. Some of the land was farmed but much of it was wild. I particularly enjoyed being in wild areas for the Qi there is vibrant and uncomplicated by human politics and emotions. There was a pond that Revan found that we like to go to for swimming. The waters there were clear and deep and there was a small waterfall. I loved that place more than any other! Swimming there was awesome, floating in the water and feeling the mist of the nearby waterfall drifting on to my skin. Water currents and eddies are some of the most soothing flows in life and many Qi healers will go to water when they need to relax. I could feel the weight of Revan's pattern wash off me when I was at the pond. I think there was no other place and time where I was as happy as at that pond that year.

Beside the waterfall, there was a rock face that had a ledge about 3 metres above the water. We could leap into the pond below from that ledge and it was always the most refreshing way to clean the grime of a long day from our bodies. The first time Revan brought us to the pond, I was so delighted that I immediately stripped out of my robes, climbed the path to the rock, and launched myself into the water below. Malak and Revan soon followed suit, laughing as they swamped me with their cannonballs. However, I could see that my nakedness was affecting them, for their eyes kept turning towards and then away from me as we played around in the water. I thought about bringing swimming gear the next time we came, but then discarded the idea. It was too late anyways. They had seen what they had seen. I think too that I was a bit intoxicated by the effect I was having on them. I could not help it, I still can not. Being able to sense future tragedies does not mean that one can avoid them. And to be honest, even with what I know today, I would not change a thing.


	8. Chapter 7: A forbidden affair

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor do I want to terminate those that do.

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

* * *

**Chapter 7: A forbidden affair (Xi Lan)**

_In which Revan and Malak becomes Knights and something unexpected happens._

Fourteen months after we became friends, Revan and Malak were tested to see if they were ready to become Jedi Knights. The rest of us knew that the test was largely a formality, so it was no surprise that they passed, although there were rumours that Revan did not do as well as expected. After that, some of the students would stare at me when I passed them in the hall or in the classrooms.

The day of their testing was both a joyous and sad day for the three of us. We were all happy that they had passed, but sad because our carefree time together was coming to an end. Revan and Malak would soon be posted elsewhere to take up their first posts as new Jedi Knights. It would be the first time that Malak and Revan would spend significant time apart in years, at least since they had become friends at the age of six. While I was certainly the newer member of the gang, I knew that I would miss them greatly. They were my first real friends and I was not sure if I could bear to be alone again. I wasn't sure that we would ever spend significant time together again. Regarding the latter, I should have known better for I could still sense the pattern linking us through Revan, but I was still young and uncertain.

During the next month, we spent every moment we could together. Revan and Malak had learned that they would be leaving Dantooine at the end of the month for their different postings. Malak would be joining several Jedi Knights who were in charge of providing security for Republic fact-finding teams. Those teams traveled to regions of conflict and instability to gather information for the Jedi Council. Revan on the other hand had been assigned to Jedi Master Vash, who often served as a representative on the Republican diplomatic missions to various planets within and without the Republic.

As often as we could during that time, we went on hikes around the countryside. We often went to the pond, but sometimes we went to other places as well. When I did not have free time, Revan and Malak often went on hikes by themselves, for they had no more obligations to fill at the Academy. My heart felt like it would crumble into dust during those days, for I reminded me how much I would miss them when they were gone. It was getting harder to hide my attachment to them, and I suspected that many knew how I felt. One day, I got a lecture on the dangers of attachment from Master Vrook, during which I nodded at him politely. The other Masters started demanding that I do various odd tasks for them. Master Zhar asked me to teach some of the younger students in lightsabre and hand-to-hand combat. I think they were trying to distract me from the time of parting and it did help me somewhat during those days when Malak and Revan went out on their own. Luckily, I enjoyed teaching and I was good at it too. As the days passed, I was assigned more and more students.

Finally, the last few days of Revan and Malak's tenure at the Academy approached. I knew that I wanted to spend at least one last, long time with them. So I suggested that we go to the pond. They asked me if I had the time, to which I said yes. I was lying of course, but I did not care at this point. I just felt that I needed to say goodbye. It was foolish but heartfelt.

I told them to pack camping gear, for I wanted to spend the night outdoors. They looked surprised for a moment before agreeing. I didn't have any particular plan at the time. I had never spent time with Revan and Malak at night, for this was the time that I reserved for my moving meditations. It was a time that I normally kept for myself, to centre myself and connect with the Force and Qi. This night, however, was our last night together on Dantooine. I needed to somehow bring closure to this wonderful time we had spent together. I wanted, no needed, to do something to seal the pattern that we had become.

We set out that morning, in a light rain and arrived at the pond just before noon. As always, we immediately stripped and ran to our rock, jostling each other to see who would get there first. This time, I was determined to win, so I tripped Malak from behind right at the beginning. As Revan and I raced to the top, I turned back toward the ground as if I had seen something unexpected and said, "Look Master Vrook!" Of course, Master Vrook was not there. As Revan turned his head, his face taking on an expression of dismay, I pushed him to the ground, raced to the top, and jumped high in the air over the water and then _levitated _so that I was at the same level as the ledge, but over the water. I put on my best expression of "well, hurry up!" and waited for the two of them to get to the rock, which they quickly did. They both gave me looks of pretended disgust as I hung there with my legs folded underneath me. Suddenly, I was being pelted by clumps of dirt rising from the ground below. I yelped in surprise, but I was competent enough in the Force that I did not lose my concentration. I started pelting them with earth as well and soon we were all covered in dirt. Suddenly, I found myself turned upside down and I felt a _push_. At first I resisted Revan's attempt to put me in the water, but then I gave in, spearing into the pond. It was good to get the dirt off my body! Revan and Malak plunged in right after me, and we spent the next half hour laughing, splashing each other, and occasionally _pulling _each other under the water.

Malak said he was hungry and so we walked out of the water towards where our supplies were. Normally, we would all dry ourselves and get dressed at this point. The sun was hot though and I felt gloriously alive, so I pulled out a blanket, laid it on the grass and stretched myself out to enjoy the feel of the wind and sun on my body. After some slight hesitation, Malak and Revan did the same. I could tell that they were affected by my nudity and by the closeness of the moment, but I felt recklessly _alive_. I had not forgotten the tragedy that lay before us, but I put it aside. This might be our last carefree moment together and I did not want to lose it worrying about what must come.

We spent the next hour in silence. My eyes were closed as I enjoyed the cool wind that played along my body and the heat of Malak and Revan's surreptitious glances my way. I could feel the tension in the air among us. I basked in it. It swelled within me. Finally, I could not bear it anymore. I sat up and turned towards my two friends. They too sat up and we looked at each for a long moment. Then, as if they were one person, Revan and Malak got up and came to me. Hesitantly, I stretched out my hand, one for each, and ran my fingers down the front of their torsos. I had never touched a man in this way. It was intoxicating, overwhelming. Their life energies thrummed under my fingertips and a delicious current of heat flowed from each of them to me, through me, and back to them. We sat like this, transfixed for a minute, an hour, I do not know. Then I felt gentle hands pushing me back, part of me on my blanket and the rest of the earth and grass. Now the chorus of the Qi from earth and water joined our small pattern, helping me keep the larger and darker one at bay.

I made love to both of them that afternoon. It was not something that I had planned, and I think they were as surprised by the turn of events as well. Our actions certainly did not fit within the Jedi Code, but I do not think any of us cared. When we were done, we lay on the ground with our bodies entwined, saying nothing as the sun set and a cool breeze played across our bodies like a forgotten fourth lover. I felt languidly content, like a cat lounging in the sun, and perhaps a little stunned as well. I had never pictured myself in such a situation. In fact, until this day I had not thought I would ever have even one lover. But today in this pace, it felt right. I would let tomorrow take care of itself.

Finally, as the air became increasingly cooler, I disentangled myself from Malak's legs and Revan's arms and indolently considered the state of my own appearance. I was dirty and covered in the salts of dried sweat, but I also felt like there was a deep glow just under my skin that still yearned toward the touch of Malak and Revan.

I stretched my arms high above my head, and then said, "I need to wash this dirt off my body. Who's cooking dinner?" Revan and Malak groaned and looked ready to fall asleep, so I _pulled_ them into the water and then dived in myself before they could finish sputtering and work up some suitable revenge. Ah, the water felt sweet, cool and clear. I swam towards the other side, lazily on my back, while Revan and Malak watched quietly.

When I came back, they had both already left the water. Malak was washing out some of the blankets by the side of the pond and Revan had started cooking our meal, a simple packaged preparation of vegetables and synthetic proteins. Its simple smells lured me out of the water as I realized that I was famished.

I was not ready to be clothed, and apparently they were not either for we all remained naked. "Well," said Malak, and then he hesitated as if not sure what to say.

"Why?" jumped in Revan. "Not that I'm complaining, but why here, why now, why both of us?" I saw in his eyes a touch of wonder, what I expected was in my eyes as well. Why indeed? And also in his eyes, a gentle confusion, a questioning. I looked to Malak, to see what was there. He looked like a child who had finally managed to get the sweet his parents had been denying him for ages and ages. When he saw me looking at him, he let out a contented sigh and sat down, his eyes smiling. "Yes, why Xi Lan? I've been around the block as you probably know, but this is a first for me and something I had certainly not expected from you. What happened to our shy girl?"

I felt my face flush, but then I raised my chin, daring them to make me feel ashamed. "Why? I don't know, honestly. I did not plan this. This is not something I ever expected to do with you or anyone."

"Neither did I" Revan said softly. Malak just chuckled.

I paused to think but words were not coming easily into my head. "Does it matter, why I did it?" Then smiling shyly and slumping my shoulders and back, "I hope you are not expecting this again. I'm too tired." They both laugh quietly at that, but I could tell they were still waiting for an answer.

"I don't know. I do love you both. You are my dear and unexpected friends and you are both horribly attractive. And I think that after today, life will become increasingly difficult for all of us. I have not told you this, but I sense that we three have a destiny that will affect the galaxy. A time will come, there will be much pain..." I could feel my voice losing power as I continued. The shadows of our future seemed to be all too real again. "We will hurt each other greatly before this is done, and I wanted to... I wanted to have one moment together, before we are overwhelmed by the demands that will come, where I could express to you how much you have meant to me. How precious this time has been. I...I" I could not go on, and despite my best efforts to contain it, the sorrow I saw in the future overwhelmed me in that moment and I could not speak, I could not breathe. And then I felt four warm arms circle around me and I could breathe again although the tears continued to come. "We will hurt each other later, oh so terribly. I wanted you to know...," I whispered. "I wanted us to have a moment to treasure when the darkness comes."

"We will protect you," said Revan fiercely, "we will not hurt you."

"I know that you will try," I sighed and let myself rest in their arms for a few minutes.

"Enough depressing talk," said Malak gruffly, "or I'm tossing the both of you back into the pond. The Masters say that we can sense the future, but they also say that the future is murky and changing. There are no guarantees. So I don't want to ruin what has been a very glorious afternoon for me and my ego," and here he leered at me, "so if you don't mind Revan, let's eat before the food burns." We laughed and Revan hurried back to the food that thankfully was only slightly overcooked.

We passed a quiet evening talking about their assignments. They were both excited at the chance to get off Dantooine, although Revan looked at me guiltily as he realized what he was saying. I waved my hand at him to continue, "It's okay, I've had enough of you for now anyway. I am looking forward to moving on too, although I'm not sure I will graduate as quickly as you two have. Damn Jedi history!"

"Which reminds me," Revan said smugly, "I've left you all my notes on that topic on your bed. So no excuses now!"

"Thank you, that will be a great help."

"You are an exceptional fighter already," Malak said, "so that should make up for what you lack. I certainly was no star pupil in Jedi history or strategy for that matter." It was true that Malak was not a strong strategic thinker, although he did quite well in the other intellectual topics. I struggled in all of them except strategy. Strategy, political and military appealed to me because it was about patterns. The other courses were about remembering individual facts and ideas and this was not something I did well.

"Well, we shall see." I picked up a stick and stirred the coals in the fire, which was dying down.

"What will you do, Xi Lan, when we are gone?" Revan asked earnestly, leaning towards me. His eyes caught the red flames and seemed to come alive with power. "I know that you have been lonely in the past, and now that we are going, you will be alone again. Will you be alright?" His hand stretched towards me tentatively, and I grabbed it and held it in my own while willing the larger pattern away from my senses.

"I am used to being alone. Most of the time it seems right to me. I can sense the patterns of Qi better when I'm alone. I can hear myself think without all the yammering. I will miss you though, I really will, both of you." I felt a sense of loss as the reality of their impending departure began to overwhelm me again. "Oh, I need to meditate."

"Meditate?" Malak yelped, "who can meditate after this afternoon? I know only one thing would be occupying my mind and it certainly wouldn't be "there is no passion, only peace!"

I hit him hard in the shoulder and he gave me a wounded look as he rubbed it. "It's something I do every night. Don't follow, it's... it's private," I said while pointing at them. "I will make it short tonight. I should be back in about 45 minutes, so don't go away." I felt the need to be alone start to engulf me. I needed time to digest what had happened here and what would happen once Revan and Malak were gone. "Don't follow, please."

I grabbed my bag and started to walk off. I knew of a clearing not too far from here that would suit my needs perfectly. "Aren't you forgetting something, Xi Lan," said Malak. I turned towards him and he was holding my clothes, with one eyebrow raised and another smug look on his face. I think he thought that he had caught me out.

"No, I do this meditation naked. I always have."

Malak waggled his eye ridges at Revan as he chortled. Revan ignored him, his eyes considering me. I felt the need to remind them, "Do not follow."

I strode off towards the clearing, keeping tabs on them with the Force. I felt their curiosity, but they did not follow. At least, not that I knew.


	9. Chapter 8: The first betrayal

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor do I want to terminate those that do.

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

* * *

**Chapter 8: The first betrayal (Revan)**

_In which Revan commits a first small betrayal_

That last day at the pond before Malak and I left was probably the biggest surprise of my life. Xi Lan had become more and more comfortable with us once she started hanging out with us more regularly, but she always had seemed to shy away from any talk or situation that seemed to imply that there could be more between Malak and her, or between her and I. Malak complained to me in our last month at the Academy that he thought we would both lose the bet, and I had agreed with his sentiment. When either of us had tried to touch her, for example by holding her hand, she seemed to shy away from us before coming back with a joke or something else that told us she still wanted us around as friends.

Somehow, even our naked swims in the pond had remained light and carefree despite what Malak and I might have hoped. Who knows what we might have tried if either of us had managed to go to the pond with Xi Lan without the other. However, that never happened because both of us made sure that the other never got that chance alone with her.

I don't know why we didn't get more frustrated other then perhaps that is how she wished it to be. It was difficult to discern how she did it, but Xi Lan seemed to have this ability to set the emotional tone of a situation. If she wanted swimming naked to be fun and full of laughter, so it was. When she was distantly pleasant to the other students, they seemed to act and feel in the same way towards her. I don't know why this was so, because I never saw her using the Force to do this. She couldn't do it all the time either. I saw the look that the other students gave her sometimes. While most students still liked her, others seemed to grow more hostile to her. Some, I think, were jealous of her association with Malak and I. Others didn't approve of the time that she spent with us.

As for me, by the end of out time together on Dantooine, I had fallen deeply in love with her. Luckily, my ability to hide my true feelings had grown at an equal pace with my feelings toward her, so I don't think she realized how badly she affected me. It _scared_ me how much I thought of her.

I had not performed nearly as well during my testing period as I should of, due to that distraction. Maybe this was the reason that Malak and I were tested so early. Perhaps the Masters suspected what was happening to me and so they decided to get Malak and I well away from Xi Lan before I was truly lost. I was supposed to be the shining student after all, not a love struck Padawan who might fall to the Dark Side because he couldn't control his emotions.

Part of me was always aware of her through the Force, even as I was doing the tasks they set before me for the Test. I could not always tell what she was doing, but she was always there, a point of warmth that tickled my mind constantly. I did not tell Malak about it for I thought he might have laughed at me. If I had told him, I might have discovered earlier that he also had a similar sense of her through the Force. I wonder what I would have made of that back then? I imagine I might have been very jealous.

When she had proposed the overnight camping trip, neither Malak nor I expected anything other than a pleasant and fun time together, although we were surprised that she proposed spending the night there. We knew she practiced her moving meditations at night, and so we rarely saw her after the sun set. I wondered if she might let us watch her practice her movements this time, for she had refused all my earlier requests. Heck, she had even refused the requests of the Masters.

I certainly did not anticipate what would happen that afternoon.

And then when we sat together beside the pond after our swim, it was like she pulled us in towards her. She drew us to her like moths to the flame. I felt no direct Force influence from her, and yet it felt so right and so natural for something so unexpected. I had never made love to anyone before, so I shouldn't have known what to do. Yet, as we progressed, it seemed that we were each a part of a whole that knew its purpose and that purpose was glory. Each stage, each event seemed to flow easily into the next. It was marvelous and frightening at the same time.

Afterwards, I briefly wondered if I should be extremely happy to have finally made love with her or displeased that I had had to share her with Malak. In the end though, I could not be jealous of this moment because it really had been just so _right_. And if I had to share anything like this, anyone like her, then I wanted it to be with Malak. I will treasure the memory of that day as long as I live.

As we spoke about what had happened, everything that I was concentrated on her, although I hid it as well as I could. Malak had enjoyed the lovemaking immensely, but I did not think that he cared for her the way that I had come to. To him, I thought, it was a satisfying conquest. Not that he didn't continue think of her as a good friend as well. He enjoyed our time together, he very liked Xi Lan, and this afternoon was just a pleasant surprise that would not impact how he treated her tomorrow. Well, maybe he would treat her a little differently, but I suspect that he was already plotting his next conquest. For me, though, it was very different. I wanted no one else and I was not willing to give her up. Jedi code be damned!

I had secretly done more research that year on Jedi and love. In the past, I discovered, some Jedi had married and even had children, without falling to the Dark Side. The records were very vague though, as to why those Jedi from the older times were able to avoid the pitfalls that the Jedi Masters warned us about. Certainly, in recent history Jedi had done poorly when then loved another. Still, even in recent times there were a few exceptions. Jolee Bindo, for example. He had lost his place in the Jedi Order when he fell in love with a fellow Jedi, but he had not fallen. I thought that once I left Dantooine and was out from under the eyes of the Masters, I might try to communicate secretly with Bindo to see what I could learn.

When Xi Lan left to meditate, Malak stretched himself out on one of the dry blankets and promptly fell asleep. I could not sleep, however, because I felt a burning curiosity about this meditation that she did every night. I wanted to know more about her, everything about her, and so I needed to learn about this meditation that was so much a part of who she was.

I knew that if I got too close, she would probably be able to sense me. While she was not particularly strong in the Force, she was very perceptive. Luckily, I was also good at hiding and I just happened to have a pair of top quality field goggles in my pack that I thought I could use to spy on her from afar. I did not usually carry them on our trips, but this morning some instinct had told me to bring them.

So ten minutes after Xi Lan left, with Malak already snoring on the blanket, I stole out of our little camp to spy on my first love. After a few steps, I looked back towards Malak and used my Force to reinforce his sleep so that he wouldn't wake up for at least several hours. I felt a bit guilty doing so, but I quickly dismissed that feeling from my mind.

I had sensed which direction that she had gone, and I knew there was a small, beautiful clearing not too far away that she favoured. It was packed with flowers that filled the air of the clearing with a sweet scent. Walking slowly and concentrating on my mental walls, I angled towards the left side of the clearing where I knew there were fewer trees to impede my view. As I tip toed through the grass, I had to clutch my goggles to my chest because my hands started to become slick with the sweat of my anxiety. What if she discovered what I was doing? I did not want to risk what we had, but I found that I could not turn back. I hoped it was the Force that was pulling me here and not complete stupidity.

I checked a few spots to see if I could spot her with my goggles before I found the right location. She had undone her hair and it floated around her as she swayed through a series of excruciatingly slow movements. In her hands, I saw that she had two practice swords. This was very curious because she had always fought with a single lightsabre. In fact, very few Jedi, or any other warriors for that matter, wielded two single blades. The only one that I knew who could do so now was Master Kavar. Master Kavar came each year for a month to train the most promising warriors from among the Knights and Padawans. This year, Malak and I had trained under him. He was an excellent teacher and had even impressed Malak with his knowledge and skills with lightsabres.

Some people think that a double-bladed lightsabre is similar in difficulty to two single ones, but they are wrong. With a double-bladed lightsabre, the wielder is still only using one end at any one time. To use two single blades together effectively, a warrior has to be able to split his attention between the two blades so that they operate independently. If they could not do that, than the extra blade just distracted them. Which one should they block with, which one should they strike with? Many young Jedi tried to fight with two blades, but without the right talent, they discovered that they fought more effective with just one blade.

For probably 30 minutes, she went through one long cycle of movements in which the two swords and her body seemed to be one entity. It was incredibly beautiful to watch, and for a while it did not occur to me to look at her through the Force. When I did, I was entranced by what I saw. It seemed that the Force in the plants and insects around her joined her. Sometimes, the flows outside her seemed to mirror her motions, and then slowly it would change so that she was mimicking their motions. It was a dance that flowed back and forth without seams or interruption. As she continued, it seemed that more and more of the Force around her was drawn into this chorus of life. I had never seen anything like it.

When she stopped, I felt a great loss as I watched the currents of the world return to their normal state. I was a bit stunned by the sudden silence in the Force and by what I had seen and so I did not hear her approach until it was too late. "You must not tell anyone what you have seen," she said simply, her voice flat.

"Why? We could learn so much from you. _I_ could learn so much from you," I implored her. Then, realizing that I must look like a bit silly sitting naked in the dirt with a pair of field goggles hanging around my neck, I stood up and occupied myself with brushing the dirt off my body.

"It is not permitted to share." She said simply.

I nodded although I found I could not look her in the eyes, "I will not tell anyone. I'm sorry, but I had to know, just a little." I was mortified because my voice shook.

"I know you did, Revan. I can sense it," she said, as she reached out and touched me with her fingertips. "Even the little you have seen today will change the galaxy as we know it. Will it be for the better I wonder?" As she said these words, it felt to me as if the icy winds of deep space were speaking, not my new friend and desired lover. And then, after a long moment, "What about Malak?" and I heard human warmth slip back into her voice.

"He is asleep and oblivious." Then, to change the topic a little, "Why don't you fight with two swords when we practice?"

"To fight with two swords is holy among my people, something we only do in certain situations, like the moving meditation you saw. The other times we will do so is when master and student train together, and when we enter battle to defend our people or a just cause. Wielding two swords is a sign of our deepest commitment. When a Qi healer wields two swords, it represents her total surrender to Qi, to defending life. Only one who can becomes one with Qi can wield two swords, if Qi permits it."

"Xi Lan," I willed her to listen, "you are a Jedi too, and we fight for just causes. We have already committed ourselves to protecting the galaxy. Even though we do not follow all the rules or the obligations of the Jedi Code, Malak and I share the deepest commitment to preserving the Republic, the galaxy, and the Force. We are willing to sacrifice our lives for these goals. How is that different?"

"Maybe you are right," she said, her voice almost a whisper. "Maybe this is what Master Ki Lo was worried about, that I would commit to Qi and not realize that I could also commit equally to the Republic and the Force. They are not so separate after all. I also adhere to these values you speak of, although my first loyalty is to the Qi. The same applies for many of the wise Qi healers like Lu Yan. We value the Republic, but the Qi, the pattern of the universe, that is our primary concern. But it is not so different... I will consider your words."

I held out my hand and after hesitating a moment, she took it. For just a brief moment when our hands first touched, I saw an enormous tapestry of light extending from our clasped hand to Malak and off into infinity. I felt the precious lives of billions upon billions of beings as threads in that tapestry and I saw a great shadow that threatened us to rend it all apart. Somehow, the three of us were part of that shadow and yet also the defenders of this fragile weaving. And then the whole vision snuffed out like a candle, and I stumbled. As we walked back to the camp, I heard Xi Lan's quiet words echo in my head. "You see, you have already been changed and now our destiny is set."


	10. Chapter 9: The first parting

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor do I want to terminate those that do.

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

* * *

**Chapter 9: The first parting (Revan)**

_In which the three must say goodbye._

We arrived back at the enclave just before noon. After giving us each a quick hug, Xi Lan slipped off to her room to prepare for her afternoon classes. I had already packed most of my belongings, so I went with Malak to help him pack. As we packed, he kept glancing at me. Finally, he asked, "Did you see the meditation?"

"Damn!" I swore. I should have known that I could not fool him. "Yes, but I can not tell you about it. I promised."

Malak grunted and continued his packing and I felt a deep surge of warmth for my friend. "You are and will always be my best friend Malak." Suddenly, I knew what I needed to do. I went over to his drawer where I knew he kept a sharp knife that he used when he felt like carving wood. I came back to him, put forward my right hand and slashed it with the knife in my left hand. I held the knife out to him then, and he quickly slashed his right hand too. We clasped our hands together, saying at the same time, "Brothers forever." For the briefest instance, I saw the tapestry again. The shadow in it had grown a little darker, but I also saw a tiny pinpoint of light in the middle of it. I had no idea what this meant and the vision disappeared almost as soon as it had come.

"What's the matter Revan? For a moment, you had the stars in your eyes." And then, "is this somehow related to your spying on Xi Lan's meditation?"

"I'm okay and yes it's related. I do not understand it and I promised not to say anything. It's just that now I can glimpse just a little bit of some great events that we will participate in some day in the future. I don't understand it at all, except that Xi Lan, you, and I will be at the centre of it. There will be a great darkness and we may be overwhelmed. That's all I can say. That's all I know."

He thought about what I said for a moment, and then shrugged his shoulders. "There is no other place that I would rather be, if Xi Lan and you are there."

I nodded my head and we kept packing.

* * *

We were due to leave in 30 minutes and we had done everything we needed to do, except to say goodbye to Xi Lan. I knew that she had combat training this afternoon, so we walked quickly over to the practice yard to say goodbye. At first, we didn't see her because there seemed to be a circle of Padawans and Knights around one of the rings. Normally, this meant that a particularly interesting match-up was taking place, and cheering from the watching crowd usually marked such events. This crowd, though, was silent and I had a premonition of what we would see. Walking quickly over, I pushed one of the younger Padawans aside so that I could see. He looked as if he was going to say something about my rudeness, but when he saw who I was, he shut his mouth. Malak looked over my head. 

In the centre of the ring, Xi Lan fought with two Padawans and one Knight. Two other Padawans occupied places on the ground where they had fallen to her blows. Xi Lan was a whirlwind of movement. As hard as they tried, her three opponents could not pin her down in one place. As she evaded their attacks, she sent them scrabbling hither and thither with wickedly quick attacks that seemed to always come from every direction. One of the Padawans _pushed_ her with the Force and she allowed that push to hurtle her into the legs of the remaining Knight, somehow altering the direction just enough that she caught everyone off guard. As the Knight stumbled, she struck him in the chest with her left sword, using a quick upwards blow from the ground. At the same time, her right sword seemed to move independently to jab at legs of the nearby Padawan, causing him to back pedal when he moved in to strike her. As the Knight fell, she sprung towards the Padawan she had threatened, driving him into the other Padawan with a series of furious blows. As they disentangled themselves, Xi Lan used the precious seconds to quickly dispatch one of them, using her left sword to pin the Padawan's practice sword while striking in rapid succession the Padawan's sword arm and then torso with her right sword. After that, Xi Lan easily disposed of the last Padawan. It was as good a match as Malak or I had ever accomplished.

"Padawan Xi Lan, a word with you if I may," said Master Zhar, who looked torn between his anger at her apparent deception and his pride of an exceptional student. Of all the Masters at this school, I think only Master Zhar, and maybe Master Vandar, had a heart true enough to take this stunning revelation in good humour. Seeing Xi Lan glance towards us, he grabbed her arm and escorted her to us. "Do I have either of you to thank for his... unexpected revelation?" I could feel the weight of the other students' gaze and I hesitated. Master Zhar grunted, and moved us to a farther corner. "Well?" he said.

Malak looked at me, his eye ridges raised and his face expressionless. "I think you could thank both of us if you wanted to," I said, looking at Malak for a few moments and then, after Malak nodded, at Xi Lan. "But we have done nothing other than be her friend, the rest is her."

"Xi Lan, why don't you say goodbye and then come over and talk with me. I think we have a few hours before you need to do your extra tasks." With that, Master Zhar nodded to us and walked off, waving the other students back to their normal exercises.

"Extra tasks?" I asked.

"I missed a day of classes, so I'm going to be very busy for the next couple of weeks. I have a few essays to write, dishes to clean, bathrooms to scrub. That sort of thing." She shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly.

"You do realize that I'm going to study even harder now," Malak said, his eyes boring into hers relentlessly, "so that I can continue beating you, right? I'm not yet ready to give up my position on the top." Xi Lan nodded, her eyes shifting towards the ground and her face flushing. "Ah my dear, come here." Malak grabbed her in a big hug, lifting her feet off the ground. Her arms went around him and they held each other for several minutes. Then, he whispered something in her ear.

"I know," she said and then she kissed him on the cheek before he set her down. She looked to the ring where she had just been fighting and _pulled_ her bag into her hand. Reaching into the bag, she pulled out a small, wrapped package, which she handed to him. "I will miss you terribly."

Then she pulled out another small package, and came towards me with it in her outstretched hand. "What is it?" I asked, my voice cracking. She shook her head, so I took it and put it on top of my bag. Then, before I could think of what to say, she pulled me into an embrace. We hung onto each other several minutes or maybe it was forever. And then she whispered into my ear, gave me one last quick squeeze and, ignoring the tears rolling down her face, walked over to where Master Zhar stood waiting. I cried a little too, though I used my Force to evaporate the tears before anyone saw them. Anyone except Malak of course, who now had his hand around my shoulder.

After one last look at her back as she talked with Master Zhar, Malak and I walked silently over to our transport. We would be traveling the first leg together before catching the separate transports that would take us to our destinations. Upon entering the transport, we found ourselves a seat in a quiet corner of the ship, just before it took off. After five minutes, Malak turned to me and asked, "what did she say?"

I put my head in my hands. "She said, "Call me when the darkness comes. Call me when your cause is faltering and Malak and you feel that all hope is lost. I will come and we will see it through, though we will pay a terrible price."

Malak nodded to himself, then he took out the package that Xi Lan had given him. After a moment, I took mine out too. Then, we both opened them at the same time. She had given us each a locket, with a chain so that we could hang it around our necks. The locket opened up and there was something on each side of the interior. On the right side of the locket was a small picture of the three of us that we had taken at the pond during one of our earliest visits. We had just emerged from the pool when we took this shot and we all had great big grins on our faces.

On the left side, each locket had three tiny flowers that Xi Lan must have collected from around the pond. The stems of the flowers had been woven together at their bottom to form a simple circle, from which each flower emerged at equal angles from each other. The arrangement was laminated into the locket.

I understood what it meant. Our paths were separating now, but our roots would always remain together. Malak and I looked at each other for a long moment, and then we put our lockets onto our necks.

* * *

We did not talk anymore during that shared leg of our journey. When it came time to go our separate ways, we both opened our bags. I pulled out a lightsabre that I had crafted for Malak. It was my best work, and crafting lightsabres was an area that I excelled at. I had worked hard the last six months to develop a design that would suit Malak, using the Force to reinforce my understanding of my best friend so that the blade would reflect his soul. It was a magnificent lightsabre, crafted to suit his aggressive style and large physique. The hilt had red inlays and the blade itself was a deep crimson, because red was a colour dear to Malak's heart. The blade of this lightsabre extended a foot longer than other lightsabres and it was focused into a very tight beam that would cut through almost anything. Finally, I had added two additional crystals that were alive with the Force and hungry for energy. I knew that they would draw energy towards them, including blaster fire. I had searched hard for those crystals before I found them in the caves around Dantooine. 

Malak accepted the lightsabre solemnly, both hands extended so that I could lay my work in them. He looked it over carefully, making several appreciative sounds and I could tell he was pleased. The he lit the blade and did a few practice sequences. "It is perfect," he said simply, his voice slightly husky.

Then he pulled out for me a flat piece of very dark wood. That wood only grew on his home planet. I knew which piece it was because he had carried it with him when he had left his home as a child to come to the Academy. Into the piece of wood, he had carved a simple, yet elegant scene from our pond. Near the top of the scene, I could see the rock from which we all dived. On top of the rock was a single graceful foot that I knew was meant to belong to Xi Lan, showing her about to leap into the pond below. Following the rock face down in the carving, I could see two indistinct heads floating in the water, one bald and one not, looking up at the foot. In the foreground, I saw three bags and clothes strewn across the water's edge. "It is perfect," I said.

We put our gifts away and then embraced each other. "I will miss you too, brother," I told him. "If you ever need me, anytime, any place, I will come."

"The same for you," he replied. "The same for you."

Then we stepped away from each other, grabbed our bags, and turned towards our respective shuttles. It was a good parting.

Malak and I would not see each other for four years, not until we both arrived at Dantooine to start recruiting Jedi to help the Republic fight the Mandalorians. A year later, when all seemed hopeless, Xi Lan joined us in battle.


	11. Chapter 10: A new teacher

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor do I want to terminate those that do.

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

* * *

**Chapter 10: New teachers (Xi Lan)**

_In which Xi Lan gets a following_

The day that Revan and Malak left, I found two small gifts in my room, one a red box and the other a package wrapped in black paper. I wondered how they had gotten into my room, but then shrugged my shoulders. It wasn't important.

On top of the box was a single, elegant piece of paper carefully folded into a shape that came from traditional Wan Di culture. I clapped my hands in delight to see that paper. I knew that one of them must have practiced very hard to make those folds, for the art was not an easy one to learn. It took me several minutes before I was ready to open the folds in the paper. I did not want to ruin its beauty. It wasn't a masterpiece, but it was well done and it spoke volumes for the care that Revan or Malak had put into making it. Finally, with a deep breath, I opened it up. Inside was a key and behind the key, two simples lines that read:

_A heart should never be locked away. _

_Use this key to unlock when necessary. _

_M + R_

With the key in hand, I considered the box. The box had been hand carved and then varnished to a deep red colour. From what I could tell, it was probably done from a local wood. I had seen some pieces in the local community market that seemed to have the same texture as this box. Running my hands along the sides of the box, I quickly found a keyhole on the front. I inserted the key into the hole, and gave it a quick turn. The box opened up and a holovid appeared over the box with Malak's face. He started recounting a story from one of our visits to the pond about how he and I had played a trick on Revan. I laughed quietly as I remembered how mortified Revan had been when he thought Malak and I had abandoned him at the pond without any clothes. We let him walk for 20 minutes before we relented and showed up with his clothes.

After that story was finished, Malak's face was replaced by Revan, who started telling another story about another adventure we had had in the hills north of the Academy. I continued to stroke the box as the stories continued, already feeling the sweet sadness that comes from reminiscing about old adventures. I could feel those memories already seeping into the wood. Then, realizing that I was getting hungry, I took out the key, and put the box and key down so that I could consider the second gift.

Inside the black wrapping I found a deep blue robe. I caressed the material. It was incredibly soft, slightly coarse, and thick, very pleasing to touch. Perfect for a tactile person like myself. Lifting it up, I was surprised to see that inside the robe there was some kind of picture stitched in gold thread. I laid the robe down on my bed and opened it up so that I could see the patterns better. My hands flew to my mouth as I realized that the picture depicted a bird native to Dantooine, the Penia. It was a bird known for its elegance and grace and one that I had always admired. I had several pictures of the bird on the walls of my room. It was astoundingly beautiful and I found myself regretting that I would not be able wear the robe with the picture on the outside. Then, it occurred to me that maybe Revan and Malak had anticipated my desire. Sure enough, I found that the robe could be worn both ways. I found myself looking forward to the time when I could wear it as it deserved to be worn. I would have to pass my test first and leave the academy. It would be worth the wait.

My stomach growled, so I put the gifts carefully away, cleaned myself quickly, and then made my way to the dining hall for dinner. I had a number of chores and an essay to finish this evening, so I knew I had needed to get going.

* * *

Over the next two weeks, and then month I was too busy to feel very lonely. No doubt that is what the Masters had intended. During the first two week, I cleaned a lot of dishes at night and wrote several papers on the Jedi Code, including one on the dangers of attachments. I wondered how many other students had submitted similar essays to Master Vrook in the past. 

When I was cleaning dishes in the dining hall, I often felt the eyes of the Padawans and resident Knights evaluating me. I guess I can understand their reactions, I thought. I had disappeared for a day and a night with the two most promising, notorious, and newest Jedi Knights in the Republic. One of them was a secretly admired womanizer. To make matters worse, when I came back I started fighting with two swords instead of one and apparently I was good at it. I was very good. I thought it would be interesting to pass through the halls invisibly and see what my peers were saying about my adventures. Unfortunately, I had never tried to learn how use stealth generators.

Apparently, at least some of the stories _were _scandalous. A few of the male Padawans approached me over the next month to see if I would be willing to bed with them. They never asked directly, of course, but I could tell what they wanted after they flirted with me for 10 minutes and then asked me if I wanted to take a "walk" with them too. I didn't think that they were certain of what had happened between Revan, Malak, and her, but it was enough to raise their hopes. Each time, I pretended to not understand what they wanted and they soon grew tired of trying. Some of the female students also came up to me to see if they could nose out some gossip. They too left unsuccessful.

During the days of that first month, my remaining non-class time was occupied maintaining the practice area and teaching a few of the younger students in the basics of combat. It turned out that I was quite good at teaching them, for my students progressed faster than expected. As the months rolled by, Master Zhar assigned more and more Padawans to me to see if I could handle them. By the time that a year had passed, I was instructing the entire first-level combat class. I would talk with Master Zhar at the beginning of each week to discuss my plans for the next classes. At first, he made a number of alterations to my plans, but soon he was content to let me take the lead.

After the first year, the scandal surrounding my trip with Revan and Malak seemed to die down, although a new one seemed to be brewing. It seemed that, willing or not, I was starting to gather a small following among my fellow Padawans. Many of them were the young students whom I taught in the second level combat classes. I worked hard with them to develop their instincts for combat, although I did not teach them the secrets of Gliding Hand. At first, many of the students were frustrated when I made them practice their combat techniques in slow motion. I even made them fight each other slowly. At first, they felt awkward swinging and blocking swords at a snail's pace and I had to keep reminding them to slow down. After a few months, however, they started to realize that not only was their technique better but that they seemed to be able to anticipate their opponent's attacks better. Many told me that they also found that they felt less rushed when they fought at full speed. Many of them were also beginning to perform surprisingly well against some of the more advanced students. The advanced students still won most of the bouts of course, but the younger students pressed them harder than expected.

Some of the students even felt that these exercises were making them more adept at using the Force. They said that they felt more open to it. I had not thought of it, but it made sense to me. If my moving meditations could help me, why not the slow practices for them?

* * *

I was surprised one day when a group of older Padawans and a couple of Knights asked me if I could help them train. I told them that I was sorry, but I did not have enough time. I needed to spend more time on Jedi history and alien biology, I said, if I was ever going to become a Jedi Knight. Some of them offered to help me study these subjects if I agreed to teach an advanced practice group. I resisted their offer for two months and then I gave in. Even with Revan's notes, I started to worry that I would never pass those courses without some help. 

So, I consented to lead, but not teach, a small practice group of seven Padawans and Knights for advanced lightsabre and hand-to-hand combat. By the time that I turned 19 years old, that group had swelled to include over 20 Padawans and six to ten Knights, depending on who was on Dantooine at the time. And I found myself instructing them more than I had originally wanted to. It just felt so _natural_ to do so, even though it meant that I had even more demands on my already stretched schedule.

Like my younger students, I made this group do much of their practice in slow motion. I also continually challenged them to defend themselves without parrying each and every sword. "If you are parrying their sword, then your sword can not do anything. If you dodge an attack, then you sword is free to strike at the same time. It as a simple idea, but many of them found it difficult to trust in their ability to consistently dodge blows. I kept pushing them and we worked incessantly on footwork and flexibility.

Late one night, when I was more tired than usual, one of my second level Padawans knocked me out with a blow to my head. He had dodged artfully under my attack and caught me from behind. I don't think he expected to hit me, so he didn't pull his swing. When one of the Knights revived me after, I tried not to look too embarrassed. Standing up, I bowed to him and congratulated him on a masterful maneuver. He looked relieved that I was not angry, but how could I be? It showed that he had learned his lesson well. His fellows let out a collective breath and thumped him on the back. I told them to continue on their own and made my way straight to bed. I don't know why, but I think that event added to my notoriety at the school.

* * *

I found it really disconcerting when some of the Padawans started coming to me for advice on all sorts of topics and problems. They quickly learned about my limitations when it came to subjects like Jedi history, biology, and other such subjects, but for the rest I tried to answer them as best I could. It wasn't that I thought I was particular wise or anything. It was just that I felt that if they were asking me, I should at least listen. I heard later that many felt comforted by these talks with me, even though I'm convinced that I rarely had anything intelligent to say. Apparently, they thought I had a knack for listening without judgement and asking questions that made them realize that they had known the answer all along. I told them I was just asking those questions so I could figure out what was going on, but they wouldn't believe me. One Padawan also told me that people liked the fact that I was honest about what I did and did not know. I thought it was sad that such honesty should stand out in the Academy. 

As time went on, I found it harder and harder to reserve time for my own Qi training. I still did my moving meditation every night, but now I usually did it in my room because I didn't have the time to go outside and find a quiet spot. I missed my times of solitude almost as much as I missed Revan and Malak.

Half the time I was so tired that I fell asleep to the sound of Revan and Malak's stories with my robes on and my hands on the red box.

* * *

As my unsought following grew, I found that some of the other students started to dislike me. I heard rumours that some Padawans and even Knights were criticizing me. Apparently, they thought that I was conceited and that "I was already acting as if I was better than the Masters." Some wondered why the Masters did not put an end to my "strutting." "Maybe I was sleeping with a few of the Masters," some speculated. Those ones seemed to delight in guessing which ones I might be bedding. A few of my male detractors even tried to get me into their bed, probably to prove their point. After a while, I would just walk away from them. 

A few other Padawans seemed to delight in reminding me daily that I was just another Padawan and an average one at that. "You are such a poor student in history, theory, and biology, they would say, that you will never pass." Sometimes I feared that they were right, because I had so little free time these days that I was falling behind in my studies.

I don't know what the Masters thought, but they never said anything to me. Sometimes, it did seem that Master Vrook was watching me more closely, but I was not sure of his intentions.

One night, when I was again really tired from juggling my commitments, I got into a heated argument with one of the other Padawans. I had accidentally bumped into her in the dining hall, and the food on her tray ended up all over our robes. She started telling me off, saying that I was too high and mighty to be watching where I was going. I lost my temper and yelled back at her, asking her why she was so hostile? Then she called me a schutta and said that everyone knew what I done with Revan and Malak that night. She said I had probably done it so that they would teach me how to fight, so I could lord it over everyone else when they left. I told her that she was stupid, jealous, and I don't know what else. I thought she was going to hit me then, but luckily some other Padawans put themselves between us. A few of the members from my advanced group walked me back to my room, and one was kind enough to bring me a plate of food. I thanked them for their help, and told them I would be okay. "I just need some food and sleep. It's okay, don't worry about me," I told them. They were reluctant to leave me, probably because my eyes were all red and I could barely make my voice heard, but I managed to convince them after a few minutes. After they left, I cried quietly for a few minutes. Then I ate a few bites of the food they had brought and then fell asleep in my bed with my robes on.

* * *

The next day, I overslept and was not there when my morning session with the second level students was supposed to start. One of Knights in my advanced group, Tebbo, searched me out at the request of my students. When he knocked on my door, I answered him in the robes that I had worn to bed. He took one look at me and called a young Padawan from the hall over to him. "Go find Knight Yusara and ask her to lead Xi Lan's second level class today." Yusara was one of the other Knights in the advanced group. I started to protest, but he pushed me gently into my room and told me that he was not going to leave my door until I was back asleep. Then he closed the door and I could sense him waiting just outside. I was too tired to resist him, so I stumbled back into my bed and slept for another two hours. 

When I woke up, there was a note from Master Vandar that said he wanted to see him. I quickly washed up and changed my clothes so that I would be presentable. Besides Master Zhar, and later Master Kavar, Master Vandar was my favorite instructor so I wanted to make sure I showed my respect. When I entered his office, he asked me how I was. He looked concerned even as I told him that I was fine. I nearly groaned when he started asking me questions about the incident the previous evening. I apologized to him for my reckless behaviour and assured him that it would not happen again. He waved off my apologies though. "Concerned I am," he said, "that taken on too much you have. Ask help from others you should."

I told him that some students were already helping me study and he nodded his head at that, but he still looked a bit worried. "Find you some help I will," he finally said.

The next day, some of the Knights from my advanced group offered to teach some of the second level classes in my stead. "We know what to teach them, don't worry. Look at you. You are wasting away! Let us help you." It was true that I had lost some weight and I probably looked terrible, but I just did not feel comfortable imposing on others, especially some Knights! So I protested that it was not necessary. After a while, they wore me down and so we agreed that I would teach half the classes and that Tebbo and another male Knight called Pepia would teach the other classes. Both of them worked in the Archives, so they didn't come and go from Dantooine like the other Knights did.

Of course, when the students who did not like me heard that these two Knights would be helping me, they were incensed. "Once again," they said, "Xi Lan has managed to get two accomplished men to do her work for her while she takes all the credit. What she's giving them in return?" A few days later, two Padawans from my second level course got into a fight with three other students whom they said were bad mouthing me. Master Vrook had to _push_ the two groups apart with his Force. The next day, he called me into his office and asked me point blank if I had had anything to do with the incident. I told him that I had not, but that I was sorry that some of my students had acted so rashly. Vrook reminded me that they were _not _my students and that _Padawans_ did not have students. Then, he told me that he would come to my next class to speak with _the_ students, which he did. We lost half an hour of our class time as he sternly lectured the students about the link between giving into anger and the Dark Side. For the next couple of weeks, he was a constant, scowling observer at each of my classes. I don't know if he was looking for flaws in my teaching or if he was making sure that the students knew that he was watching their behaviour. Whatever his reasons, I didn't hear of any more fights among the students, although the rumours about Tebbo, Pepia, and me continued.

After a couple of weeks, it occurred to me that those rumours might make their way to Revan and Malak, so I wrote to them to tell them what had happened and to assure them that any rumours were not true. They wrote back to tell me that someone had wrote a letter to each of them making those accusations, but that they had not believed it for a second. Of course, Malak added, "Even if they had been true, so what?" Right beside that he drew a face with a leering grin and a big winking eye. I laughed at that.

I held each of those letters to my heart after I read them. It was good to have such friends.


	12. Chapter 11: Atris

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor do I want to terminate those that do.

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

* * *

**Chapter 11: Atris (Xi Lan)**

_Atris and Xi Lan become friends and Xi Lan finally passes her tests._

Master Kavar continued to come to our academy for a month each year to train the most advanced fighters. After Revan and Malak left, I was the top fighter among the Padawans, and Knights too, so I was invited to attend these sessions each time. When Master Kavar first saw that I was using two weapons, he pulled me to the side to test for himself if I was suited to them. I had never fought with someone else who could wield two swords effectively, so I struggled a little. Still, I held my own for four or five minutes before he finally toppled me with two quick blows to my right leg. "That was great," I gushed at him as I struggled up, trying to ignore the new bruises, "can we do so more?" He probably thought I was acting like a silly, little girl, but I couldn't help myself. I missed having a challenging one-on-one duel. None of the Padawans and Knights could consistently push me as Revan and Malak had, not anymore.

Even though I really did not have the time, I really enjoyed my sessions with Master Kavar. He knew so much about combat techniques and battle. He was one of the few people who could point out flaws in my technique. He was also a kind teacher, patient with his students, yet never too soft. He pushed me really hard at times to do better. If I was already teaching people, he said, then I had better correct my own mistakes as soon as possible. My skills improved immensely under him.

I also talked with him about training others. He gave me good advice about how to run a class and about how to deal with certain difficulties that students might have. I wish he had been around when I agreed to help Atris improve her fighting.

* * *

**A Letter to Malak and Revan **

_"...One Jedi Knight, Atris, has been especially good in helping me get through Jedi history and theory. She has an incredibly sharp mind when it comes to understanding the nuances and details of history. Do you remember her? She had pure white hair, pale skin, and flashing blue eyes. She's about as tall as Revan and quite attractive. Surely, you remember her at least Malak? Anyway, as good as she is in history, she was bad as a fighter. She kept trying to fight with her head instead of her instincts. One day, after she had lost yet another bout against a younger Padawan, she told me that she was going to leave our group. She had been so helpful, so I took her aside and offered to work with her one on one for a while if she would consent. I thought it was the least I could do. Besides, you know how desperate I am to pass my courses!_

_She agreed quite eagerly and we worked together every other night. I kept telling her to stop thinking and start trusting her instincts, but she just couldn't do it. After several _**very**_ frustrating weeks, I snatched her practice sword out of her hand and threw them on the ground along with mine. Then, I jumped on top of her and start wrestling her. I was trying to get her to react by putting her in a situation that was new to her. So I fought really dirty and tried some crazy, unusual moves on her. Hell, I was just making them up! Anyway, at first she was scared and then she got really angry. Before I knew it, she got one of her arms free and started hitting me in the face. Even though I had been trying to provoke her, she really surprised me! I think she hit me four or five times before I was able to break free. Then, she force pulled her sword into her hand and I thought she was going to attack me with that. I could tell she was still very angry, so I went really still and then bowed to her. I think the pathetic sight of me all dirty with blood pouring from my nose to the ground cooled her anger somewhat. Still, she kept her sword in front of her and seemed ready to pounce on me at anytime. I think she thought I was a Sith Lord in disguise or something because I had made her so angry. At least, I think she said something like I should be careful about using anger as a teaching tool and blah, blah, blah, the Dark Side. I'm not sure because I was feeling kind of faint at the time and my nose was broken. I apologized to her a few times and after a while she said it was all right and that she thought she would be better able to fight without thinking now. We will see. _

_After that, she stalked off leaving me standing there still feeling dazed. Finally, one of the other students came and asked me if I was okay? I told them that I thought I was, but they took one look at my nose and led me to the infirmary. The healer there fixed my nose and healed it. She seems to have done a good job, but maybe it's a little off line now. You can tell me the next time we meet up. _

_How are you doing? Please keep writing, I love hearing about your adventures. Malak, did you really kill a Terentatek? I thought they were extinct? What was it like? How hard was it and how did you do it? Revan, your story about the dinner rituals of the Xalton people was hilarious! I'm so impressed that they are giving you your own assignments already! You always were a great speaker._

_I miss you both immensely._

_Always your devoted friend, Xi Lan_

* * *

After she broke my nose, Atris finally started using her instincts instead of her brains in battle. One week after that incident, Atris had improved immensely and I suggested that we didn't need the extra sessions any more. I could tell she was disappointed, but she agreed. The fact that she did much better in our group afterwards I think convinced her that I was right. 

Perhaps she felt bad for breaking my nose or maybe there was another reason, but Atris started inviting me to eat with her. It soon became a habit for us to meet every third day to take a meal and talk about strategy or galactic politics. It became something that I looked forward to, for it was one intellectual area where I could hold my own. We never became close friends though. She always seemed to keep her emotions rigidly in check and so it was hard to get or feel close to her.

With Atris' help and the extra free time that came with Tebbo and Pepia's assistance teaching the first-level course, I finally passed the courses on Jedi history, Jedi theory, xenobiology and those other difficult courses. Soon after, I took my final tests to become a Jedi Knight. At the same time, Atris became a Mistress of the Archive, one of the youngest ever to reach that status. I thought it was a well-deserved honour.

I was feeling high-spirited after passing my test, and I wanted to do something to celebrate. I realized that I had not been swimming since Revan and Malak had left, so I decided that to make a trip to our pond. I quickly packed up my bags and wrote Tebbo a note requesting that he lead my class and the advanced group for today and tomorrow. I asked one of the other Padawans from my group to deliver the note to Tebbo, and then I started to walk out of the Enclave. Just before I left, I heard Atris call out my name. "Where are you going?" she asked. "I was thinking that we could do something to celebrate."

"I am going swimming," I said with a big grin on my face. Then, noticing a brief flash of disappointment cross her face, I asked her, "Do you want to come?" I would have preferred to just go by myself, but I realized then that perhaps she was lonely. I knew that she had few, if any friends at the school.

"I would love to," she said, giving me a rare smile. "Can you wait 15 minutes?"

"I will be just outside."

She showed up 20 minutes later with a bag in her hand and a pair of new boots on her feet. I raised my eyebrows as I looked at her boots and she shrugged. "I have never ventured outside of the school," she said, "so I had to buy some new boots from the merchant here."

"Then follow me, for you are in for a treat."

I walked slowly that day, both for the sheer pleasure of being outdoors with no obligations for a change, and so that Atris would not get too many blisters from her new boots. I had a first-aid pack in my bag, so I knew I could treat them if any developed.

We arrived at the pond about two hours before sunset. Giving a big whoop, I dropped my bag and started hopping toward the rock face as I pulled off my clothes. It was only after I was in the water that I realized that Atris had not followed me. She stood there glancing uncertainly in my direction, with a slight flush to her cheeks. "Is something the matter?" I asked.

"No, no," she said uncertainly, and then she proceeded to take off her clothes and fold them up neatly on top of her bag. Of course, mine were strewn across the grass. Once she was naked, she walked gracefully into the water. She was really quite beautiful, especially as her cheeks remained flushed. I wondered if I had shocked her with my behaviour or my nudity, then mentally shrugged my shoulders. Too late now, I thought. As she slipped into the water, she let out a contented sigh. "This is lovely."

We floated in the water for 20 minutes before I told her, "Come jump off the rock ledge. It is marvelous fun!"

I thought at first that she would decline, but then she straightened her shoulders and followed me up the rock. I dived right in, and, after hesitating for ten seconds or so, Atris followed by jumping feet first. She came out of the water laughing and without a word, she made her way to the ledge again. This time she dived in without hesitation, shouting, "Woo hoo," on her way in. It was the first time, I think, that I had seen her really happy.

We spent the next hour playing in the water and jumping from the ledge. It was incredibly soothing for me and Atris seemed to enjoy every minute as well. Finally, feeling like a prune, I made my way to our camp, where I dried myself and then put on my clothes. Atris continued floating in the water, her arms and legs stretched out. I started the fire and put some food on to cook. Only when the food was done did she come out of the water. "That was just lovely!" she exclaimed, giving me an open grin. "Thank you for bringing me!" And then she rushed over to me and gave me a big hug.

"You're getting me all wet," I complained after a minute, and I pushed her away. I think she looked disappointed then, but I was too busy fussing over my wet clothes to be sure. "Get dressed so that we can eat dinner."

The rest of the night passed pleasantly. As the night fell, we took turns identifying stars in the sky. Then, feeling sleepy, I pulled out my sleeping blankets and started to lay them down. I felt Atris' gaze upon me, and my instinct warned me of her predicament. "You didn't bring any sleeping blankets did you?" I said with one eyebrow raised.

She let out an exasperated sigh. "No, that would have been smart."

Luckily for her, I was feeling generous. "Here, come share mine. They are big enough for two." I lay down, then raised a corner of the top blanket so that she could get in beside me.

After hesitating for a few seconds, she asked tentatively, "Are you sure?"

"Don't worry, I won't bite. Besides I'm going to fall asleep in the next 5 minutes and nothing is going to bother me."

With a small sigh, Atris slipped in under the outstretched blanket and moved around to find a comfortable position. I think she said "goodnight Xi Lan" to me, but I was half asleep. I dreamt that night that someone held me close and when I woke up I half expected to see Malak and Revan lying beside me. Instead, I was alone in the blankets. I looked around and discovered that Atris was already cooking breakfast.

We ate in companionable silence and then sat for a while longer. Then, glancing shyly in my direction, Atris took off her clothes and dashed off towards the ledge. I soon joined her and we splashed around for a half hour or so. I think we both would have like to stay longer, but Atris had to get back in time for an afternoon meeting with some of the other Masters and I had a group to lead. So we packed up our things and made our way back to the Enclave. Just before we arrived, Atris turned around and gave me a quick hug. "Thank you," she said. "Thank you so very much. That was truly wonderful. I understand now why you went there so often with Malak and Revan." Then she strode off towards the Enclave while I stood there flabbergasted, wondering how much she knew about Revan, Malak, and I. I had never told anyone where we had gone on out trips. Maybe, I thought, it was an easy guess to make. Shrugging my shoulders, I followed her.

* * *

I was nineteen and a half years old when I passed the Knight tests and I had not seen Revan and Malak for more than two years. We still wrote each other regularly. In our letters, we started talking more and more about the Mandalorians. They were a warlike race that had started invading systems outside the Republic. So far, the Republic had done nothing about it, but everyone was starting to ask each other about whether or not the Mandalorians would invade the Republic. Many people believed that the Mandalorians wouldn't invade because the Republic was much larger than the growing Mandalorian empire. I was not so sure. In my moving meditations, I could feel that a shadow was growing and stretching over the Republic. I remembered my Qi-inspired words to Revan and I wondered if our destiny was approaching. 

I heard that some of the Padawans and Knights, and maybe even Master Zhar as well, requested that I be assigned permanently to Dantooine as an instructor. However, the Jedi Council decided to assign me to Master Kavar. My main duty would be to assist him in his teaching at the various academies around the Republic. While I felt bad to be leaving my groups, I was excited by the opportunity to see some more of the Republic, and to learn from Master Kavar.


	13. Chapter 12: Xi Lan’s haphazard adventure

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor do I want to terminate those that do.

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

* * *

**Chapter 12: Xi Lan's haphazard adventures (Xi Lan)**

_Two years have passed as a young Knight prepares herself for the battles to come_

I ran my fingers along the rough wood of the fence surrounding the practice arena. Master Kavar and I were on Kkakala III, a hot and humid planet from the Outer Rim and Dantooine. It was a place full of life and the Force. The native inhabitants of this planet lived their lives underground. Apparently, about ten thousand years ago this planet had been covered with cities and billions of people. Then there had been a war and the Lykonan people had almost been wiped out. Those that had survived the war had moved into the many caves that dotted the planet, where they had lived ever since. Even though the surface of the planet was not habitable and quite lush, the natives physiology had adjusted to living underground. They found the light too bright and the air too warm.

Fifty years ago, the Lykonan had been invited into the Republic, and they had accepted. Soon after, the Jedi had approached the planetary government to ask if they could use some of the land on the surface as a supply hub for the Jedi who worked in this region of space. The Lykonan had agreed and guided the Jedi to where I am today.

They had chosen well, I thought, bending down and letting my hands run over the short red grass that covered the area. This place thrummed with the Force like no other I had experienced. I could feel it flowing through my body like a wild stream rushing down a mountain. It was a good place to study because it was so much easier to get in touch with the Force here. Students learned more quickly, in part because they could try things here that they might not be able to accomplish somewhere else. Then, once they had managed to do it the first time, they were more likely to succeed in another place.

We were in a clearing on the north side of a tall mountain. To the north, the land descended steeply into a lush and untamed valley. A large river flowed by the site, about 15 minutes walk to the west. That river descended into the north valley through a series of waterfalls and ponds. There was a small pond about 20 minutes walk from here that I went to every day to wash away the sweat of the day's practice. Not far from there, there was a small, secluded meadow that you could only find if found a certain path. I had moved a few bushes so that the other people here wouldn't find it. I used that meadow every night for the moving meditations.

Tall trees ringed the area. These trees grew as high I could see, with trunks so large that it would take twenty people standing fingertip to fingertip to circle their circumference. They had a rough, deep red bark and yellow leaves with red veins. Far up in the leaves, there were colonies of some kind of flying animal. Each tree had one. These animals, which I think were called Ooktek by the local populace, loved to sing, especially in the evening. After I went swimming in the pond, I would lie beside the water and listen to the singing.

Masters from all over this region of space had come here to participate in lightsabre training with Master Kavar, along with their attendant Padawans or Knights. There were about 30 Masters who attended along with over 20 Knights and 30 Padawans of all ages and species.

I was responsible for training the Padawans and otherwise keeping them occupied while Master Kavar worked with the Masters. In the mornings, I worked with the Padawans doing much the same thing I had done with my groups back on Dantooine. Slow motion practice and bouts, stretching, and lots of footwork practice. Some of the Padawans had complained at first, as they always seem to do, but after a few weeks they started to believe in what I was teaching them.

In the afternoons, I offered extra classes one blaster defense, unarmed combat, and group combat. The group combat class was always full, but not many students came to the blaster defense or unarmed classes. I think a lot of them thought that it was unnecessary to improve these abilities. Most thought they were already pretty good at blocking blaster bolts and why practice unarmed combat when you have a lightsabre?

Me, I was fanatic about improving my blaster defense. I had even spent much of my free time the past two years improving my ability to modify sensor balls so that they would shoot little blasters at me for practice. Every night for the past year, I released these sensor balls one by one, to see how many of them I could hold off before I got hit. My record was fifteen, but I was hoping to get to twenty in a few months. After doing that for 30 minutes, I would ask one of the Padawans or Knights to spar with me while the sensor balls were circling to see how many I could hold off while fighting with blades. My best performance had been six balls. I needed to do better.

* * *

**Later that night**

"Why do you do this, Xi Lan?" Nith asked, extending his hand to me as I sat on the ground gasping for air. He had just hit me hard across the legs as I had been trying to dodge the shots from seven sensor balls. My left leg hurt, so I ignored his hand. Instead, I took a moment and drew the Force to me so that I could focus it on my leg. After a few moments, it felt a lot better. Nith's hand was still extended, so I grabbed it and he pulled me up.

Nith was one of two male Knights who served under Master Kae. He was about five years older than me and was a fine looking fellow for a Twilek. "So why do you work yourself so hard?" he persisted. "Except for Master Kavar and a few other Masters, you are easily the best fighter here. In fact, I doubt there is more than a twenty people in the entire galaxy right now who could beat you in fight."

"Don't you read the holovids, Nith? The Mandalorians have conquered twenty systems, many of them within reach of our border on the Outer Rim. Some of those planets were populated by races that were very proficient at war, yet the Mandalorians won easily against them." Seeing him shake his head slightly, I continued, "I know everyone thinks the Republic is too big to fall to them, but I think we are being overconfident. The Force tells me that something dangerous approaches." It was something I saw every night as I practiced my moving meditations. I could see shadows stretching across the universe, sickening its Qi patterns.

"You are being paranoid. We probably have five times as many warships as they have, and for every system that they have conquered, we have 50 systems within the Republic. And then there are the Jedi. We have over two thousand Jedi who could fight if need be. You know as well as I do how powerful a Jedi can be in battle. The Mandalorians, on the other hand, have no Jedi. I'm telling you, they wouldn't stand a chance if they invade. Even the Masters are telling us not to worry."

"You know it's not that simple. Read between the lines. Haven't you noticed that the Masters are spending more time huddled up in their private conversations? I tell you, they are worried about something."

"Then let them take care of it. That's what they are for. We are just humble Knights, although," he said, looking at me with a twinkle in his eye, "some of us are maybe too humble." I hit him in the shoulder at that. He grimaced and then put his arm around my shoulder. "So we should let the Masters do the heavy thinking. That's their job. Come on Xi Lan, why don't you come to the cantina. You haven't gone once since you got here and that was almost three weeks ago. Weldun and Treial will be there and we're buying. Why don't you join us?"

As I shrugged his arm off my shoulder, I thought about refusing like I always did. Then I thought, what the hell! I haven't spent any time in a cantina for six months. I don't _have_ to go to the pond tonight and I can always practice my moving meditations later in my room. "Okay," I said, brushing the dirt off my robes. Just let me get changed and I will join you."

I went to my room in the halls and took a quick sonic shower. I hadn't washed my robes for a week, so I only had two to choose from. One of them was the deep blue robe that Malak and Revan had given me, which I hadn't worn in over a year. It just seemed sad to wear it when they weren't around. I didn't really feel like I wanted to look good for anyone else. But what the hell, I told myself, let's go all out. I put it on, with the golden bird picture facing outwards, and left my room to go to the cantina.

I got a lot of looks as I walked through the compound and a few people called out compliments. "Where did you get that?" gushed Kooli. She was a female Cathar Knight who was studying under Master Dibanaa. She liked to keep up her appearances and I could tell that a few of the male Padawans and Knights were stricken with her, although they did their best to suppress it. "You must tell me so that I can get one ordered!"

"It was a gift from some friends. I don't know where they got it from."

"Oh _really_," she drawled. " Was it Malak or Revan? Or… maybe some other secret admirer?" One of the things that I had learned over the past two years is that we Jedi really enjoy a good scandal. Everywhere I went, people had heard rumours about the relationship between Revan, Malak, and I. They all seem eager to believe the worst. Of course, it didn't help that we had actually done the worst! And since I was supposed to have committed the great sin of loving, or at least bedding, one or both of the two most promising Jedi, some people seemed to think that maybe I was willing to spread my attentions around a little more.

Of course, not that all the male Jedi were hitting on me, far from it. Most Jedi sincerely believe in the Jedi Code, even if they are tempted by "loose" Jedi like myself or beautiful ones like Kooli. Everywhere I went, however, there was always one or maybe two who thought they would give it a try. So far, none had succeeded and that's the way I intended to keep it!

"It was both of them, if you must know," I sighed, and I could see her eyes lighting up with interest. I was starting to wonder I would regret wearing the robe.

"Hmm…. So where are you headed all dressed up?"

"I've going to the cantina to meet Nish and a few others."

"Oh _really_," she repeated herself. "Do you mind if I come to?" With that, she put her arm through mine and pulled me towards the cantina.

What could I say? "Sure."

* * *

When I arrived at the cantina, Nish walked quickly over and grabbed my arm. As he escorted me to his table, some of the Jedi at the other tables turned towards us. "Xi Lan," shouted one older female, "where did you get that robe?" After that, everyone had to come over to check it out. Suddenly, I found myself in a crowd of twenty or so Knights and Padawans. Kooli, with a merry twinkle in her eyes, was telling everyone who would listen, which was everybody, that I had gotten the robe as a gift from the renowned Knights Revan and Malak. I got a whole bunch of "knowing" looks after that, all of which I did my best to ignore. 

"So what are they like?" asked one young female Padawan whose name I couldn't remember. "I hear Malak is gorgeous!"

"Come on Lian," said another young Padawan. "there is a reason for the Jedi Code. Remember? There is no passion, there is peace." I think his name was Miguel or Mical. He was one of my most enthusiastic students and one of the few to attend the unarmed _and_ blaster defense classes.

"Okay, okay," Lian said, looking sour, "I know and I'm sure the Masters are right." Then, a little more dreamily, "I saw a holopicture of him once, after he had killed a Terentatek. He was stunning. Please," she rushed, "tell us what he's like in person. And what about Revan?"

Several of the other students chimed in, encouraging me to answer the question. Even Mical looked interested, despite the disgusted look he flashed at Lian. I could see that a lot of the other people in the cantina were looking in our direction too. I sighed and started to tell them a story about a duel between Malak and a very cocky Knight who had visited the Dantooine Academy when Malak was 17. That Knight had heard some students saying how good Malak was as a fighter, so he had challenged Malak to a bout thinking that he would show him up. Well, I recounted, in the first round Malak had him rolling on the ground clutching his stomach within five seconds.

Of course, someone then wanted to know what move Malak had used, so I gave a quick demonstration. It was a move I remembered well, for it had been the first time I had seen Malak fight and I had been impressed. "After that," I told them, "he proceeded to win the next five rounds in quick succession. I think the longest round was 30 seconds or so. And mind you, the Knight was a pretty good fighter. I heard that he had been the best Padawan fighter at Coruscant several years before. Against Malak though, he just didn't stand a chance."

"What about Revan?" asked one of the Padawans.

I spent the next hour telling stories about Revan and Malak, although I made sure not to tell them anything about the three of us. People were interested in them and it wasn't just because they had heard how strong they were as Jedi. Revan and Malak had excelled in their postings over the last four years and their reputation was growing among Jedi and non-Jedi alike.

A year and a half ago, Revan had negotiated a cease fire between two Republic worlds after several others, including Master Vash, had failed. Last year, he had foreseen another conflict before it had erupted. Based on his analysis, the Republic had been able to intervene before matters came to a head. For those achievements, the Republic had presented him with a fairly prestigious award and the Jedi Council had offered his Master and him the chance to choose which region they would work in next. In a letter to me about six months ago, Revan told me that he had worked hard to convince Master Vash that they should choose the Outer Rim region, next to where the Mandalorians were. "It wasn't easy," he said, "but after two days of my best arguments based on the lessons of several previous galactic wars, I managed to turn her around." That letter, which had arrived six months ago, was the last one I had received from him. I would have worried more about him, but I could feel a light touch of his presence in my mind, so I knew he was alright.

Malak was also developing an impressive reputation. Besides killing the Terentatek, Malak had saved a delegation of Republic emissaries from an ambush on a planet that had been entering a civil war. The story went that he had held off 20 attackers after the rest of the guards, including his Master had fallen. I knew from his letter that the actual number was 16, but I wasn't going to change the story! Holding off sixteen assailants at once is already very impressive! For that, Malak had received a commendation for bravery from the Republic.

"Yes," I finished, "Revan did make Malak his lightsabre. I've never seen it myself, but I hear it's a fearsome weapon." Clearing my throat, I started looking around to see if I could order a drink. However, Mical, whose name I remembered now, handed me a mug of ale. "Thank you," I said after drinking a few mouthfuls.

"I heard that Revan can…" started one of the other Padawans, but I held up my hand to forestall him. "I'm sorry, but it's getting late and I need to get to bed." I was surprised by how many people looked disappointed. Whether they knew it or not, Revan and Malak were gathering quite the following among the young Padawans and Knights. Given the troubles approaching, I thought to myself, this is a good thing.

"Before you go," Mical spoke up, "what about you, Xi Lan? What has been your biggest adventure?" He had that admiring look that I sometimes got from some of my students. Like on Dantooine, there always seemed to be a group of young Padawans and Knights in each place I went that seemed to look up to me. Some sought me out for extra training. Others wanted to talk about some problem or other they had. Some just seemed to want to hang around me. I didn't really understand it half the time.

I knew that I was gaining a bit of a reputation for being a good instructor and fighter, so I guess the extra training bit made sense. And yet, half of those students were older than I was, and more experienced. It wasn't like I was, well, Revan or Malak. I suppose I should be flattered, but sometimes I wish that I could have more time off for myself. I guess I found it difficult to turn them away too.

"Yes," Kooli said, "what was your _biggest_ adventure." Half the crowd laughed at that, while Mical looked first puzzled and then pissed off. I tried to look nonchalant, but I could feel my face flush a little. My thumbs starting reflexively stroking the mug.

"Honestly, Mical," and he straightened his shoulders when I said his name, "I really haven't had any great adventures like Revan and Malak. I just help Master Kavar teach. Not that I mind at all. Master Kavar is a great instructor and I've learned so much from him! But compared to Revan and Malak, I'm just a humble Jedi like the rest of you."

Many in the crowd nodded their heads at that, and started to drift back towards their own tables. Seeing my chance, I started to get up to leave the cantina, but Mical wasn't finished. "What about that incidence on Yondma Major? Please tell us about that."

I sighed and sat back down, considering Mical. I don't know how he had found out about Yondma Major. As far as I knew, it was supposed to be a secret. The only person I had told about it was Master Kavar and he had agreed to keep the incident quiet. As I sat there thinking, I realized that if I had just kept walking out the door I would have gotten away. Well, I thought, too late now. "What are you talking about?" I asked, trying not to fidget in my seat.

He looked a little embarrassed, so I think he knew that he had just revealed something that he should not have. However, he wasn't willing to back off. "I heard that you took out a band of slavers there," he said. "I heard you took on twenty of them and freed over 40 slaves."

Unfortunately, the crowd had returned. In fact, it was bigger than ever. I looked around and realized that everyone in the cantina had drifted over to listen. It's hard to lie when there are 30 or so Force sensitive people nearby, and even hard to escape. "That was nothing," I vacillated. "They weren't that many of them, most of them were clumsy or drunk, and I caught them by surprise. Anybody could have done it."

"Please tell us the story Xi Lan," Nith asked, and everyone else murmured in agreement. I realized that I wasn't going to be able to avoid this. So, after taking a few sips of the ale Mical had given me, I started telling them what had happened.

* * *

**Xi Lan's story**  
_"It was all blind luck, really. I found out about the slavery ring on Yondma Major entirely by mistake. Or maybe I should say that they found me. Master Kavar and I were on Yondma Major to get our hyperdrive fixed. It had started acting up on our trip, so we had stopped there._

_Well, there was nothing for me to do, so Master Kavar told me to take the day off._

As I continued telling the story, I remember our conversation on board the ship. "Since there are no students to teach," Master Kavar told me, "and you are progressing well on your studies with me, I suggest that you take the day off." I had protested that I still needed to practice. Master Kavar had insisted, however, and he had finally won the argument when he told me, quite forcefully I might add, that _he_ wanted a day off so I should get out of his hair.

_So I was walking around the town taking in the sights. It was a rough area, with a lot of hungry looking people and buildings that looked ready to collapse in on themselves. I was trying to find my way to the central market when a man stepped out in front of me. "Well, well, pretty lady," he said, "what brings you into my life? Why don't you join me for a drink?" _

_Now everyone here knows that people don't normally proposition Jedi like that, but of course I had decided that that day to walk around without my lightsabres or Jedi robes. You know how it is. Sometimes its nice to walk around without everyone deferring to you. So I was just wearing some plain clothes that I had bought for these occasions._

Most of my audience looked mildly shocked at this last idea, although I saw a few nod their heads.

_So anyway, this man tried to force me into the cantina. When he wouldn't take "no" for an answer, I knocked him down._

I remembered trying to dissuade him. "I think I will pass," I had said and I had tried to walk around him. I probably should have just made him get out of the way, but mental manipulation is not one of my strong skills. Besides, it just didn't occur to me that he would make a lot of trouble. But I was wrong. He had grabbed my shoulder then and started pulling me towards the dark shadows of the dirty cantina he had been sitting in. I pulled back and knocked his arm off my shoulder. "I'm not going in there," I had insisted. So of course, he pulls out a knife and puts his hand back on my shoulder. "Oh, I think you are. Now get going!"

So I hit him a couple of times in the area he had exposed when he put his arm on my shoulders. Then when his arm came down to protect his middle, I hit him twice right on the nose so that it broke. He tried to poke me with the knife then, but I dodged that and broke his arm for his efforts. Then I had kneed him in the groin just to be sure.

_That might have been the end of it, but two young girls dashed out of the cantina and started running down the road. Before they could get very far, four rough looking men ran out of a nearby building to chase after them. I was about to go see whether those girls needed help when I noticed that another four men had come out of the same building and they were coming towards me._

_I saw out that the other four men had almost caught the two girls, so I figured it wouldn't be long before there was eight thugs around me. So I figured I had better settle these four before the other four got back. Luckily for me, they had rushed out without any weapons at all, so I was able to disable them all before the other four thugs got back._

I had surprised the four thugs by walking confidently towards them. I guess they are more used to people running away. The human started to speak "That was a foolish…" but I wasn't going to wait around, so I leaped forward and hit him in the knee with my foot so that it broke. I turned to face the other three, who were a little stunned by my quick attack. I took advantage of that by poking the Rodian in his eyes and then striking his throat. It wasn't enough to kill him but it took him out for a while.

The two Aqualish tried to hit me then but I stepped back so that the two blows went by my face. I grabbed one of the arms by the wrist and elbow and used that plus the Aqualish's momentum to push him into his compatriot. As the two struggled to disentangle themselves, I broke the arm I was still holding and one of his knees just to be safe. The last Aqualish started backing away, but I could hear his fellows running towards me, so I _pulled _him so that he stumbled towards me. As his arms came up for balance, I ducked under and hit him a couple of times under his right armpit. There's a nerve point there for Aqualish that knocks them unconscious so that was it for him for a while. Behind me I heard one of the thugs shout, "It's a Jedi!"

_I was just turning towards the other four thugs when my instincts told me that someone was aiming a blaster at me. I dived to the side and then jumped up onto the roof of the thug's building where the blaster shot had come from. Luckily, the shooter was a Gamorrean. So before he could turn around to point the gun at me, I Force pushed him over the edge of the roof._

_I started looking for an escape route but then this little girl came over and grabbed me. She couldn't have been more than 10 years old and I can tell she has had a hard life. "You have to help us! They're keeping us here as slaves. Please don't leave, they're horrible!" And so I had to do something, didn't I? I told the girl to stay on the roof and quickly asked her what the layout of the building was. It wasn't long before I heard feet pounding up the stairs onto the roof, so I ducked behind the door of the entrance. I smashed the door into the first person who tried to come through and I heard him and a few other people falling back down the stairs. That he fell down the stairs and took four or five of his buddies was a great piece of luck! So was the fact that he had dropped their vibrosword._

_So I picked up that sword and then ran over to the edge of the roof. Looking down, I saw that there were no thugs on the street, so I jumped down. Right there, just as the girls had told me, there was an open window. After making sure the room was empty, I jumped into room. I sensed that there were two thugs in the next room, so I ran in and surprised them. They were close together and quite intoxicated, so it was easy to dispatch them. I then ran into the next room, which I sensed was empty, and found a hiding place in the closet. Two minutes later, two Twileks rush into the room. They turned the other way so I jumped out and took them out from behind. To make a long story short, I did this a couple more times before they got wise to what I was doing and started traveling in one big group._

_Now, the girls had told me about this one room which had a really weak ceiling above it. So, once they started searching for me as a big group, I made my way to it. Sure enough, a minute or two later they all start pouring into the room. I ran out the other door and then, when they were all in the room, I Force pulled the roof so that it fell onto their heads. And that was that. I released the slaves who were downstairs and we made our way back to our ship._

_As you can see, most of this was either luck or plain stupidity on the part of the thugs. Now Revan would have just frozen them all into place, and Malak would have had them running so fast, they would have been half way around the planet before they realized that he had stopped chasing them and had settled down for an ale at the local cantina._

A lot of the audience laughed at this last comparison. "Really," I finished, "it was just a fortunate convergence of my good luck and their stupidity. Probably anyone here could have handled that more elegantly and effectively."

"How many were in that last big group?" asked Mical.

"I think there were ten or so," I said, then cursed under my breath as I realized where he was going with the question. Why, I asked myself, doesn't our Force sensitivity work on times like this?

"So let's see then," Mical said, with his fingers extended to count, "there was one at the cantina, then four, then one Gamorrean. Then three groups of... two was it?"

"More or less." I mumbled, my face flushed because I knew where this was going.

"So that makes twelve plus those last ten means twenty-two! Plus, you didn't have your lightsabre at all. That's very impressive!"

"It gets worse, Mical," and I could feel my body trying to sink into the chair as I recognized whose voice it was. "Did she tell you the part," Master Kavar said, "about how she demanded that we give each of the slaves enough money to survive on for a month? Or how she made her Master spend the next week with her searching for and rescuing all the other slaves in the area? Or how she still diverts her wages to those who haven't yet found work? Or how she wrote Revan and Malak to convince them to do send some money as well?"

Master Kavar's smile got bigger with each embarrassing revelation. I kept my eyes down and desperately tried to stop my cheeks from getting any redder. It felt like everybody's eyes were boring into my skull. "So I think," Master Kavar continued, "that someone here should buy Xi Lan a glass of real fine wine, because I don't think she is going to live down this day for a long, long while."

He probably would have been right, but the next day no one was thinking about Xi Lan's haphazard adventures. Bigger news came in on the holovids that morning. The Mandalorians had just invaded Republican space and taken their first world.


	14. Chapter 13: The war begins

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor do I want to terminate those that do.

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

**Selfless promotion**: please read the new Prologue and much less ponderous Chapter 1. It will be better for your health.

* * *

**Chapter 13: The War Begins (Revan)**

_In which Revan and Malak plant some seeds.._

**

* * *

Excerpt from Revan's interview with Galactic One News (On the day of his meeting with the Jedi Council)**

_How can I describe the horror of what I saw on Serroco? Millions of people killed, cities leveled, pieces of buildings and people scattered together on a tapestry of devastation. Fires raging out of control. People dying when no one will help them for fear of the roving patrols of Mandalorians. Half-starved people working on rebuilding military facilities on conquered worlds as farms, forests, homes, and other vital industries are left unattended. Smoke everywhere. Rage, arrogance, despair, fear, and other base emotions without restraint, without end. A miasma of suffering that pollutes you no matter how many times you wash yourself. They are polluting the Force on every planet they conquer._

_There seems to be only three purposes to the Mandalorians conquest. One, to build more and more ships and other machines of war to crush us. Two, to collect as many slaves as they can to accomplish the first purpose. Three, to make our people suffer as much as they without interfering with the first purpose. _

_There is no reasoning with them. There is no negotiating with them. There is no way to stop this horror unless we fight back!_

**

* * *

Dxun**

Malak and I had been sent as part of a delegation under Master Vash to the Mandalorians from the Republic and Jedi Council. Our charge was to establish contact with the Mandalorians and to see what avenues there might be for peace. The Mandalorians had seized 15 systems in the Republic over the past six months, catching us completely unprepared. They had already destroyed half the Republic fleet and the rest was demoralized and in retreat. The Senate was panicking, calling desperately on the Jedi Order to do something, but the Jedi Council kept counseling everyone to wait.

It's hard to initiate diplomacy when all contact has to go through one person, in this case the Mandalore. It's even harder when the leader in question will not see you, will not talk with you, and otherwise treats you with contempt. After a month of trying, it was obvious to me that the Mandalore was not going to negotiate with us until he had to. Master Vash wanted to keep trying, and she asked me to stay with her. I tried to be patient. And we lost more ships. I told myself to trust in the wisdom of the Jedi Council. And more people died. I tried desperately to find a way to the Mandalore. And more planets burned.

Finally, when Serroco fell I told Master Vash that I had to speak to the Jedi Council to tell them what was going on out here. I knew we had to act! She tried ordering me to stay, saying that she was in contact with them every week. I replied that they had to see what was being done here first hand and that I would show them through the Force when I got there.

I just couldn't believe that they really understood what was going on, because if they did then why were they letting this horror continue unsought? So I left Master Vash and made my way to Coruscant on the fastest ship I could find. No one tried to stop Malak when he accompanied me.

**

* * *

Excerpt from Revan's interview with Galactic One News (On the day of his meeting with the Jedi Council)**

_I have spent each waking moment of the past year reading about and observing the Mandalorians. I have studied them through the Force and with my eyes. And what I will tell you now, and what I have written in my report, which by the way is readily available on the holonet, is that the Mandalorians will _**never **_agree to peace until they are defeated. They have to be defeated badly. They have to be overwhelmed. They have to believe that there is no more honour in continuing the fight, only humiliation. _

_And right now, the likelihood of such a defeat is almost zero! They are winning despite our greater numbers in ships and soldiers. They are winning because their strategy is better, because their tactics are better, and because their people have been trained to fight since they were born. _

_There is only one way to stop this massacre, this desecration from continuing. The Jedi must defend the Republic. Only the Jedi can lift the morale of our troops right now. Only the Jedi can stop the tide. _

_Every soldier and every citizen I meet now on the front asks me, "Where are the Jedi? Why are they not defending the Republic?" And I don't have an answer for them, because the Jedi Council has not told us. _

**

* * *

Jedi Temple, Coruscant**

We arrived at Coruscant in record time. I am sure that the Jedi Council already knew that we were coming, but no one met us at the star port. Malak and I had to find some paid transport that brought us to the Jedi Temple.

We had never been in the Jedi Temple before. It was stunningly beautiful. The ceilings of each room and corridor stretched almost beyond the ability of the eye to see. Windows, and probably mirrors too, had been artfully places so that every part of the temple was well lit. I heard laughter and the excited chatter of young students echo through the halls as I walked them. Before, I would have loved to walked everywhere, to discover all the interesting nooks and cranny of this place. But not now.

And then there were the fountains. Hearing the running water and feeling their spray brought my mind to Xi Lan. Where was she, I wondered. I had not written her in some time for I had been too busy. I could still feel her, though, a small whisper of mystery that circled my heart like a small sliver of a moon on a clear black night. I will find time to write, I promised myself, before I leave here.

I grabbed the first Padawan I saw, and asked him to take me to whichever of the Council members was free at the moment. The Padawan, a young boy of fourteen or so, looked at me, and then at Malak. His eyes went big and round eyes and he said, "You are Revan and Malak! I'm so pleased to meet you, we've heard all about you in the holovids!"

"I am pleased to meet you Padawan…?"

"Dek, sir."

"Padawan Dek, could you please take me to a Council member." And when he hesitated, "Now if you please."

The boy led me to Master Lix, a middle aged human with dark hair, darker skin, and eyes that judged me wanting from the moment I entered the room. "Please sit Revan, Malak. I will have some tea brought."

"Thank you, Master Lix." An uncomfortable silence settled on us. I would have waited longer, but Malak intervened despite his promise not to.

"You know why we are here!" he blurted as I winced inside.

"Yes… and did you expect to just barge in and get an audience with the Jedi Council? Did you think that we would throw open our arms for two Knights who have abandoned their posts and their Masters? Really, what did you expect?"

Putting my hand on Malak's shoulder to forestall any more outbursts, I said, "We have vital information for the Jedi Council, information important enough for us to have taken these actions. I formally ask to speak before the entire Council. Will you hear us?"

"Perhaps, but not today. Padawan Wilat," he gestured at the person who had just entered, "will take you to your rooms. I will have your tea delivered there along with some light snacks. You are free to explore the surroundings while we consider your case. That will be all."

As I left the room, I allowed a small smile to play across my lips. Luckily for me, and not so lucky for the Council, I had a plan. I had known that my chances of addressing the Council were slim. That is, of course, unless I got their attention. "Where do people usually gather in the Temple, Padawan Wilat?"

* * *

"Please tell us what is happening on the front," said a young Sullastan Padawan. 

"I'm sorry," I said a little loudly, "did you say you wanted to know about the Mandalorians?" Sure enough, some of the other Padawans in the courtyard heard me and started to wander over. I was counting on their curiosity.

"Yes please. You are Revan are you not? You have seen what is happening out there. We get very little news here, even in the centre of the Empire. Jon here," he said indicating an older human Padawan who had joined us, "thinks that this silence means that the war is going badly."

"Jon is absolutely right." From there, I launched into the most dramatic description I could muster of the horrors I had seen. It was a story I had already told four times this morning, and I intended to tell it as often as I could. Somewhere else in the Temple, Malak was telling his own version to another group of Knights and Padawans. I thought to myself that soon everyone but the Masters would have heard the news.

By the next day, the whole Temple was abuzz with talk of the war, and many Padawans and Knights were starting to question why the Jedi Order was not joining the war. The crowds around Malak and I grew bigger as everyone wanted to hear first hand what we had seen. I even brought pictures that day, and passed them around to any who would have them.

At one point, I saw a few young Knights approach one of the Masters, who quickly waved them aside. That was stupid, I thought to myself. Now they will start asking themselves what you are hiding.

By our third day there, the Council had realized what I was doing. I was carving the foundations out from under their feet and if they didn't do something to stop me, I would have the whole Temple in an uproar. Heck, I thought, the whole Temple already is in an uproar! Padawans and Knights are trained from day one to believe that we are the defenders of the galaxy. To stay back and not fight went against the instincts of every Jedi everywhere.

The Council agreed to hear our plea that afternoon.

* * *

On my first day in the temple, I had distributed written copies of a report, including pictures, to each of the Jedi Council members detailing what I had seen and learned. When I heard that the Council had agreed to see me, I stopped by each and every office again to ask whether or not they needed another copy. If they didn't read my report, it wouldn't be for lack of effort on my part. 

That afternoon, I gave what I still think was my best, most passionate speech ever. Unfortunately, it fell on deaf ears.

"There are things going on here," said Master K'poa, head of the Council, "which we do not think you understand. If we enter this war and meet aggression with aggression, we may do no more than add fuel to the fire. When Jedi go to war, echoes are sent through the Force. Sometimes those echoes come from the suffering of Jedi, whose sensitivities make them especially vulnerable to the horrors of war. Sometimes, it is the misapplication of power that rends events and sends waves of destruction through the universe. Entering war is not something to be considered lightly."

"I never said it was, Master."

Looking slightly miffed that I had spoken, Master K'poa continued. "In addition, there are many of us who feel that this is a trap. Why are the Mandalorians being so brutal and why do they allow us to see what they are doing? What dark purpose might we be serving if we enter the war?" He sat back then, as if he had settled the matter.

"I agree, Master, but it is too **_late_**." I let that hang in the room and I could see that some of the Council members were taken aback. Good, I thought, I have broken through a bit.

"What do you mean?" asked another Master, a Twilek by the name of Loopso.

"I agree with you wholeheartedly that this war is a trap. The problem is simply this. The trap has **_already_** been sprung. We have been outwitted. We have been outplanned and so, we do not have a choice."

"There is always choice," said Loopso automatically.

"If we fail to go to war now," I said, my voice pitched to fill the chamber, the Republic will fall and the Mandalorians will take over. If they win, they will turn the entire Republic into a camp of war so that they can conquer more territories. And that cycle will continue until there is nothing left for them to conquer. The peace that Jedi have protected for centuries to preserve will be cast aside as every citizen in the Republic will be harnessed, as soldiers or labour, for conquest. I have shown you this in my report." I took a deep breath, creating a pause so that what they would think about what I had said.

As I did so, I thanked Master Ay-Tray in my head for her help in producing the report. She had been my first guide on Dantooine, fueling my love for and knowledge of Jedi History. Unlike most other Masters, she supported my conclusions. She could not support me openly, she told me with great regret, but she could help me prepare for the meeting. Her help had been invaluable.

"Yes, war is a terrible thing," I continued. "Yes, there is a trop lying there. But if we do not go to war today, then we will be conquered. I know this. If we are conquered, than we will be at war until the Mandalorians have nowhere else in the galaxy to conquer. And when that happens, they will grow **_bored_**. And when that happens, they will turn on each other for no other reason that the challenge of it. And then we will descend into war a **_third_** time." Here I paused, and looked each Council member in the eyes. "Let me repeat that. If we do not act now there will be **_three_** wars, not one. We **_will_** be conquered. We **_will_** conquer others. And then we **_will_** burn as civil war engulfs us."

Then I paused again, waiting until I thought the room would burst with the silence. "Yes, there is a trap there but we have already fallen into it. Now, we must make the best of it. Now, we must find a way to make it ours and draw our opponent into the light. There is no other option."

They questioned me for hours, probing all the reasoning and information I had used to reach my conclusions. Those reasons were not always easy to give, for some of them had came from my Force instincts rather than factual information. Still, most of my logic was supported by the data Master Ay-Tray and I had collected on Mandalorian culture and history.

I could see that three or four in the Council had started to look uncertain. Of the others, most were hard to read although I could tell that two or three had probably already made up their minds against me. It was not the results I had hoped for, but it was better than before. Today, I had sown seeds of doubt. Now I would have to see if they would grow.

"We have heard enough, Revan. Thank you for your words. We will consider them.," said Master K'poa and I was dismissed. As I made my way out of the Council chambers, I could feel their eyes tracking me, wondering about this young Knight who had so boldly disrupted their placid contemplation. Like one Malak's cannonballs in our pond on Dantooine, I laughed to myself, the ripples will be felt for a long time to come.

Perhaps they disliked me for the news that I brought. Perhaps they were fools, I thought darkly, although I suppressed it quickly. I tried to tell myself that their inaction came because they had not seen what I had seen, and so it was difficult for them to understand what was happening on the ground to real people. I didn't really believe it though.

The next day, three Knights arrived with a written order from Master K'poa. That letter directed me to follow the Knights to a ship that would take me back to my assignment with Master Vash. The Knights looked embarrassed when I looked up from the letter. I turned around, to where Malak was hastily finishing his breakfast. He smiled, I smiled back. If the Council would not go to war, we would go in their stead.

**

* * *

Excerpt from Revan's interview with Galactic One News (On the day of his meeting with the Jedi Council)**

_Malak and I have talked with the Jedi Council, but they will not listen. We do not know why. We Jedi have this gift so that we can help others, yet the Jedi Order sits on its hands while the Republic burns._

_I can stand by no longer. With the deepest regret, I tell you now that Malak and I are leaving the Jedi Order. We are leaving them today so that we can join the Republic fleet. _

_Now, I call on every Jedi to look into their heart, to look into the Force. And I call them to join me in defending the Republic!_

_This is not about obedience to the Order, this is about our _**duty**_ to defend the Republic! This is not about glory or honour, this is about our _**duty **_to protect life! My fellow Jedi, make your choice! _

_I know I will see many of you soon._


	15. Chapter 14: A turbulent reunion

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor will I terminate the meatbags that do. Today.

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

**Reluctant gratitude**: thank you for the wonderful reviews so far.

**Insincere apology**: this is a long chapter, perhaps too much for your squishy brain. I am _so sorry._

* * *

**Chapter 14: A turbulent reunion--13 months after the invasion (Xi Lan)**

_A battle is lost but hope flickers brighter._

Joining the war was harder than I thought it would be.

I had wondered if I should slip out unnoticed, but that would have been a poor parting from a respected Master and a dear friend. So I had come to his room, with my pack in one hand, and a small package in the other. I stood here, my eyes red, my body trapped between flight and flinging itself forward for comfort.

"I know how much it has cost you to stay for so long, Xi Lan," Master Kavar said, "and I thank you."

I felt the tears I had tried to contain start to spill like water overtopping a dam. It tore me up to have to leave Master Kavar, but every day that I stayed I became more like brittle glass waiting for a stone to shatter it. And then last night, I had heard it, a whisper of promised reunion and the tug of a duty that would wait no longer.

"I…I have to go," I whispered. I opened my mouth to explain why, although I'm not sure if I could have found the words, but Master raised his hand, forestalling me.

"I know Xi Lan," and then he was there, pulled me into a fierce hug. I hung on, clinging desperately to the familiar comfort of a safe life one last time. We stood there for a while, in silence, until he gave me one last squeeze and stepped back. He pulled a book out of his robe then, and held it out to me. "In here is everything that I know about war. Not fighting, which you can do as well as I can now. This is about guerrilla tactics, morale, espionage, logistics and supply. It covers all that I have learned in the battles and wars in which I fought so many years ago. I want you to have it."

I reached out tentatively with my left hand, for I had dropped my bag when he had hugged me, and laid my fingers gently on the surface of the book. "This is new," I said, shocked. "This is what you have been doing all these nights!" And then, as understanding dawned, "You knew! You have known for months that I would leave!"

He only nodded as I stared at him, his eyes sad yet not judging. Shaking my head slowly, I let out a deep breath, then I took the book. "Thank you. I am honoured." Not knowing what else to say, I held out my package to him.

He unwrapped it to reveal a small crystal. I had found it many months ago on Kkakala III. The Force flowed strongly through this crystal, but it was not for a lightsabre. Instead, its gift was simply to comfort. Anyone sensitive to the Force who held this crystal would feel a gentle warmth flowing cover their body like a favoured blanket, soothing the aches and pains of the day away. As his hands touched the crystal, I could see a small smile touch his mouth, though the sadness remained in his eyes.

"Thank you." Then his countenance grew grim. "You know what I have to say and I know it will not stop you." I nodded my head. "If you leave now," he said, his voice now formal and distant, "you leave the Jedi Order. If you come back, the Jedi Council will judge you for these actions today and those that follow. It is likely that you will be punished. You may be exiled or worse. Do you understand?"

"Yes," I said quietly.

"Then may the Force be with you. Use all that you have learned, Xi Lan, but never forget to keep your humanity. It is the only thing that will save you from what will come. War is a terrible thing, especially for Jedi. It will wear heavily on you, I fear. You have a unique ability to connect with others, one that we do not understand. It may be your doom, for when others fall, you will feel it." He paused, and then this calm, gentle man spoke with more fervor than I had ever seen. "You **_must_** maintain your humanity at all costs. It is a priceless gift. That is all I ask of you."

And then he pulled me again into his arms for one last hug. And then, the moment had come.

"I will come back Master Kavar, one day, to face the judgement of the Jedi Council. I will not promise, however," I said, with the ghost of a smile on my lips, "to apologize for my actions."

He nodded once again and I left, the grief and understanding in his eyes burned into my brain for all time.

* * *

**Aboard the Republic vessel _Seltano_ (Revan)**

"I respect your opinion, Admiral, General," I said, "but the troops are not ready yet. Give us one more month. In one more month, there will be many more Jedi here and the new enlisted men will be better prepared. If we fight now, we will lose. We must abandon our defense of Dagary Minor."

"Look young man. I appreciate what you have done for us, make no mistake about it. But the new enlisted men have already been trained enough. I'm not leaving that planet behind, damnit!" the General said, his first slamming into his hand. The Admiral nodded his head in agreement.

"I understand, sir, but…" I stopped because Malak had laid a hand in my arm. We all turned towards him. "What…" I started to say, but he put his hand up.

"Listen."

So I reached out with my Force senses, but I found nothing… and yet there was something. Then I realized that a light circling my heart was growing stronger. A smile blossomed on my face, one that Malak shared.

"Are you mocking me, young Jedi?" said the General, his arms crossed and face flushed.

"No sir, I apologize. We just found out that a friend will be coming soon." Taking a deep breath, I let the smile fade even as I clung to its memory. "As I was saying, I am concerned that…"

I did not win that argument, but I would not lose many more.

* * *

**Dagary Minor (Xi Lan)**

I knew he was there when I stepped off the shuttle. I looked around and he was easy to find, his bald head towering over all near him. "Malak!" I cried, running towards him with my bag bouncing behind me. I jumped into his opened arms, my legs and arms wrapping around him and we fell, by mistake I think, onto the dirt. I laughed, I cried, and I squeezed him as hard as I could. Then I sat up and punched him hard on one shoulder. "Why did you stop writing! I haven't heard from either of you in almost a year!" I shouted, hitting him again. He lifted his hands as if to defend himself, and I swept them away so that I could hug him again.

"Xi Lan, can I get up now," he asked me plaintively, and I realized that everyone was watching, some surreptitiously and others with open amusement on their faces. I was feeling carefree, untouched my usual shyness, so I gave them all a playful bow as I stood up. "Where's Revan?" I asked. I could feel that he was here.

"He's in the command tent, trying to make the best of this debacle of a defense."

I looked around and understood what he meant. It was not that I knew much about battle. Not yet anyway, although I had frantically read Master Kavar's book twice on the way here. It was just that I didn't need that kind of knowledge to **_see_** that the troops here were scared and… lacking the cohesiveness that makes a squad or army fight well. "New recruits?" I asked.

"With all the losses that the Republic has taken, almost all the soldiers these days are new. Come, let's see Revan."

I followed Malak through the camp towards a big tent in the centre. Everyone's eyes followed Malak as he walked past. Malak commanded respect, I could see. Many looked at me, then quickly dismissed me as unimportant. I did not look like much of a warrior, especially compared to Malak.

As we walked, Malak explained to me that Revan was in charge of the units here. Their charge, he said, was to defend the newly installed planetary shield generators. These shields were all that could stop the Mandalorian fleet from bombarding the planet into submission if the Republic fleet above lost the battle.

A couple of Republican Guards waved us through the door and I immediately started looking for Revan. At first, I couldn't see where he was, but I could feel that he was…_there_. I pushed my bag into Malak's arms, and if I had looked I would have seen that he smiled tolerantly, and walked quickly to where a number of old and young men argued around a table. Sure enough, behind two tired-looking veterans, I saw Revan. He was listening to one of the older men describe possible ambush sites, but then slowly, his eyes turned towards me. "Xi Lan," he said, his voice quiet even as his eyes shouted their welcome to me. "You are here," he said, putting his hands on my arms as if to assure himself that I was real. Suddenly he lifted me off my feet and twirled me around.

"Did I not say that I would come?" I said, lifting my fingers to his cheek. I saw… bright, terrible power and shadows. I shuddered, but I shook it off. "I'm so glad to see you, but we should talk later. Now, what can I do?"

I saw his disappointment, and I know it was mirrored in my eyes, but we had a battle to fight and we both knew it.

"I need you to look over our soldiers here and see what additional training they need. The Mandalorians will be here within a few days. I trust your judgement." After I nodded my head, he turned back to the men around the table.

"Jon," he said, indicating a young Jedi Knight who stood up quickly from the table, "I want you to gather all the Jedi in the camp right now and bring them to the second practice field. Nalam," he continued, turning to one of the older Republic soldiers on the other side of the table, "Please ask the same of your sergeants." He paused, looking them both carefully in the eyes. "All of you will train under Xi Lan." Both men glanced at me in surprise, but Revan raised his hand before they could ask their questions. "Xi Lan here is one of the best trainers that the Jedi have. I know she doesn't look the part, but if anyone can train these soldiers into competent fighters, it is her."

"Are you sure?" asked Nalam, his eyes appraising me and I think finding me wanting.

"Yes."

Although still clearly unsure about me, Jon and Nalam bowed quickly to Revan and then left the tent.

"Follow me," said Malak, taking my arm, "I think we have enough time to show you your accommodations and get you something to drink."

* * *

We met with the Jedi and the Republican officers. There were 10 Jedi Knights. I recognized two of them, Tebbo and Yusara, from Dantooine and I quickly walked over to give them a hug. "We are glad you have come, Xi Lan." said Tebbo, "We need you here." Yusara nodded, her eyes warm despite the hint of pain I saw behind them. 

Instinctively, I reached out, touching a Qi-point on her forehead between her eyes with my fingertip. Her eyes looked startled for a second, but then she smiled brightly. "Thank you, that's better." I felt myself come back with a snap from a vision of light patterns, and gave her a tentative smile. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I had done nothing.

Turning to the other Jedi, I asked them politely to wait a moment. Then, I turned towards the Republican officers. Some of them were older and I could see the past defeats etched in their face. Others were young, some brash and others trying not to show their fear. "I am Xi Lan, a Jedi Knight from Dantooine," I told them, projecting my best calm face even as my stomach fluttered inside. It always did when I first met new trainees. "Revan has asked that I help you with training your men. I have been training Jedi for four years now on a number of advanced fighting techniques, including group combat." Bowing to them, I continued, "Please forgive me, but I would like to skip the introductions now for I understand that we have very little time. I would like to meet you all later at a place of your convenience. For now though, I would like to see your best squad in action, so that I can know more about what I can add to your training."

"If anything," muttered one of the older human officers.

"I think Sergeant Ithyl's group would be the most capable squad among us right now," Nalam said, indicating the sergeant who had just spoken.

"Please arrange for your squad to come here," I said calmly to Officers Ithyl.

After Sergeant Ithyl left to get his men, I turned to Nalam. "Can you get for me a datapad with information on Mandalorian armour and shields? I'm ashamed to say that I was not able to find that information."

"We don't have that information," Nalam said, his face hard as if daring me to criticize him.

I just nodded, although inwardly I winced. No wonder, I thought, that we are losing! "We will have to work on getting that information then."

Turning to the other officers, I continued, projecting my voice a little, "I understand that you do not know me and must be wondering why I'm supposed to be training you. Are there any questions that I can answer to allay your uncertainties."

"Can you fight?" Sergeant Ithyl asked, leading a group of twenty men into the ring. He must have had his men ready, I thought approvingly.

"Shall we find out? Tebbo, Yusara, if you please."

We quickly cleared the practice field, the remaining officers and Jedi moving to the perimeter of the field. In the field, Tebbo, Yusara, and I faced Sergeant Ithyl's squad. "I understand that these are not field conditions," I said to Nalam and Sergeant Ithyl, "but this is the best we can do in such a short time. Both teams will start at opposite ends of the field. Our team will not use any Force powers and, for now, your team will just use swords." Sergeant Ithyl drew breath to speak, but I continued, "We can work with blasters but for now the purpose is to see how your men fight as a team. Any questions?"

Sergeant Ithyl shook his head, his face smirking.

Sergeant Ithyl's squad members were individually well trained, but they did not fight well as a team, except for one group of four, hardened-looking soldiers. Tebbo, Yusara, and I, on the other hand had practiced often together and we fought seamlessly. We lost Tebbo about half way through the match when that group of four managed to separate him from Yusara and I, but most of Ithyl's group fell quickly. After about six minutes, I dispatched the last of the group of four. As I paused to catch my breath, I heard dead silence around the ring. Sergeant Ithyl, who had fought well until I had knocked him down in the middle of the bout, got up and started brushing his uniform. His eyes glittered when he first looked at me, but then he took a deep breath and surveyed his men as they cleaned themselves off. He grunted, then looked at me again, doubt still in his eyes, "But you are Jedi."

"You all know me," Jon said, moving into the centre of the field. "Allow me to say a few things. First, I do not know Xi Lan. However, from my experience as a Jedi, I would have to say that their performance today was exceptional. Other groups of us could have done as well, but not without using the Force." The other Jedi nodded their heads as well. "Second, Tebbo and Yusara informed me just before the bout that they had been trained by Xi Lan. As you know, they are two of the twenty Knights that we Jedi selected as trainers for our own group. Three, according to Tebbo and Yusara, of the other eighteen that we selected as trainers, six have received training under Xi Lan and four others have studied under Master Kavar, who is Xi Lan's master and probably the premiere instructor among the Jedi." Then, turning towards me, Jon bowed, "Four, we will be honoured to accept whatever training you can give us, Xi Lan."

As Jon talked, I resisted as always the urge to fidget. "Thank you," I said, bowing back. Then I turned my gaze to Nalam, Ithyl, and the rest of the Republican officers.

"What would you have us do?" asked Ithyl grudgingly.

"We have very little time, so there is only one thing we can work on, teamwork. I would like to plan with you all a series of exercises for your teams to improve their teamwork. I would also like these four," I said, pointing to the four veterans who had fought well together, "to work with me on another project. We need to get some Mandalorian armour, so that we can teach our troops to fight more effectively against it. Can you all meet me at my tent in fifteen minutes?" When they all nodded, I looked for Yusara and Tebbo. They were back among the Jedi, so I walked over there with Jon.

"Yusara and Tebbo, can I speak to you for a few minutes. Jon, would you like to join us?" We gathered by ourselves to one side. "We need to get a few samples of Mandalorian armour so that we can dissect its weak points. I am thinking of leading a raid to get some when the Mandalorians land. We need to do this with a team small enough that we don't detract from the defense. I think I have an idea and I need two Jedi who are fight well together. And no, I do not want you two. you are needed to lead the other Jedi during the defense. So who do you suggest?"

Looking a little miffed, Tebbo pointed to two Jedi who were joking together. "Aileen and Lakiva are a good team. They were among the first to come and they have already fought in several engagements." As we walked over to them, I studied the pair. Aileen was a human female Knight, dressed in nondescript clothing that belied the lightsabre that hung on her hip. Lakiva was the only Rodian Jedi I had ever seen. He was still dressed in Jedi robes, although they were an unusual red colour. They seemed very comfortable together and my senses told me of the connections between them. "Aileen, Lakiva, allow me to introduce Xi Lan," Tebbo said.

"We are pleased to meet you," said Lakiva ducking his head. "We have heard that Master Kavar had a new apprentice recently. He only takes those who are exceptionally skilled, so we look forward to whatever you can teach us."

"Actually, I have another idea in mind for which I will require your assistance. I would need you to join with a small team of Republican soldiers and myself on what will probably be a very dangerous mission. In a nutshell, we need to obtain a few intact samples of Mandalorian armour. If you are interested, I would ask that you come to my tent in two hours to discuss possible plans."

"We will be there," said Aileen, looking at her partner. Lakiva gazed back at her without expression, and then he nodded as well.

"Good," I said, bowing once again. "I will see you then."

* * *

**Dagary Minor (Revan)**

I was not completely satisfied with the defense plans we made that morning, but then again, if it had been my choice, we would have fled this planet. Still, I thought to myself, we had a plan that would allow us to put up the best defense we could with these inexperienced soldiers, and we have some good escape plans for when we have to retreat. Overall, the plans were as good as they could be.

I had a few minutes of free time now before I would have to talk with the Jedi about their role, so I decided to see what Xi Lan was doing. With some help from a Republican ensign, I found her talking to the juniour Republican officers just outside her tent. I saw that she was busy, so I hung back and observed. I could feel that the Republican officers were still hesitant about accepting advice from a young, woman Jedi who did not have the same presence of Malak and I, but I could also see a few of them nodding their heads. They seemed to be discussing some group exercises that each squad would do over the next couple of days. I was about to leave, when I saw Xi Lan start to look around, as if she had sensed something. Sure enough, a few seconds later I was treated to a radiant smile and a girlish wave. I waved back, ignoring the speculative looks of some of the Republican officers, and left to find the other Jedi.

The next few days would be hard, I knew, but they didn't seem quite so bad now.

* * *

**Dagary Minor (Xi Lan)**

After finishing the training plans with the Republican officers, I looked around for Tebbo and the others. I spotted Tebbo as he emerged from between two tents holding a tray in his hands. "Here," he said, thrusting it in my hands, "eat this. I have asked the others to come in ten minutes, so you have a little time. And yes," he hastily continued, forestalling my next question, "we have all eaten already."

I had just finished gulping down the last spoonful of a very plain meal when the others arrived. We started discussing plans for how we might obtain some Mandalorian armour samples. Unfortunately, we all agreed that it would not be possible to get the samples during the battle, for our forces would likely be too busy retreating. So, we hammered out a plan to get them after the battle.

"There is no way I am going to let you do this!" shouted Revan when I told him of my plans that night. "It's much too dangerous. I've waited four long years to see you again and now you're going to get yourself killed. No, I won't allow it!" His face was red and his Force crackled, barely contained within him.

I could see the genuine worry and fear behind the anger and I couldn't restrain myself. I took two quick steps forward and reached up, touching my lips to his. The kiss was tentative at first, but then he pulled me close to him. His lips hungrily explored mine, and then they traveled my face and neck as I hung on desperately, trying in vain not to be swept into the storm.

Later, as we lay in his blankets, Revan gazed at me wonderingly, his hands lightly tracing my contours as I lay underneath him. "When I joined the Jedi, I thought that I had willingly given up love. I **_believed_** in the Jedi Code, including its prohibitions against love. But now there is you and…"

"I…"

I had not known what I was going to say, but he stopped me with a long, lingering kiss. "And now there is you," he continued, his fingers tracing my neck and face, "and I find that there is something magnificent beyond the Force that I could never have imagined. When I saw the horrors on Serroco and the other worlds, I thought I might give into anger, but then I felt you in my heart. When I understood the Jedi Council would not defend the Republic, I thought I might give into despair but there you were, comforting me. How can this not be the will of the Force?"

Then his face turned more serious. "You will not do this plan. It's crazy! I'm not leaving you behind with a bunch of blood-sucking Mandalorians. We can get armour samples in another way."

I said nothing, for I could sense that he understood, even if he didn't want to accept it now. Instead, I let my hands follow their whims as they moved from his face to his chest, and then lower. His eyes widened slightly and then I was swept into his storm once again.

Later, as we lay together, our eyes drooping and breathing heavy, I spoke gently into his ear. "I will find you afterwards. Don't tell me where the meeting point is. And, Revan..."

"Yes?" he mummured.

"Don't tell Malak."

"I love you," was all he said as we drifted into sleep.

* * *

**Dagary Minor (after the Republican forces had fled)**

We lay in the blue forest, four miles outside of where Revan's forces had lost the battle for the shield generators. While Revan had lost, I think the Mandalorians were surprised, and pleased, by how hard the Republican soldiers had fought. I heard some of them talking about it when they passed by us on their patrols.

Unfortunately, the patrols had been too large for us to ambush, at least thirty soldiers per group. The Mandalorians were being careful about ensuring that there was no resistance. Luckily, the native people here were not inclined to fight hard, so there had been few deaths after Revan and the other forces had retreated. I could sense that Revan and Malak were still alive, although I felt that they had been hard-pressed as they fled the Mandalorian fleet. I could also tell that they were both worried about me, and that Malak was very, very angry.

We might have been able to take one of these patrols down, but I felt that there would be too little time afterwards to flee with the armour before we were found by the main army. So, we waited for two weeks, cautiously avoiding the patrols. We had almost been caught twice, barely escaping by creating diversions with the Force. The other times were easier though. Aileen and Lakiva were able scouts and they usually were able to warn us when a patrol was coming too close.

Finally, the Mandalorians started sending out smaller patrols. Many of the soldiers around the destroyed shield generators were transferred to another location, presumably to gather up slaves. At least, that is what we had counted on. Two days, later, Aileen and Lakiva lured one of the small patrols into a steep valley where the communications signals did not work. As I cut down the last Mandalorian, he gasped, "Finally," with what seemed like satisfaction. At least, that is what I understood from my imperfect understanding of the language.

We quickly gathered up the bodies of Aileen and the two Republican soldiers that had died, and put them on anti-grav sleds that we had stashed nearby. Next, we chose five suits of armour that appeared in relatively good condition and stripped the bodies of shields as well. Then we hurried back to our hidden shuttle in the same valley.

We barely managed to escape the ships that orbited the planet. Luckily, the few ships that remained to secure the planet were stretched wide around the planet, and we managed to enter hyperspace before they closed in on us. It took us a few days to locate the Republican forces. I spent much of that time helping Lakiva deal with the loss of his best friend.

* * *

**Malak expresses his concern (Xi Lan)**

I sat on the ground gasping for breath, feeling the concerned gazes of the soldiers in the room. We were in the corridors just outside the bay where our shuttle had landed. The _Hetasta_ was now the flagship for the Republican fleet because the _Seltano_ had been destroyed over Dagary Minor.

Malak had ambushed me as I got off the shuttle. "How could rish yourself like that?" he had cried, his anguish clear in his voice. Then he had thrown to objects at me. I had caught them, realizing that they were two short practice swords. As soon as I had them in my hands, he had attacked me, as aggressive and determined as I had ever seen him. I had waved off the other members of my team when they had started moving to intervene.

"Get up!" Malak bellowed, "I'm not done with you yet!" I gave him a sour look and then stood up. I wondered if Malak knew how much he had improved. He was easily better than any I had fought recently, including Master Kavar.

I didn't have much time to wonder though, because he quickly attacked me again with his practice sword. Moving towards me in a blur, he feinted a straight jab and then shifted to my left in an attempt to bypass my guard. As he struck with another straight jab, I twisted to my right, letting the strike pass me as I simultaneously jabbed my sword at his abdomen. He sucked in his belly and my sword missed by inches, but I kept pressing the attack with rapid blows from both sides as he backpedaled. Finally, I managed to pin his sword with my left one, while I struck his left arm, his abdomen, and then his legs in quick succession. Malak then _pushed _me away.

"Good," he said, before launching himself at me again. Malak continued his aggressive attacks, and I countered them by moving into his body jamming his longer reach. We battled back and forth for almost three minutes before I scored the next blow by blocking a low strike at the wrist with my left foot while striking his shoulder with my right sword. One minute later I was sent reeling as lured me closer and then punched me twice rapidly in the face. I backpedaled quickly, darting to my right to avoid his next attacks.

After that, Malak darted in and out, trying to control the distance between us to best use the advantage of his longer reach, but I continued to close in on him, slowly working my way towards him. At one point, he managed to set me _twisting_ in the air, but I _pushed_ him back before he could close in.

Finally, after what must have been another ten minutes, he managed to block both my swords up and kick me hard in the belly. I thought I heard something snap and my sight went dim. I could not block his next blow which hit me hard on the temple. After that I felt no more.

I woke up to feel Malak's blazing hands on my head and _tears_ tracking their way down his face. Malak never cried, I thought. I tried to speak, but he put his finger on my lips, before moving his hands down to my torso. I felt another rush of heat, almost too much to bear and then I could breath again. I could see his gaze checking the rest of my body, his hands soothing away the bruises that he had caused.

"Don't do that again!" he said, his eyes conveying both fury and anguish as they returned to mine. "Don't you go off alone again!"

"I was not alone," I said testily, starting to get up.

Malak pushed me back down to the hard surface. "Please," he said, his voice surprisingly gentle.

"I can't promise that, Malak," I said gently, my fingers touching his cheek, "but I will try."

His eyes searched mine then, and I could see how worried he had been. His eyes were red, as if he had not slept for the last week, and his face was thinner. My fingers felt his pain and his love for me. I did not think then, just pulled his lips to mine.

I had forgotten that we had an audience, and I started when I heard applause and laughter coming from all around us. I tried to push Malak's face away then, the heat traveling to my face in an almost overwhelming flood. Malak would not be pushed away though, and I soon lost myself in the moment. Then, I think because he sensed that he was about to lose his audience, Malak turned towards the crowd and gave them what I can only describe as a very self-satisfied grin.

As for me, I squirmed out from under him and busied myself with cleaning the non-existing dust from my robes. Finally, I looked up to see Revan approaching us. He had a smile on his face as he rushed over to pull me into a hug. "I just heard," was all he said. I hesitated for a moment, disquieted by the flicker of black rage I had seen in Revan's eyes as he approached us. I could sense his body stiffen as I paused and so I quickly wrapped my arms around him. I must have been mistaken, I thought to myself, as I basked in the warmth of his embrace. Then I felt Malak's arms encircle us both, squeezing hard.

"What would Master Vrook say if he saw us now?" Malak joked. He grunted when I drove my elbow into this gut.


	16. Chapter 15: Heart and mind

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor will I terminate the meatbags that do. Today.

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

**Reluctant gratitude**: Zealit, Julie and/or Julia, Sith Lord Dark Revan, Mellyna, Raziel, marjorieann, Zealit, and SwordFreak 92, thank you for the encouraging reviews. It makes this much more worthwhile!

* * *

**Chapter 15: Heart and mind (Xi Lan)**

_In which Xi Lan is captured and Revan learns about the heart of an army._

After Dagary Minor, Revan had increasingly gained influence in the Republic army, until he commanded all the committed forces. As Revan's role grew, we started to win a few battles. For the first ten months, we still lost more than we won, but with each precious victory the soldiers and Jedi started to believe that we could win. They started to believe in Revan.

Now, three years after the Mandalorians first invaded, we were starting to push them back. We had won a few victories, reclaiming planets at the edge of the conquered areas. Now, Revan wanted to make a bold strike at the heart of the Mandalorian invasion by invading Dxun, their command centre. Dxun was a large moon circling Onderon, which was one of the first worlds to fall. Dxun was large enough to be called its own world, with a rich and aggressive ecology that supported a host of dangerous predators.

Before invading, Revan wanted to take out the power supply for the air-defense towers that littered the planet. He sent a small strike team of elite Jedi and non-Jedi scouts to assess the feasibility of this sabotage, and to carry it out if possible. He had asked me, reluctantly, to lead this unit, but he had also given me strict instructions to let the others to the actual footwork. Malak promised to make our last duel seem like a beginner's exercise if I did not follow Revan's orders. I promised them both that I would do my best to keep out of danger.

Revan and Malak should have known better.

* * *

**In the jungles of Dxun—(Xi Lan)**

I lay on my stomach in a shallow stream as the warm water flowed over my body. I wore nothing but a tight, short tank top, shorts, and a belt with my two lightsabres and one pair of high quality field goggles. With a corner of my mind, I used the Force to keep away the different predatory fish in the stream while the rest of me was focused on scanning the area for Mandalorians. Sensing that there were none nearby, I inched my way from the stream onto the banks. Then, I quickly slathered my body in mud before slithering along the ground towards the suspected Mandalorian power source. Every minute or so I stopped to check the area for patrols and sentries.

After about 30 minutes, I sensed my first pair of sentries. They were about 100 metres ahead. I sensed no patrols, so I started making my way forward again, keeping on the ground, at an angle that would take me about 30 metres from the sentry post. When I was within 50 metres of the sentry post, I did another thorough scan of the area, using my Force and the field goggles. No more sentries, no patrols, I thought to myself, frowning, something's not right here. They must have suspected that we would try to disable their power supply. How else are we going to get our troops down without massive casualties from their air-defense towers? Mandalorians did not make these kinds of mistakes.

I let myself sink deeper, slipping past the surface Force perceptions into a light Qi meditation. My fingers wove small circles in front of me as I tentatively touched the patterns of the area, this time looking for particular anomalies. After about 10 minutes, I finally felt the small sensor field that they had set up around this area. There were very small and well-shielded, so they emitted very little energy. Only someone like myself who was familiar with Qi or a powerful Force user like Revan would have been able to detect this grid. I frowned as I considered the implications.

One, I thought, they would have to know how sensitive we are to these kinds of energies. They may have learned such information with experience, but I didn't think so. We Jedi had only recently started undertaking these sabotage missions, after Revan had finally won the argument with the Admiral. The Admiral had wanted to keep the Jedi aside for the big battles, but Revan had argued that these spying and sabotage operations would save many lives, Jedi and non-Jedi.

The second implication was more disturbing. This kind of grid would have taken great care and patience to put in place. Other kinds of sensor grids could have been just as effective at sensing would-be saboteurs. Such grids could have been set up like this one, with alarms to detect tampering. With enough alarms, combined with patrols and sentries, that could have been enough to keep out any spy, even Jedi. So why invest is this subtle grid, which required much more effort, and then reduce the amount of sentries? It was a trap, but for who?

If only Revan, I, and maybe one or two others could have detected this grid, were they trying to trap Jedi? Maybe, but if the network captured one Jedi, we would be forewarned. So if this trap could only capture one Jedi, was it worth all this effort? They had captured a few Jedi already and had killed them almost immediately. So, what were they trying to do?

If this grid was detected, then there is only one person who could probably had the power to circumvent it. Only Revan could turn all the sensors off at the same time while preventing the alarm signals from triggering. So were they trying to lure us into sending Revan here? If so, this was very bad news, because that meat they knew enough about Revan to design this special trap.

In other words, someone close to Revan had betrayed us. And if they had… As I jumped up and started running for the forest, I heard the sounds of Mandalorian flyers nearby. Many flyers. I sprinted towards an area of denser forest, hoping that I could lose any pursuit there. However, I had to turn aside, when two flyers dropped down ahead of me, letting off two dozen or so Mandalorian soldiers. As I ran, I deflected their fire desperately. Stun bolts, I swore breathlessly, as I zigzagged among the trees and brush. Ahead of me, I saw a group of five Mandalorian emerging out of the bush, and three flyers raced over my head. I swerved right, surprising them by heading straight towards their camp. For a couple of minutes, I ran free, but then I heard shouts coming from ahead. I _jumped _into a tree above and quickly opened up my com-unit. "It was a trap, do you hear me? It was a trap! Respond!" Then I swore as I realized that the Mandalorians were jamming my com signal. The betrayer had obviously given them our communication frequencies as well.

So, as I heard the soldiers close in on my position, I gathered all my will, drawing on resources I had not known I possessed, and I projected to Malak and Revan one desperate plea. "Trap! Do nothing!" I felt a response, a questing towards me but then I was hit and knew no more.

* * *

**Republican capital ship _Victory_—In deep space one day from Dxun (Revan)**

"Damn you, Xi Lan!" roared Malak and the Republican officers fled from his as he raised his fists in fury. At first, I was too stunned by feeling Xi Lan fall, but then I saw the dark energies starting to coil around Malak as he struggled to contain his rising anger. I ran over to him quickly and slapped his face twice with my hand. The look he turned towards me made my blood run cold, but then I saw the dark fires fade as his eyes focused on me.

"We have to go, Revan," he exclaimed, darting towards the door.

"Stop Malak!" I shouted and I slammed the door shut with my Force for good measure. "We need to think this over before we do anything rash."

"No! You know what they do with Jedi that they capture!" His Force strained against mine as he struggled to open the door.

"She said it was a trap, Malak," I said, tuning my voice to pierce his panic. I **_willed_** him to hear me even as my other half desperately pleaded for me to join him in a madcap rescue effort. "Think! Help me understand her message. Why would she call us and not her team? Why would she tell us to do nothing? If she felt that she was going to be killed right away, wouldn't she have said 'goodbye' instead?"

Malak's body and Force quivered, now barely restrained by his will as he considered the puzzle I had set before him. "Then she does not think they will kill her right away," he said slowly, each word seeming to calm him a little more. "So, what do they want her for?"

"She told us it was a trap, but for whom? If it was for her, why bother telling us it was a trap? And if not for her, then for…" And then I understood and for the first time in my life, I lost control of my anger. I did not see the door buckle, nor the ship-grade metal sizzle beneath my feet.

Who had betrayed us? Who knew us well enough to manipulate these events. I could feel the power that followed my fury, sweeping aside the restraints I had carefully maintained all my life. I could see nothing and everything as I stretched my Force over our entire fleet to find our betrayer. I reached too far and then the galaxy stretched before me, as it had on that evening with Xi Lan on Dantooine. I saw a dark spider reaching its claws across the web of the galaxy towards me, the Republic, the Jedi. And I saw something else, I tasted a dark threat to come… but then I came crashing back to my sense as Malak's knee slammed into my gut.

"Malak, we have been betrayed," I gasped.

* * *

**Mandalorian camp, Dxun (Xi Lan)**

I came to in a small, dark cell. All my possessions had been stripped from me, even my clothes. I shivered as the cold dampness of the floor seeped into my bones and I knew I was stored deep underground.

I got up from the floor and considered the state of my body. I felt sore bruises along the left side of my body, likely where I had landed after falling from the tree. Other than that, I appeared to be okay, with none of the trauma that would have come from a beating or a rape.

I didn't want to think more about my situation now, for I was afraid that I might panic or despair. So I started stretching my body and doing warm up exercises so that I could regain my circulation. As I slipped into the exercises, I let my senses expand. As I had guessed, I was interned deep underground, perhaps 30 metres below it. There were a lot of soldiers in this compound, including at least 50 in the immediate complex. In the prison, I also felt a few very strong energy fields and multiple small gun turrets.

I could sense no other presences who felt like prisoners, so it seemed that this entire prison complex was now devoted to me. For the moment, it was enough to keep me here.

I was not about to practice my moving meditations for their observation, so after I had warmed up, I started meditating in the traditional Jedi way, letting the Force flow through me to heal my wounds and restore my energy. That is how my captors found me, floating in the air above my bed.

* * *

"Well, well, well… no one told me you would be so beautiful," purred the Mandalorian as he entered my cell. He was short, but well muscled and he seemed to flow along the ground like a Maalraas. His eyes devoured my body slowly, like a leisurely meal enjoyed after a long day's work. As his eyes reached my face, a slow smile curled his lips. 

Perhaps he was disappointed that I was not flustered by his scrutiny, but I had never been ashamed of nudity. I casually lowered my legs to the floor and regarded him with as much dispassion as I could muster.

He paused, seeming to wait for some reaction or question on my part, but I was willing to wait. He would come to it eventually.

"I like you," he said, smirking, "so I will not let my men have their way with you. Yet." With that he walked out the door.

* * *

Later that night, one of the men did try something. He snuck into my cell when I was asleep, but I sensed his lust as he approached me. When he tried to leap on top of me, I struck him with both my legs in his chest. As I sprang up, my senses noted that the door was locked, so I concentrated my efforts on the man rather than escaping. He tried to punch my face, but I slipped in and under his blow, unbalancing him by driving my shoulder into his torso while my hands groped for weapons. There were none. 

As he stumbled back, I did not give him space. Keeping close, I hit him in the neck in the gap between his armour and his helmet. Then, as his arms flew up to his neck, I hit him hard under his right armpit where the armour was soft. His right arm fell, temporarily disabled by my blow. He continued to back away, calling out "Drax!"

I did not want to wait for Drax to enter the room, so I moved quickly. I faked another blow to the neck and as he ducked, I drove my heel into his left leg, breaking it at the knee. As the man fell, I heard someone opening the door. Four men rushed into room and I **_pushed_** them away, scattering them like leaves before a storm. As they struggled to recover themselves, I slammed the door shut with my Force, and locked it by **_turning _**the key they had left in the door. Then, before the guards could grab the key, I **_moved _**the key out of the lock and through the bars into my hands. With a small smile of satisfaction, I leaned my back against the door and considered my unconscious captive.

I heard some arguing outside, and at one point one of the guards contended that they should put a grenade into my cell. However, that idea was quickly squashed when my captor entered the room. I recognized his voice as he demanded an explanation for what had happened. Hearing their garbled explanation, he instructed the four guards to "go kill yourselves. And don't forget to send your replacements in before you finish the job!" he finished.

"Yes, Mandalore."

I heard the Mandalore walk towards my cage. "Would you like to kill Sator or do you want me to do it for you?" he asked.

"Do it yourself," I said, sighing. So much for the hostage ploy, I thought, doing my best to ignore the four deaths in the next room. Standing up, I handed the key to the Mandalore through the bars. Six new guards quickly came in to haul Sator away while another dozen surrounded the door, their blasters ready for anything.

"Put your weapons down," ordered the Mandalore impatiently, and the soldiers complied. "You know," he said calmly, turning towards me, "most Jedi don't fight very well without their lightsabres, but you took out Sator as if it was easy. He was an experienced veteran," he continued, ignoring the blaster shot that killed Sator while I flinched. "I had only thought of you as bait, but you have impressed me. Where did you train?"

"I trained with the Jedi."

"I'm sure you did, but we both know that is not the answer to my question." His eyes traveled my body again, but this time more professionally. "Every day, each soldier and Jedi we face is more skilled at fighting. Each day, the Republican army fights more like an army. Your forces make remarkable progress. Is it because of the Jedi? Is it something that Revan is doing? Or Malak? Or, maybe… it's you." His eyes sought answers in my eyes, but none were forthcoming. With a grunt, he continued. "My informant told me that you could be used to capture Revan, but I'm starting to believe he omitted a thing or two about you." Then he turned to one of the soldiers, barking "Get her some clothes!" before he stalked out of the room.

I was handed my shorts and tank top, along with a warm cloak of some material I could not identify. The door closed behind me while I dressed.

* * *

**Republican fighter capital ship _Victory_—In deep space one day from Dxun (Revan)**

There was something different about the soldiers now that Xi Lan was gone. I could feel it in the Jedi too. As I walked around the **_Victory_**, I saw how the soldiers in one corner talked in whispers and glanced around nervously. A few days earlier, I had seen the same group laugh at a joke Xi Lan was telling. In the med bay, I saw wounded soldiers start to crumble into despair as they realized the horror of lost legs and arms. The same soldiers had competed with each other to share stories of their accomplishments with Xi Lan just before she left.

Earlier today, I met with a group of young Jedi. As we had talked, I found myself distracted by subtle distortions in the Force that surrounded these Knights. When I thought about it after they had left, I realized that what I had seen were traces of doubt and guilt, little tears in the Force that, if they grew, might break these Jedi. When I had last seen them, they had just finished a dinner with Xi Lan. I remember how I had been fascinated by the thin, green-blue tendrils that seemed to wind their way around them. It had been a subtle web that bound them together, one whose presence frees more than it constrains. I had thought that it had been created as the team pulled together in response to the stresses of war. I was wrong.

Before, I had thought that it was I who inspired the soldiers and Jedi. That was not a lie, and yet now I knew that it was not the whole truth. Only now, in Xi Lan's absence, did I realize why she had spent every night moving from group to group, talking with some, listening to others, dancing, singing, and so many other little things. Somehow, in her nightly wanderings from group to group, from person to person, from soldier to Jedi, Xi Lan had healed them, not physically but emotionally and spiritually.

If my words stirred them to greater effort, she made lessened their suffering so that they could hear me. If my tactics and strategies turned the war in our favour, her compassion and caring made them able to take the risks victory demanded. If I was the head of the army, she was its heart. Now that heart was missing. We had to get her back.

* * *

Before, when she chose to walk the halls, I had struggled with my jealously. It had not helped that in the past six months, Malak had walked with her while I could not. I would have loved to join them too, but my burdens kept me in the planning rooms. I often stayed there until I could hold my eyes open no longer. Only then, when I was sure that she would be in my bed, did I go to my room. Even then, though she was with me every night, I resented my necessary exclusion from those evening walks. 

I had told myself that Xi Lan did this for herself. I had reminded myself that Malak was my best friend. I had replayed constantly in my mind the promise that Malak and I had made so very long ago: that we would not let our feelings for Xi Lan divide us. Telling myself these things had worked. Barely. But I understood now and I kicked myself for the burden of bitterness I had carried without cause.

* * *

While I formulated plans to get Xi Lan back, Malak tried to fill her role, moving from group to group alone. He had some effect, for he was brave and true of heart, but where she had impacted a whole group, Malak was only able to raise the morale of a person here, a Jedi there. It was not enough. I tried to fill in too, giving a few speeches over the comm system. That helped, for it was something I was very good at. It was not enough. 

And realizing now all that she had done, I came to understand two things. The first was her importance to our effort. The second was our profound vulnerability. If nothing else came from her capture by the Mandalorians, I knew this. I would have to find a way to make this army strong so that it could withstand the pressures of war even without Xi Lan. For even if we won this war, there was another threat out there beyond the Outer Rim. I had seen it in my glimpse of the future when rage and darkness had almost overwhelmed me. I had seen it that night when I had watched Xi Lan meditate.

It was a problem I set aside for now, for I had my love to rescue. Sooner or later, though, I would have to find an answer.

* * *

**A duel for Mandalore (Xi Lan)**

"Did you hear?" shouted the guard called Kallon, as he rushed into the guard room, "Palco is challenging the Mandalore!"

"I guess he's not happy about Mandalore telling his son Drax to go off himself over this schutta," said one of my other guards, indicating my cell with his rifle.

"Damnit," another guard swore, "I'm not missing out on this! When are they fighting?"

"In twenty minutes. I'll be sure to tell you all about it," smirked Kallon.

"I'm not missing another challenge! I've already missed the last two!"

"You know what the Mandalore, whichever one emerges from this, will do if we abandon our post," said the second guard.

I started to weave a suggestion into the guards' minds, encouraging them to go. All that is, except the one with the key.

"You know what," the fourth guard said, "I don't think they will notice, because they're both going to have a lot of things on their minds right now."

"What about her?" said Kallon, nodding his head towards my cell door.

"Bah! All she does is meditate, floating in the air like some goddamn balloon. Too bad we can't dress her up like the other girls and have ourselves some fun!"

"That's what the prostitutes are for. A couple came in today, I heard."

"Come on, she can't do anything! There are at least 30 gun turrets and three heavy shields between her and the surface. Let's go."

After that, they argued about who would have to stay behind, finally settling it with a rushed contest of strength. Two minutes after the others guards left, Kallon was escorting me to a back room, thinking that he had scored today's prostitute. Three minutes after that, I emerged from the room dressed in a very short skirt, a tight shirt that hid nothing that a slight change in angle would not reveal, and netted stockings. My face was done up in heavy make-up and my hair was down.

I had to kiss most of the guards on the way up, and several of them groped me quite thoroughly, laughing that they needed to search me for weapons. All the while, I **_encouraged_** them to focus their attentions on my "charms," not my face. Perhaps one or two of them would have had their way on me, but Kallon was anxious to collect and I had **_suggested_** to him that he do so in the woods.

That plan flew out the window when we emerged from the prison, for Kallon would not pass up witnessing a Mandalore challenge even for a rare opportunity for sex. I was tempted to sneak away from him, but he had my arm gripped tightly in his hand and, frankly, I was curious as well. What I saw then was a brutal battle between the Mandalore and a younger challenger. They were both fully armoured and equipped with vibroswords. The Mandalore fought like an experienced veteran, crafty and wise, but the challenger fought with great skill too. It was an enthralling, dark match, and I barely noticed it when Kallon slipped his hand into my shirt to allay his own excitement. Finally, the Mandalore stumbled slightly in the mud and the battle was soon over. The new Mandalore held the head of his predecessor up for all to see, and he was greeted by a thunderous yell from the assembled masses. Afterwards, everyone drifted off to discuss the match.

Kallon and I started walking towards the woods near the flyers.

* * *

If everyone hadn't been distracted by the Mandalore challenge, I doubt I would have escaped the camp. As it was, I barely evaded the three flyers who pursued me on my stolen one. Just when I thought they would shoot me down, they exploded into debris, one after another in quick succession. I looked up and spotted a small Republican Invasion Landing vessel. I followed it as it descended into a nearby clearing. Within 10 minutes, the ship was entering hyperspace while Revan and Malak took turns berating me for my stupidity. They also had some hard questions about my attire and look, although Malak gave me a few appreciative looks before he realized what he was doing and scowled. 

They didn't let me hug them until we had almost reached the fleet.

* * *

When I told Revan later about the Mandalore challenge, he asked me for every detail. I could not provide him with much, but it was enough. I could see his mind exploring the possibilities. Then he sighed, "Not yet." 

Two days later, we invaded Dxun.


	17. Chapter 16: Dxun

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

* * *

**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor will I terminate the meatbags that do. Today. 

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

* * *

**Thanks!**: Sith Lord Dark Revan and Brazilian Sith Lord, thanks for your reviews on the last chapter. SLDR, I loved that line too. I wish more like that would pop out of my brain.

* * *

**---**

**Chapter 16: Dxun (Revan)**

Perhaps I shouldn't have invaded Dxun after our sabotage effort failed, but then we would have showed the Mandalorians a lack of resolve. They would have thought that we continued to lack the courage to take heavy losses. We needed to show them a different face or this war might never end, despite what victories we achieved.

So, we landed our forces in the heart of the Mandalorian war effort. They were well-prepared and many ships and soldiers were lost before they even landed. Now, we were stuck in a war of attrition on the ground while our fleet struggled to keep away the Mandalorian reinforcements. We had barely won the last two space battles, and only because I had managed to devise two unexpected strategies that the Mandalorians did not know how to counter. I had a few more ideas, but who knew what would work and what would not.

Every day, I heard reports of the fighting from Dxun. We were taking losses far greater numbers than we ever had before. The other victories had come when I had tricked the Mandalorians into concentrating their forces on the wrong worlds; they had been relatively easy victories. Those victories could never be discounted, but until we met the Mandalorians in full force and **_won_**, they would never respect us and they would never surrender.

It's a funny thing, war in space. Despite all the planets, the amount of land mass to empty space is infinitesimal. If the Mandalorians did not respect us, but we were winning, what was to stop them from taking to space and endlessly raiding Republican worlds. No, we needed to challenge them, make them stay where we could fight them, and then crush them. Thinking about the worlds they had devastated, annihilation seemed to be what they deserved. Also, I had to always keep in mind that as long as the Mandalorians could fight, they would be a tool of whatever dark forces was behind their actions.

Master Ay-Traya, the first and now last Master I respected, continued to send me information that she gathered about the Mandalorians and about who might be behind them. There seemed to be only one possible force that could be behind the Mandalorians, she wrote, and that was the Sith Empire. I had thought they were defeated and powerless, I had written back, but she reminded me that the Jedi Order and Republic had received very little news of the Sith in the past centuries.

If she was right, then we faced Dark Jedi, remorseless Sith who had the ability to prey upon the weaknesses of non-Jedi and Jedi alike. Weaknesses that the army on the surface and here in the sky, struggled with every day. So we needed to win at Dxun, and we needed to create Jedi and soldiers who were as strong and as unmoving as the Mandalorians.

I had given Xi Lan the command of the land forces, despite her insistent protests that she lacked the experience. As I heard the reports from the surface, I could see that Xi Lan was the one that was keeping our forces together. Each day, she moved her command post to a different location. Somehow, she always found her way to the units, Jedi and non-Jedi, that were closest to breaking; when she left, those units would fight as if they were restored.

It was amazing what she did, but I still despaired. First, I worried about her tremendously. Each day, we talked on the comm link and I could tell how desperately tired she was. I wasn't sure how long she could keep this up, and then what would happen to our forces? What would happen to her?

Second, there were so many ways that Xi Lan could be taken from the army below and I needed to plan for a day when this army would have to fight without Xi Lan's restoring presence. Third, her effect could only last so long. Two or three days after her visit, the units in question would start to show signs of wear and tear again. There were just too many for her to maintain by herself. The other Jedi, led by Malak, tried to fill in the gap but as hard as they tried they just didn't have the talent.

So, I had thought day and night about how I could forge this army into a force that could stand on its own. Despite all the options I considered, I could see only one way that a new army could be forged, and that way required a terrible price. A price that was being paid on Dxun right now, but without effect **_because_** of Xi Lan.

For the army to be effective and dependable, it needed to be broken and then remade. For the army to be remade, it had to lose its compassion and be forged under the heat of war into something harder. And for the army to lose its compassion, Xi Lan had to stop restoring it. For Xi Lan to stop restoring it, she had to either be sent far away or remade herself. I did not want her to leave, and I wasn't sure if she would agree anyways. As for remaking her, who was I to think about remaking the one that I loved, even if I did so to save the Republic?

I couldn't do it, and so the Republic was endangered until I could find a way to fashion an army that would stand when all was darkness.

* * *

**Dxun surface (Xi Lan)**

To say that I was tired was to say that Dxun was a little wet.

We were slowly winning the battle for Dxun, but the cost was staggering. It was hard to count the numbers, but I think we lost two soldiers for every one Mandalorian. Without Jedi healing, no doubt that ratio would have been much higher.

Such losses were to be expected, for the Mandalorians had prepared their defenses well. Still, knowing that losses would occur and actually seeing the wounded and dead were different things entirely. None of us were prepared.

Perhaps the Jedi felt it the most. We who had chosen to come to this war despite the condemnation of the Jedi Order had done so because of our compassion for those who were dying. That compassion motivated us every day, but it also broke us down. As we struggled together, bonds of friendship were formed that sustained us through the difficult times, even as they undermined us. It was excruciatingly difficult to go through each day feeling those we cared about suffer or die. Even when we cut down the Mandalorians, we felt it too, because even as we knew they were a threat to life, they were also a port of it.

It was so tempting for us Jedi to cut ourselves off, to search for ways to stop feeling and so, every day, I reminded myself of Master Kavar's words, "guard your humanity." I tried to help my fellow Jedi, listening to their pain and providing what comfort I could, but I was never sure if it was enough. The regular soldiers needed help too, and I pushed myself every night to visit those that seemed to be struggling the most. I could never get to them all, though. It was overwhelming.

Malak, whom Revan had assigned to protect me, forced me into my tent at 2 or 3 AM every morning, and then I couldn't sleep until the tears I had stored up had released themselves. Each time, Malak was there to hold me until I fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning, I would find a hot plate of food inside my tent and when I came out, he would always be talking to some group that I missed. I don't know what I would have done without him.

We were no longer lovers, Malak and I. I think that Malak felt that Revan needed me more. I had sensed Revan's jealousy a few times, and I knew how hard he worked to preserve our lives, so I let them lead me to this new arrangement. Friends or lovers, I loved them both and, in the end, that was all that mattered to me.

I missed Revan terribly. We talked every night over the comm link, but it was not the same, though he tried very hard. He listened carefully to each report, and then we made plans for the next day. I was always amazed by how he seemed able to read the situation and devise plans that allowed us to make progress, even if the cost was terrible. I think without those daily advances, the army would have lost hope.

Sometimes, I could not help it, and I broke down while talking to him. As I sat there crying, he would talk softly to me, soothing me until I could breathe again. I don't know how he did it, but I could feel his compassion and love for me even through the crackle of his comm-altered voice.

Every morning, I put on my best face and we marched into hell again.

* * *

We have been here six weeks now, I thought to myself, as I squirmed through the underbrush towards the Mandalorian encampment. Revan had decided that we would see if we could confuse the Mandalorians a bit by simply doing nothing for a day. I felt that we were close to a major node in the Mandalorian defense. Since there were no offensive missions to carry out, I had decided it was a good day for scouting out possible routes for the attack tomorrow. 

Everyone had objected to my undertaking this spying mission, but I just had to get away, even if it was for only a few moments on a dangerous mission.

I froze when I heard some Mandalorian voices. "I heard she's close today," I heard one soldier say.

"The Jedi?"

"Who else?"

"What's the big deal about her, anyway? Jedi are good fighters, but they're soft. You can see it on their faces when they fight. They can't stand the killing."

"Didn't you hear how she escaped our encampment?" The speaker started to relate the story of my stay in their prison, and how I had escaped.

"You mean, she just walked out of our prison, kissing guards and letting them feel her up! Heh, that takes guts!"

"You should hear the guards talk. Some of them swear that they had to stop seeing the prostitutes after that, because those sluts couldn't compare with the feel of a "real warrior." You want to know what the best part is?"

"It gets better?"

"So here she is. She has just walked out of the prison and freedom is not far away. So what does she do? She goes with Kallon, her guard, and watches the entire Mandalorian challenge! There she is, among hundreds of our warriors, with no weapons and practically nothing on, and she is watching the ascendance of a new Mandalore! And then she just walks off with Kallon, an experienced veteran, knocks him out and gets away on a stolen flier despite being chased by three of our best. And does her narrow escape make her afraid? No! Two days later, she is leading the most bloody campaign the Republican army has ever fought while the bloody, almighty Revan sits on his hands in the skies above."

"Unbelievable. … And a woman also. When was the last time that happened?"

"I don't know."

I had to know more, so I reached out with the Force, and **_suggested_** a question.

"So, what does it mean to be an honorary Mandalorian anyway?"

"You don't know? What did you do, sleep through your entire childhood?"

"Just tell me," the voice said, bafflement warring with annoyance.

"It means that if we capture her, we give her an honourable death. It means she has achieved great honour and can meet our best in the battle circle. It means that if she calls for a duel, we have to meet it."

"So, has she been informed?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because she keeps moving all over the goddamn place! The Mandalore keeps trying to send a message to her, but we never know where she's going to be. Wouldn't it be a waste if she died before she knew?"

The other speaker grunted, and then I saw them emerge from behind some trees. About ten feet from my position, they stopped and undid a flap in their armour. I suppressed an urge to chuckle when I saw that they were urinating. Standing up, I snuck quickly up behind them, placing one lightsabre each between their legs. "Don't move," I said as I heard one of them swear.

"Put your weapons down and tell me more about this honorary title I've earned," I told them, "and don't worry, I'll give you a chance to collect your weapons later on so you can attack me."

"On your honour, Jedi?" asked one of the Mandalorians, the one who had been relating the tale.

"Yes." They stripped off their weapons then and I thumbed off my lightsabres. We then spent the next thirty minutes pleasantly talking about this dubious honour I had earned. It was a strange thing, talking to these men. Here we were, dire enemies, sitting in the jungle talking about Mandalorian culture. As we talked, they regarded me frankly, and seemed to like what they saw despite the fact that my clothes were frayed, my body stained with dirt and mud, and my head topped by more twigs than hair. The one who had been relating my exploits was named Gelto and the other was Walderous.

Apparently, this honourary title was something that they gave only to their bravest, most competent, and brazen enemies. In any war, they said, they might give such an honour to two or three opponents. When the title was given, they tried to send messages to the person to let them know about it, including the privileges it conveyed—for example, a quick death if captured. When I asked about the duel, they said that if I wanted, I could challenge the Mandalore's Champion to a one-on-one contest, where each party could name their prize. Such prized, of course, had to be within reason. For example, you could not demand that the other side give up the war, but you could win a strategic position or negotiate a short cease-fire. One could even, they told me reverently, duel for the honour of joining the Mandalorians.

"I thank you for being frank with me about this information," I said, wondering at these strange people who would volunteer such information so freely to an enemy.

"It would be dishonourable not to," said Gelto

"What about dueling for the title of Mandalore?" I asked.

"You are a woman! You would be killed instantly for even suggesting such a thing!"

So I asked them under what conditions someone else could challenge the Mandalore? Apparently, that person would have to be male, already a great leader, and a proven warrior.

"So the key difference is that I'm female?"

"Yes," replied Walderous, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Are there any among us who have earned that right?"

"No," Walderous replied. "We honour the feats of Malak, for he is a great warrior, but he has done nothing extraordinary. Also, we know that you lead him. Revan is a great leader, but he is not a warrior. There are no others who come close."

"So, back to me," I continued and the two Mandalorians leered at me, "how much can I demand? Could I challenge you for this planet?" They shook their head. "What about those hills there, could I ask that you abandon that post?"

"Yes, that would be possible"

"Alright, I think I understand. So what do we do now?"

"We fight, of course, for honour. If we defeat you, our names will be toasted for years to come. If not," Gelto shrugged, "it will be a good death."

"Very well," I sighed and I tossed them their weapons. They were experienced warriors, but they were not particularly challenging for one who had practiced and fought with Malak. As far as I could tell they died happy, and for that I was glad.

* * *

**The next day (Revan)**

"Stop her, Malak. Don't argue, just do it!"

I couldn't believe she would do it. Not again. "Get a Invasion Landing vehicle ready now!" I barked, projecting my voice so that it filled the command centre as I fled it. "I'm going to the surface."

"Now hold on young man…", the Admiral started, but I was already out of the room and in the elevator.

Luckily for everybody, the ILV was ready when I arrived at the docking bay. Grunting at the technicians who were just removing the fuel hose, I stormed into the ILV, slamming the door shut with the Force. Thirty seconds later, we were halfway to the surface to stop my fool of a lover from getting herself killed.

* * *

**On Dxun's surface (Malak)**

How could my heart hold such conflicted feelings? As much as I loved the thrill of battle, I hated war. As much as I loved Xi Lan, I gave her up to Revan, my blood brother, because he needed her more. And now today my heart burst with pride at Xi Lan's courage, but I wanted to sweep everything aside to protect her.

People think that I am a simple man, but that is only partly true. It's just that I obey my heart, and it follows a reasoning of its own.

My heart told me to let Xi Lan follow hers.

* * *

**On Dxun's surface (Xi Lan)**

"I, Xi Lan, defy the Mandalore's champion to defend these hills from me, on my honour as a Mandalorian! Let my challenge be heard or your people lose their pride today!"

What must they think, I thought, to see this little woman speak these traditional words? Who was I to call out their second most talented warrior to a duel to the death?

I had dressed as well as I could. I had my blue robe on that Malak and Revan had given to me. The rest of my clothing was as neat as I could get it in an army camp in the middle of the jungle. My hair and body were clean, though my eyes were ringed by circles that spoke of my lack of sleep. I was barely half the size of most Mandalorians, and while I guess I was known, the actual sight of me could not have been very impressive.

Would they actually respond to my challenge? I figured that 30 minutes had already passed since I had issued my challenge. I had known that it would take time for my message to be relayed to the Mandalore, but it was hard to wait in this exposed area, relying only on my faith in two dead Mandalorian soldiers.

I almost jumped when their response finally came. "The Mandalore accepts your challenge! His champion has arrived. Will you hear the rules of engagement?"

"It would be my honour."

"The rules are simple. The fight is to the death. You can use any weapon of your choice. You will not use your Force or you will lose your honour. Do you have any questions."

"No, let the challenge proceed."

From the woods stepped a giant of a man, bigger than Malak by a hand in height and width. He moved with the fluid grace of a seasoned warrior and with the confidence of an old champion. Within a moment, he was opposite me and I felt we were alone, though a thousand people watched us.

"I am honoured that you would meet my challenge, Champion."

"The honour is mine," he said, following the rituals that Gelto and Walderous had explained to me, but then he surprised me. "It will be a shame to kill someone as beautiful as you, and as deadly. I will make you an offer if you will hear it. It is permitted."

"This part is unknown to me, but you may proceed."

The man took off his helmet. His face was hard, but with a certain rugged beauty to it. His eyes were surprisingly warm, like a man who was at peace with his life. "If a man deems the woman challenger worthy enough, he may offer her honour in another way. There is no shame at all in accepting. I, Toxel of the Clan Tuldan, Champion of the Mandalore, do propose that you and I settle this duel by marriage."

"What!" I exclaimed. I had steeled myself for death, but not marriage to a Mandalorian!

"If you accept this offer, our duel is declared a draw. You win for having captured my heart, I for having won you as my prize. You would make an excellent wife and a Mandalorian. Do you accept?"

I made my best show of considering his offer, trying to pay respect to what I sensed was a genuine proposal…for a Mandalorian. "I'm afraid," I said, bowing my head to him, "that I have to refuse your worthy offer. My honour demands that I follow the wishes of my commander, who wants that hill. Will you meet my challenge?"

"I will."

"So name what you prize you would have of me."

We laughed at his response, although I could feel my cheeks heat from his attention. Finally, we both knew that it was time to fight. I was touched by the look of sincere regret that passed over his face as he donned his helmet.

* * *

**Revan**

I watched the first part of the duel on the screen of the ILV. It was good that the Admiral had arranged for someone else to pilot the ship, because my attention was solely focused on the two figures circling each other on the screen. As the ILV prepared to land near the duel site, I **_opened_** the door and launched myself through it towards the ground far below. Barely had I landed when I sprang forward. I was a blur of motion as I ran towards the sight of Xi Lan battling that giant. She fought beautifully, her movements as fluid as I had ever seen as she weaved her way around the Champion's strikes. I could tell that he was surprised by her style. I suspect that he was used to people staying away from his sword, not moving their way towards it. Still, he was superbly skilled and as I saw a slice of hair float down from her cheek, I **_jumped_**.

"This fight stops here," I thundered, putting all my power behind my voice as I landed right beside them. As their heads turned towards me, Xi Lan's framing her expression of shock, I **_pushed_** them apart, flinging them far from each other. "I am Revan and I am Xi Lan's Mandalore! I do **_not_** permit her to stand in my stead! Mandalorians, will you face my challenge?"

"No, we will not," said one bold voice, and a man stepped out of the forest, waving back others who moved to follow him. "You are unblooded and have not earned the right to face us. Come back when you have honour, pup."

"Are there no stakes that will make you meet me, then?" I willed him to accept, but I found him curiously resistant to my efforts.

"No, there are no stakes we will accept from one who was not earned the right to offer them. You are a great leader, Revan, but no more. Prove yourself worthy as a warrior, or don't bother us." And with that, he signaled his men and walked back into the forest, nonchalantly turning his back to me.

For a moment, I thought about attacking him, or ordering my soldiers to fire, but I knew that if I did so, the Mandalorians would no longer fight us as if we were honoured warriors. I could not allow that to happen. We needed to end this war soon, not chase them through the stars.

"What will it take for me to gain this right?" I shouted, once again augmenting my voice with the Force.

"Ask Xi Lan, she will tell you," was the response.

As I stared at the retreating backs of the Mandalorians, I heard a soft voice behind me say, "Prowess. No fear. Brash actions. Loyalty to a cause. Arrogance."

"I can see why they picked you then," I said softly.

"Lives upon lives would have been saved if I had won that duel, Revan," she sighed.

I resisted the urge to turn towards her. If I did, would I kiss her, berate her, or cackle like an idiot? Honestly, I did not know. "And what would we have lost if you had died here?"

"I don't think you want to know." Was that chagrin I heard in her voice?

"Tell me anyway."

"One very short skirt, one very accessible shirt, and one pair of netted stockings."

I had to laugh.

* * *

After that day, I fought at the forefront as much as possible. Each night, I would coordinate our activities with Admiral Saul Karath, who proved able in developing strategies with me and implementing them in battles. 

I gained much "honour" in the battles that followed. Countless Mandalorians fell to my lightsabres, for I was good at battle. I was very good at it. Two weeks later, we seized the command centre while the remaining Mandalorians fled. It was a well-planned retreat, for their fleet attacked ours at the same time as the shuttles left Dxun.

Each day during that horrendous time, I also came to understand first-hand how difficult it was for a Jedi who becomes a killer. And why everyone loved Xi Lan as a leader. Each night, as I moved with Xi Lan and Malak to meet the different units, I found some peace despite the carnage that etched itself on my soul.

But it couldn't last. I still had to forge my army.


	18. Chapter 17: Unexpected enemies

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

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**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor will I terminate the meatbags that do. Today. 

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

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**Chapter 17: Unexpected enemies (Revan)**

* * *

**Aboard the Republican ship _Steadfast_ – 5 months after Dxun (Revan)**

We had hoped that the victory on Dxun would deal a blow to the morale of the Mandalorians. It had worked, although not quite the way we had planned. Upon discovering that they could lose, the Mandalorians fought even harder than before, and more recklessly. They had always known that the weakness of our army lay in the fact that most of our soldiers were people used to peace, not war. And they knew that these soldiers could be broken. So, when they realized that they could to counter my strategies, they decided that the only way to win was to subject our soldiers to the most brutal fighting they would ever see.

They lay traps in which whole squads of Mandalorians would sacrifice themselves for the sole purpose of leaving behind the mutilated bodies of our soldiers for others to witness. They targeted our woman soldiers as the first to kill, because they knew that we accepted those deaths and mutilations less readily. They rammed their capital ships into ours so that they could take as many of us as possible with them. They wanted us to break.

At first, I countered this tactic through traps, feints, diversions, and other strategies.. I could not anticipate all their moves, however, and the brutality continued. And it worked, at first. Many of our soldiers and Jedi started to collapse in on themselves as the war took away what they valued: health, friends, lovers. Their innocence. So, I decided to take that innocence away first.

* * *

**Excerpt from a Revan speech to the fleet—six months after Dxun**

_We have seen now the true colour of the Mandalorians. They have butchered the innocent. They revel in death and are vicious without compare. They care for nothing except that we suffer. They talk about honour but they have none. Would any of you do what they have done?_

_We come from a society that has always prided itself for its benevolence. We take prisoners, we say, and treat them well. We don't harm citizens, we try to protect them. We don't bomb cities and enslave entire populations. __There are civilized limits, we tell ourselves, to all things, even war. __We are the **good guys**, we cry to ourselves as we stand over the mutilated bodies of those we have sworn to protect._

_Now I ask you, do the Mandalorians deserve to be treated as civilized beings? Do we want a Mandalorian nation to survive this war, perhaps to rise again? Do we want our sons, daughters, mothers, and fathers to know that their loved ones have died so that the Mandalorians can end right where they started, a wicked people primed for war? _

_Lift your ears to the wind and hear what your loved ones shout! Look around and see what the eyes of the maimed and broken scream! Open up your hearts and feel the pain of the galaxy! _

_What are they telling us? What is life itself telling us? What is the Force telling us? _

_They are telling us one simple thing. Do you want to hear it? Do you want to know what all that is good is begging us to do? Are you strong enough? Are you brave enough to change? Do you care enough for the Republic to do what must be done? _

_I know you are, so let me tell you what life itself demands of us._

_"Stop being so _**god damned nice **_and blow these malicious, vile beasts back to space dust!"_

* * *

It was all that I could do to walk away from that speech, for I had used the Force as recklessly as my words to shape my audience. As I did, I heard the thunderous applause fill the hangar, the ship vibrating to their resounding fury. It saddened me, but I was bound by necessity and duty to the Republic. 

I wanted something stronger than the Mandalorians. They still cared about individual honour, as twisted as it was. My army would only care about achieving its purpose. My soldiers would be the limbs of one warrior, following one head. Mine.

I could feel **_my _**soldiers grow, harden, coalesce into something stronger as I spoke. I had felt it before on the other ships when I gave these speeches. The Mandalorians had started to break my army, but they had made a mistake. From those fractured soldiers, I was forging something new. I was forming an army built to achieve one single purpose, victory!

* * *

**On the Republican ship, _Resplendent_ (Xi Lan)**

Two weeks ago, Revan had asked Admiral Karath, Malak, and I to lead one fleet task force each to circle Mandalorian space. The purpose he told us, was to launch a four-pronged attack straight towards the centre of the Mandalorian nation. To each of us, he had given us a basic plan for how we should proceed, what planets we should take, and what we should do with them.

Our groups were smaller and weaker than the one he kept with him. Our main purpose he said, was to divide the Mandalorian fleet, to overextend them. If one of our groups should be attacked by a superior force, we were instructed to retreat. "Turn back," he said, "and flee as far as you have to. Then, when they pull back to deal with another of our fleets, proceed again, slowly but surely. Don't worry about falling back, because if they have attacked you with large numbers, the other two groups will be unopposed. Just keep moving inwards, keep putting on the pressure. Whatever you do, however, don't let them engage you unless you are sure of victory. Even then, be ready to retreat at any moment."

A couple of time, I heard some of the soldiers talking about some speeches that Revan was giving, but I never had the time to see them myself. Until one day, Jon, the Jedi I first met on Dagary Minor, showed me a holocopy he made.

I hugged myself afterwards, in my room, not sure why I was filled with desperate foreboding.

* * *

**Aboard the Republican ship _Steadfast_—eight months after Dxun (Revan)**

As I gazed at the star map, I could not help but be pleased. Our fleets were progressing well. The Mandalorians had tried to destroy a couple of the smaller fleets, Malak's and Xi Lan's, just as I had predicted. Thankfully, both of them had retreated as I had ordered them. Although they had taken losses, they got away. The Mandalorian fleet couldn't keep chasing them, because the other three fleets continued to advance. And when they left, Xi Lan and Malak fleets just turned around and kept advancing.

Then the Mandalorians tried coming after my fleet, but we were prepared. We were also not the Republican soldiers they thought they knew. I had used a simple plan, but sometimes those are the best when your enemy thinks they understand how you fight, but in reality do not. The centre of our formation gave way to their attack after some heavy losses on both sides. When the Mandalorians had moved forward to, they thought, split our fleet, we had surrounded and crushed them in a brutal hail of fire. They lost half their fleet that day because my soldiers were now willing to sacrifice themselves, deliberately, for a victory.

When that battle ended, my soldiers did something they had not done before. Instead of weeping for the dead, they toasted them. Instead of mourning their losses, they gloried in victory. Instead of doubting the costs of war, they roared as I recounted our growing superiority.

This was an army that could take on the Sith, wherever they came from.

* * *

"Lord Revan, there is a contingent of Jedi to see you, headed by three Jedi Masters. They say they come on behalf of the Senate and the Jedi Council." 

I missed the days where they would treat me more informally, but this was for the best. I had no official rank in the army, but everyone had taken to calling me Lord. It was not a title that I had sought, but I thought that it was the right one for the job of rallying the troops.

"How many of them in total?"

"I would say twenty, Lord."

"Find out the exact count. Tell them that I am busy for the moment. Escort them to our best guest quarters and provide them with refreshments. If they balk, insist politely. If they will not comply, then call me right away. …And arrange for some guides for any Jedi who might want to see the ship. Don't offer them yet, though. Wait until you bring the Masters to me. Got that, Ensign…?"

"Ensign Jolban, Lord. Yes I did Lord."

"Thank you. Keep up the good work."

When the ensign had left, I considered what I would do about this turn of events. I couldn't think of what reason the Jedi were here, unless they wanted to warn me about the "dark side" or some such nonsense. And twenty of them, that was a large number of Jedi for any mission. Perhaps they were here to join. A few of the masters had joined earlier, including Master Kae, an accomplished warrior Jedi. She had also brought her husband, an Echani who was an excellent field leader. Still, there was something about the fact that there were three Jedi Masters that bothered me, but I couldn't put my finger on it. After thinking about it for a time, I took a deep breath and let it go.

If they were here to talk about the dark side, well I guess I could understand it. I had already tasted it that one day when Xi Lan was captured and I had realized we had been betrayed. I had eventually found that spy and given them to the Republican military court to be judged. Now that had been another trial for my control, because part of me had really wanted to kill that man. I had been frightened, however, by how close I had come to falling that first time. I would not make the mistake of letting my emotions rule my judgement again. Anyway, if they did come for that reason, they should be able to tell once they saw me that I was alright.

Well, I sighed to myself, no point in delaying too long. I missed having Malak and Xi Lan around. Before, I could always talk to them about the different things that were going on.

I instructed my staff to prepare Strategy Room A for the meeting. I had installed visual and auditory recording devices in that room so that I could look at the meetings afterwards, to see if I had missed anything important in the content of the meeting or the reactions of my officers. I don't know why I wanted to see them there, but it felt right.

I took a quick shower, and put on the uniform I had created for myself. It was a simple but elegant black set of jacket, shirt, and pants. An intricate gold trim lined the sleeves and collar. I bore no marks of rank, for they were not necessary. Everyone knew my uniform now, if not my face. My face, I thought without regret, had always been too ordinary for people to remember. There were times when I put on a simple soldier's uniform so that I could walk the halls and see what was going on. Just like I had during those two months with Xi Lan and Malak, but now no one recognized me now. Perhaps it was an aspect of my Force, an unconscious protection.

I nodded to the soldiers that I met in the halls as I made my way to Strategy Room A, all of whom saluted me. As I neared the room, I commed the ensign. "Ensign Jolban, please bring the three Masters to me and offer the tours to the rest. I'm in Strategy Room A."

* * *

I was sitting at the end of the table when they entered, sipping on a glass of cool but stale glass of recycled water. I had arranged for a selection of water and juices to be set around the table for the Masters. Other than that, the room was empty. 

"Please, have a seat, take a drink," I said, rising to my feet. These were not just three Masters, they were three Council members! What was going on here?

"I think we will stand, Knight Revan," said Master Lix, his eyes cold and judging. With him was Master Loopso, the Twilek Council member whom I had first approached at the Temple, and Master Yulan, a Sullastan. They looked… nervous, I thought, narrowing my eyes.

"Let us not waste time here on pleasantries," Master Loopso continued smoothly. "The Council has grown very concerned about your actions of late, as has the Senate. The Senate has ordered Admiral Hilao to take over command of this fleet. You will accompany us to be examined by the Council."

I did not hesitate, for I had thought about this moment long ago. "I resign from the Jedi Order, effective immediately. I do not recognize your authority over me." I held that moment for as long as I could, looking each of them in the eye so that they could see my indifference. "As for removing me from command? Well I have never held an official post, so I think I will go on advising whatever Admiral wishes to hear me. So, if that's all, you will have to excuse me." I started walking towards the door, but Master Lix _pulled_ me away from it.

"Don't you move, _Sith_. You are coming with us!"

"I am no Sith, you idiot! Not all who defy you have turned to the dark side. Look at me through the Force and you will see. Now let me go, unless you truly think that you can match my strength." I _knew_ that they could not. I was stronger than I had ever been, after those battles on Dxun. There was no one now who could best me if I used my full strength. It scared me sometimes.

"Will you fry us with your power then?" sneered Master Lix. "If so, we are prepared."

"Enough of this!" Master Yulan. "I'm sorry Revan, but we must do this. Do you remember that silly rhyme you heard as a child."

"What are you talking about?" I said, gathering my power until I felt the walls would melt from it.

"One to teach," Master Yulan intoned, "five to judge. Three to bind, those who will not budge."

Then I felt their Force stir and, to my shock, my defenses started crumbling. Their will starting squirming through holes I had never known were there and I scrambled to mount a defense. They pursued me relentlessly through my mind, taking it over inch by inch as I retreated, looking for somewhere solid to stand and fight. Finally, at the place where I kept my love for Malak and Xi Lan, I found a small refuge.

"How is this possible?" I gasped, "you do not have the strength."

"We do not need it" I heard Master Lix gloat, as if from afar, but I heard the strain there too.

I had no time to decipher this puzzle. I could not structure a defense, because each time I did, they unbound it. It was as if they were behind my defenses as well as in front of them. Only raw strength worked and that would not last long at this rate.

Then I felt a distant questing in my mind, and then rage. Malak. Power flowed to me, strengthening my walls for a moment. It would not last long, he was too far. "Revan," whispered another, and then a touch of Xi Lan joined me, us. She didn't bring strength, but instead… a pattern for my defense so complex, I could feel the Masters struggling to unwind it.

But that would not hold, they were too far away. I needed power now, and mine was almost spent, I cast out my senses, and just as I felt the last defenses crumbling, I found what I needed, at the edge of a razor.

"Get out of my mind!" I roared as a wave of power beyond anything I had ever felt rushed through me. I reached with my Force, and bound them to sleep, ignoring the part of me that gibbered at me to kill them.

I leaned against the chair in front of me, too exhausted to stand unaided. My mind tottered, for I stood on the edge between light and dark and one misstep would send me to the dark side. I needed to find out what had happened here, while I still could maintain this tenuous balance. I would have to let go soon, or I would start falling and never stop.

So I reached into the mind of Master Lix, searching for answers. Why had they thought me such a threat? And how had they penetrated my defenses so easily?

There, I followed his anger, his righteousness, and I found… fear, which I followed. They feared… loss of control, and there… there was the answer. I did not try to understand it all then, for time was too short. Instead, I imprinted the knowledge in my mind, every detail I could find so that I could examine it later. Now, for the other question, how had they almost beaten me. That too was buried, very deep. I searched ruthlessly, following layers of secrets, easily passed, and layers of self-deception, much more difficult, until I found it.

I spat on him then, my fury at the discovery almost tipping me over the edge. Betrayers! In every Padawan they trained, they had laid a trap. A hole in our defenses that they could exploit if they needed. They had told themselves that it was for the greater good, and that was why the trap could only be exploited if there were three Council members present. But they lied to themselves. They did it out of fear. It was a deep and dark betrayal of every Padawan, Knight and even many Masters. The teachings that caused this weakness were embedded by rote, so that even most Masters did not know what they were doing.

I had no more time. What was I to do with this mess? I searched my mind frantically for answers and then, there it was. I knew what I had to do. I reached out and found the minds of every Knight who had followed the Council members on this mission, and I forced my instructions on them. Then I did the same to the Masters. Follow my orders, I told them, you are my soldiers now too. The instructions and memories I forced upon them would not stand forever, but I thought they would last long enough. Then, I bade Malak and Xi Lan forget, even as they hovered at the back of my mind worrying about me.

Finally, I implanted memories and instructions into my own mind. I told myself to forget this episode, for now, and I hid all that I had learned in corners of my mind with triggers that would reveal them to me at a later time. I laid a complex plan that I would follow unknowing, so that I would not know what I had done until it was too late to stop. And then, I would fall to the dark side, because I would never be able to go to war against the Jedi Council any other way.

For that was the terrible thing I had to do, even before I sought the Sith.

I managed to stay conscious while I had my staff move the Masters to my room. We would all remember that we had passed an engaging afternoon telling tales of our exploits, while my staff would forget this moment. Then, I let the power go, and fell into a carefully timed nap. Such power, was my last thought, lies at the cusp of light and dark, and such danger. That is why so many people fall. They seek that power but they can never stay on the edge. Not even I can.

* * *

**Excerpt from a letter from Revan to Bastila—unsent, dated two years after Revan left.**

_I remember now, my love, how I fell and why. I will tell you in this letter, because I will never send it. If you ever received it, they would wipe your mind of everything that I treasure._

_I fell, on purpose, to go to war against the Jedi Council. I fell, because the only way to free the Jedi from their grasp was to tear them away. I had a plan, buried deep in my mind in which I would break them, remold them to aid me in my fight, and then, later, save them. As the Sith Lord, I remembered only the first two parts. The other instructions were in my mind, waiting to be triggered by a certain event or place. I don't know what that trigger was, but I do know I never reached it. Why? Because along came you. _

_As you stood on that bridge, I could not kill you, though I could have done so easily. Deep in my mind, I remembered that I had loved and when I saw you there, I knew that I could love again. That is why Malak attacked, because he felt my hesitation at that moment and he caught me unawares. The only betrayal I now accept gladly._

_That night on Coruscant, I wanted to tell you about her, and why I betrayed her, but I was too afraid. Too afraid that you might turn away from me in disgust. Too afraid that you would never trust me again. So I left, deceiving myself that I didn't want to put you in danger. Ha, who was I fooling! You would have followed me gladly and I would have been stronger for it. I should have told you, you deserved the truth. _

_Now it is too late, for the Council is suspicious again and if I contact you, they will move against you. Even now, I am sure, they track your every moment, your every thought._

_Perhaps this is for the best, for the first thing I must do is find Xi Lan. If she does not kill me, if she will forgive me instead, then I will be free to follow my heart. Then, I will find my way back to you and nothing in this universe will stop me. _

_And then, my dearest love, I will tell you what else I found and we can decide what to do about the Jedi Order and the Sith.  
_


	19. Chapter 18: Sacrifices

**Patterns of Betrayal and Redemption**

**UPDATED! (See the end, Sep 4-05) **

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**Placating disclaimer**: I don't own the game's rights, characters, etc., nor will I terminate the meatbags that do. Unless you ask me to, Master… please! 

**Eager bluff**: if you do not review my piece, I will find you.

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**My humble thanks for the recent reviews:** Zealit, Mellyna, Brazilian Sith Lord, rinslet, Adrianna, Revvy, and SwordFreak 92. Each comment, constructive and encouraging, is a gift.

**Beta reader(s) needed desperately**! I'm sorry to all for the silly grammatical errors in these chapters. I have no time now to fix them, but would love it if someone could help me avoid them in the future.

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**Chapter 18: Sacrifices **

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**On the Republican ship _Steadfast_, a ship in Admiral Saul Karath****'****s Task Force**

"Lieutenant," said Bao-Dur, his slow voice almost singing the question, "can you explain to me why everyone looks up to Malak?"

"Why do you ask?" Lieutenant Carth Onasi surreptitiously added a little distance between himself and the Iridonian mechanic. He didn't want the grease that was smeared on the mechanic's clothes and hands to get on his clean uniform. He was rather proud of how he looked in his pilot's jacket and wanted it to stay that way. Besides, he was getting a picture taken today to send to his wife and son. Thinking of his wife brought a small smile to Carth's lips.

"Well, as far as I can tell, he doesn't do much very much. He's supposed to be leading this fleet, but everyone knows its Vice-Admiral Dadonna who is functionally in command. So, why does everyone look up to him?"

"Well Bao-Dur, I guess the best way to make you understand is to tell you the story of how he saved my life. Would you like to hear it?"

"Yes Lieutenant, I would like to hear that."

"Well, it all started when the troop ship I was flying got shot down over Serroco," Carth started, his back straightening and his eyes taking on the light of someone telling a favourite story. "We were part of the first wave of soldiers to go in. We were supposed to land quietly somewhere away from their main camp where there wasn't too much opposition. Then, we were supposed to make our way by foot to scout out the perimeter of that camp." As Carth continued, his eyes focused on a spot over Bao-Dur's head. He looked like one of those recruitment posters you saw in the streets. "Well, it turned out that the Mandalorians had set up a fake main camp, covered it with a defense shield to draw our attention, and then set up ambushes all around that area. So as soon as we landed, we were under fire."

"Why didn't they just shoot you down before you landed?"

"Well, that was the question that everyone should have been asking themselves," Carth shook his head, his eyes focusing on Bao-Dur's for a moment. "But we were too busy fighting for our lives to think of that at the moment. They had us hemmed in pretty good, firing at us from all sides and picking us off one by one. Looking back on it afterwards, I realized that they could have killed us quickly, but they hadn't gone to all that effort just to kill a bunch of soldiers. No, they wanted us in just enough danger to attract some attention. More specifically they wanted to get Malak's attention. They got it too, but it didn't work out as they hoped.

As I'm sure they knew, Malak is not known for his subtlety. He tears down on this little fighter, shooting at the Mandalorians on the south side of us. I kept expecting him to pull up, but he just keeps on coming. At the last second, the top of his flier comes off and he _jumps_ out just before it crashes into those sorry buggers. Big explosion, took out most of that side. He lands on his feet, just as nice as you please, a little southwest of us. Now, all the blaster fire starts concentrating on his location, but he doesn't stay there. He jumps into a tree, and then you could see him moving from one tree to another by watching the tops shake. Then he starts cutting the tops off those trees and launching them towards the Mandalorians all around the perimeter.

Well, that goes on for a few minutes until suddenly there's no more shooting. Instead, all you could hear was the crashing in the brush as Mandalorians **_ran_** for their lives. Now think about that for a second. Mandalorians running! When have you ever heard of that? But that's how shocking his display of strength was. Pieces of trees, sometimes 10 or 15 feet long, being tossed accurately at Mandalorians all around our ship while Malak was running from tree to tree avoiding enemy fire.

Well that was just one incident over the next few days. We had to fight our way through a host of other attacks, each one of them focused on capturing or killing Malak. Now, I don't want to downplay the heroics of all the soldiers who fought and died during those days, but there is no way we would have made it out of the there without Malak. He was unstoppable.

After we were finally picked up by an ILV, the first thing that Malak did was to take us all out for a beer and tells us how bravely we fought. Heh, what a guy! The next week, the Senate gave him the Cross of Glory, which is the highest award a citizen of the Republic can get. It was his second, which is almost unheard of." Carth focused again on Bao-Dur, his eyes shining with the light of a believer. "Does that give you a better idea of why the men revere him?"

"I only wish I had been there," Bao-Dur said, his normally placid eyes burning into Carth's, "to see the Mandalorians run."

"Perhaps you will get that chance, mechanic," a senior officer said, stepping up to their table with a grim smile. "Revan wants to see you about that idea you proposed. Can you leave within the hour?"

"Yes, Colonel. I'm glad he listened."

What in the world could that mechanic offer Revan? Brushing some dust off his shoulders, Carth looked around for someone else to talk to.

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* * *

**On the Republican ship _Serroco Remembered_ (Malak's Task Force)**

Corporal Atton Rand slouched in the ship's cantina, his back against the wall as he casually watched the other people talk and mingle. Atton was a watcher. He got on with others, playing the fool to amuse some and good-naturedly fleecing others of their hard earned wages in late-night pazaak games. More than anything else, though, he was always paying attention to what others were doing. What they were saying and what they were not saying.

It wasn't just their words and actions that he observed. What he really liked to see was how they reacted to unexpected surprises. A lover who dumped them unexpectedly. A drink poured in their laps. News of someone important dying or being found. It was these moments of pure reaction, stripped of all masks and programmed habits, that he craved.

There is an important shift going on now, he thought to himself as he watched three soldiers argue at the table near the entrance. He could hear the spiteful words of a red-faced male soldier as he pointed a finger at a female colleague. "She's a slut, who slept her way to the position! Everyone knows that Revan has a soft spot for her. You heard what happened on Dxun. If anyone else had done that, he would have let them fight. Think about it," he continued, forcibly overriding the protests of the woman, "we had nothing to lose in that fight except a few skimpy clothes that she **_supposedly_** used to hoodwink the Mandalorians so that she could escape. It's more likely that she prostituted her way out of there! And if she had somehow won that duel, tens of thousands of lives would have been saved. Tens of thousands! If it had been anyone else, Revan would have let that fight go on."

"I have to agree, Jennal," said the other man at the table, patting her arm in insincere sympathy. "Look at what Revan's done. It's not just his tactics that are winning the war, it's the strategic decisions he's made about what to sacrifice and what to protect in order to gain victory. He's left tens of worlds in the hands of the Mandalorians so that we can make the advances we are making now. He's let the Mandalorians kill tens of thousands of people so that they would split their fleet or be distracted from another attack. And yet, there he was on Dxun stopping that fight between Xi Lan and the Mandalore's champion when he had nothing to lose. Nothing except her. Why's she so important? She must have influenced his mind somehow, seducing him so that he's not thinking straight. There's no other explanation."

"Maybe he just loves her," the woman mumbled, her gaze drifting down as she considered her hands. Perhaps the woman would have said more, but then an officer from another table stepped up to her, speaking in her ear. The woman looked disconcerted for a second, but then she gave in to the tugging arm of her superior, bidding a hurried and uncertain goodbye to the others. Atton doubted that she would see them again.

A month before, Atton mused, the soldiers had talked about the Jedi General, Xi Lan, with unstinting praise and wonder. They had admired her for her fighting prowess and leadership. Many had also talked about how were touched by the efforts she apparently made to visit them and hear about their problems and concerns. A beautiful woman, the men had sighed, strong yet gentle. A fierce defender, the woman reminded the men, who showed that being female did not mean being weak.

Now, everything was different. Atton tried to remember when the changes had started. It had been subtle at first. At first, a few people had started speaking against the General. Other soldiers, usually those who had fought with the General before, had quickly shouted them down. Then, her defenders had started getting transferred to her task force while the number of soldiers criticizing the General kept growing. Now there were very few left who would speak on her behalf.

No doubt, Atton thought, those last few soldiers would be gone soon too. He believed that someone high in the command structure was maneuvering the situation to isolate the General and her supporters. He wasn't sure why someone would do that to a successful and effective leader. Perhaps the accusations were true or maybe she just stepped on the wrong toes. In the end, Atton knew that it didn't matter. He knew about stalking game. He also knew when to stay in the shadows and he was going to make sure he was nowhere near the General when the axe came down.

Then, his commander walked over to his table and told Atton to follow him out of the cantina. Atton's heart sank in foreboding. Following the officer out of the cantina, Atton learned that he had been selected by Revan to be a spy on her fleet.

* * *

**On the Republican ship _Surveyor_, flagship of Xi Lan's Task Force (Xi Lan)**

As I watched my former flagship, the _Resplendent_, leave towards Revan's Task Force, I felt uneasy. Commander Shltul had met us in deep space with what seemed to be all the oldest, most broken down ships from our fleet. He had presented me with handwritten orders from Revan that said that we were to exchange our best ships for these old ones. There was no reason given, just a simple line that said, "please trust me."

Something was up with Revan. First, there had been the systematic transfers of soldiers between our task forces. At first, I did not mind because many of the people who were transferred to my fleet were old acquaintances and friends from previous campaigns. As they kept coming, though, I started to wonder. After this ship exchange, I had to ask Revan about it.

"Some people," Revan said, his face on the screen grim and his eyes full of concern, "are spreading rumours about you to the other soldiers.

"What are these rumours, Revan?"

He shifted his weight back and forth as if he was uncomfortable and his cheeks turned red. "You don't want to know."

"Yes I do."

He sighed then, his eyes still looking down. "Among other things, they are saying that you are only a General because you slept with me. Some are even saying that you bewitched me. Other rumours are… well there worse." Then, he raised his eyes once more. They were hard, like those that I had seen in those horrible speeches. It made my spine crawl, and it was my turn to look away. "Unfortunately," he continued, his voice cool and clipped, "it seems they are quite skilled at it, because many people are believing them. I'm disappointed, frankly, because the soldiers should know better by now. Many of the training regimes they follow now were designed by you. I guess such things are easy to forget when scandal is afoot.

"It's probably some agents of the Sith doing this," he continued, "trying to undermine our forces by striking at its leaders. I don't think the Mandalorians would stoop so low and I sense that some powerful force user is behind this. Also, I'm afraid that you are an easy target, in large part because you and I known to be lovers. Many people, as you know, think that we Jedi should be above such things. It's easy for them to hate you if they think that you are corrupting me."

As I listened to Revan, I could tell that he was telling the truth, at least as he knew it, but there was something more that had not been there before. I could not tell what it was, but I felt there was a new shadow in the pattern that circled around him. It seemed to hover around him, even to be a part of him, and yet when I focused on him, he was all light. I could not decipher it but when I looked at him, it was as if I saw two people, one solid and one a thin dark sheath that surrounded that light.

"I'm making these changes so that you are with people you can trust. I don't want anybody attacking you because of some misguided belief that you are harming our efforts. Also, I think that it's best that we don't communicate directly with one another for a while. Perhaps if we do that, the rumours will find no more purchase."

"But Revan…"

"Xi Lan, please believe me that if there was any other choice, I would not do this. You know that I love you."

"Revan…" I could not continue, I could not see him through the streams of salty water that fell from my eyes.

"No, Xi Lan, I've already made up my mind on this," he said, his voice taking on the hard brusqueness of a commander to a soldier. "It's over, at least for now. I will never forget all that we have shared, but this is for the good of the Republic." Then more softly, "it is for your good too."

My head snapped up. I did not sense that he lied, but in those last few words there was a false note so profound that I felt every cell in my body scream.

"Goodbye, Xi Lan. We will talk again when the war is over."

"No Revan, wait! Something is…" but it was too late, he had closed the connection. I knew in my bones that he would take no other call from me and so I sat there, staring at a dead screen whose blackness seemed to match the despair that ate away at my center. Something was desperately wrong… something was missing! I looked inside myself and then curled in on myself when I realized what it was. Where Revan had resided in my heart all these years, there was nothing.

* * *

**On the Republican ship _Serroco Remembered_, flagship of Malak's Task Force (Malak)**

Malak stared at the screen in disbelief. "You have got to be joking!" he raged, his fists slamming down on the desk, crushing it to the ground.

"She has betrayed us, Malak. You know I don't want to believe this, but I have investigated this thoroughly. She has been giving vital information to the Mandalorians for years. She has compromised the strength of our soldiers for years too, using her displays of mercy as a cover to sap their moral with her Force. You have seen the reports I sent you, what the soldiers have said."

"I don't believe it! I never will!"

Revan sighed, his hands rubbing his temples. "I had hoped that the facts would sway you, but I think I always knew that they wouldn't." Then, he raised his head and his eyes burned across space. "Malak, do you remember our promise back on Dantooine? The one where we said that we would never let Xi Lan break us apart? Do you remember that?"

"Yes," Malak breathed, collapsing onto his chair. "Don't ask this of me Revan, I beg you! You know I will keep that promise, but if I do this, all that I am will be like blood pouring into the desert sand, consumed until nothing is left but my husk."

"Malak, I know how hard this is for you but I will not let you fall. You will understand in time, but for now, please trust me. You know that I always act for the good of the Republic."

Everything about this felt wrong to Malak, everything but that last statement. He did know that. Revan would never do anything to harm the Republic, so he had to follow Revan, even if it cost him everything. Even if it cost him the one who filled his body as surely as each breath did.

"Fine," he said, his voice dripping with self-loathing, "I will follow you Revan, but know that you have lost a friend today and gained a servant."

"I'm sorry Malak," Revan said, his voice cracking.

Malak almost relented then, but his heart rebelled. He knew Xi Lan was being betrayed, and that he was too, but he believed in Revan, even if he didn't trust his words now. I hope it all will be worth it, he thought to himself, as he closed the channel.

Somewhere, across the vast emptiness of space, he could feel Xi Lan sleeping, alone and lost. He knew he should break his bond with her, but he could not do it. He would sooner die and break his promise to Revan. Whenever she fell to Revan's plot, he would feel every ounce he could of the pain that betrayal would bring her. It was the only penance he could think of that would fit the crime.

* * *

**On the Republican ship _Surveyor_, flagship of Xi Lan's Task Force—two weeks later (Xi Lan)**

As Revan had ordered, we had changed our course to arrive at Malachor system. As soon as we arrived, the Mandalorian fleet attacked us. Looking at the numbers, it seemed that every remaining ship they had was here, waiting for us in ambush. We were prepared, we thought, for Revan had anticipated this. We were to draw them towards the planet of Malachor V, and then Revan's fleet was supposed to trap them from behind.

But he did not come as expected, and soon we were fighting desperately to even survive. As each ship was destroyed, I felt the death of every soldier on it, for these were the ones I was closest to. It was unbearable, and I felt myself reaching out instinctively, until it seemed that my body was the entire fleet. I guided those ships and those soldiers as if they were cells and limbs in my body. I even touched the Mandalorians, feeling their intentions and anticipating their attacks.

For what seemed like forever, our fleet fought as one, evading death a thousand times, but soon, too soon, we could escape no more. We were too few and our ships too old. I was about to prepare myself and my soldiers to die, when the new technician, Bao-Dur, touched my soldier.

"Revan ordered me to tell you that if he could not arrive on time, and there was no other hope, that he had equipped this ship with a terrible weapon that might save the day. He told me not to tell you before, because he didn't want you to use it unless there was no other hope. I think we have reached that point, General."

"What does it do?" I asked, my voice echoing the desperation of fifteen thousands soldiers and Jedi. It was all I could do to focus on Bao-Dur.

"There is no time to explain it to you, General. I'm not sure myself what it will do, but it may win us this battle. Do you want me to use it?"

Oh Force, I prayed, let there be hope! I nodded my head and Bao-Dur flipped a switch on the device in his hand.

And then I felt the screams of tens of thousands, all crushed, contorted, twisted, dying. A whirlpool pulled me, us, towards it, a gaping maw that reached out to our fleets, to the galaxy itself. It grew at an alarming rate, sucking life, the Force, everything into it. The strands of the Qi patterns around it shriveled and died and the sickness flowed outwards from it, ripples of devastation that threatened to disrupt all life.

It was too much to bear. I could feel the remaining Jedi break, turning to anger and hatred or anything else that would allow them not to care anymore about what was happening. As each one turned, the vortex grew bigger, faster, hungrier.

There was no defense, no training that I could draw on to stop this horror. Not knowing what else to do, I wrenched that emptiness from those around me, pulling it into myself until I could hold no more. I could not get it all, and I felt some of that hunger lodge itself in another. But it was enough, it had to be enough!

I needed to isolate it, and so I cut it, myself, from the Force, from life. Just before I made the final cut, I heard Malak whisper in my mind. "Please forgive me."

Why was it only at this moment, my mind babbled hysterically, that I realized it was Malak I truly loved? "I already do, my love."

Then I was emptiness and the cries of a world and two fleets, and the endless tears of my own soul, echoed without end in the shell that I had become. As I fell into forgetful oblivion, I saw Bao-Dur's arm being crushed by a beam.

* * *

**On the Republican ship Resplendent, ship in Revan's Task Force (Revan)**

I watched the battle over Malachor V through the sensors of my hidden scout ship. I knew I should call in my fleet, but something stopped me, a power I could not overcome. Then, when I saw the ships of both fleets start to collapse in on themselves, and the planet too, I remembered what the Jedi Council had tried to do, and the plan I had set in motion. Those bastards, I raged, who had caused me to sacrifice my lover and best friend for the Republic! No more manipulation, I swore, and this time I let the hatred and anger I felt overtake me. If I cared so little about Malak and Xi Lan that I was willing to sacrifice them, then what use was love, compassion or mercy? No, it was time for a more ruthless leader to sweep aside the hypocrisy! It was time for the Sith and Jedi to die, so that their endless war could finally be put to rest and the galaxy guided towards order.

I was so consumed by my plans for vengeance that I did not notice the danger I had unleashed, or what Xi Lan did to save us all. When I no longer felt her through the Force, I thought she had died. I was disappointed that she did not turn to the dark side like the rest of the Jedi, but I had already anticipated it. The Jedi drew power from the Force to protect others and so became attached to that power. That was why they could be tempted. Xi Lan had never sought power, instead accepting what she had while improving her skills. As she had once told me, she thought of the Force as a gift, not power. She appreciated what was given and did not seek more.

As I signaled my Task Force to come for the survivors, I thought about Xi Lan's replacement. I would recruit Master Ay-Tray to be the third member of my triumvirate, to join Malak and I, by tempting her with the knowledge that I had gained. Three Sith Masters united were a near unstoppable power. Together, we would be strong to turn many other Jedi to join the ones I had forged today. Alone, I would be strong enough to contain Malak and Ay-Tray when they fell, and maintain that triumvirate against their inevitable machinations.

As I played with the lightning that crackled from my fingertips, I examined the information that arose from hidden places in my brain and planned the destruction of the Jedi Order.

* * *

**Excerpt from a letter from Revan to Bastila—unsent, dated two years after Revan left. **

_You may wonder why I betrayed her, my love. It's simple, really. Imagine that all these Jedi are connected to her. Then, imagine that they are all together, in the same place, connected to each other by the Force and by these connections that Xi Lan forms with people. Not, imagine that they start feeling the same people die together, feeling the same pain and anguish and sorrow. Imagine that horror moving from person to person, from Jedi to Jedi, picking up in strength as each person suffers and as each person reacts to that suffering. It overwhelmed the Jedi and other potential Force sensitives, just as I had planned, until they had no choice but to turn to protect their sanity. _

_It was a horrible thing to do, but I did it for the Republic. I needed Jedi to fight the Jedi Council and this was the only way to get them on my side. And it worked better than I could have dreamed, for that betrayal, and all the betrayals that followed as those Jedi fell, magnified ten times the power of the dark side in the Trayus Academy on Malachor V. It made the academy an ideal place to turn other Jedi._

_I had made Xi Lan weak, on purpose, so that she couldn't stop this process from going forward. I had planned that she would succumb, to lose her connection to the Force and to the others. I thought she would give up and die. I believed then that she would not turn to the dark side because she was too connected to others, and frankly too nice, to turn against them as those who fall do. To be honest, it was better for my cause that she died or was rendered powerless anyway. _

_By choosing Master Ay-Tray, or Darth Traya as she chose to call herself later, to be the third member of my triumvirate, I had a Sith Lord unknown and buried deep in the heart of the Jedi Order. One who, even when she was cast out, could act behind the scenes while everyone focused on Malak and me. It worked very well for many Jedi were turned by the manipulations of Darth Traya. Even now, I sense that Darth Traya continues my work, for Jedi are still dying and disappearing. _

_As for Xi Lan, I was right about her not falling, but she didn't die. I can not imagine why she chose to continue without the Force. I don't know why she chose to live with all that pain and horror. Did she do it out of revenge? Did she know that she carried the death of all life within her? Or was it something else?_


End file.
